How to Ar­gue with your Spouse the Right Way

Weekend Mirror - - CHILDREN’S CORNER -


are many mar­ried cou­ples who, one time or an­other, have had fights that kept on in­creas­ing for no ap­par­ent rea­son. Per­haps the ini­tial tiff was on a small, mean­ing­less mat­ter.

But af­ter de­bat­ing and ar­gu­ing about it for hours, none of the two re­mem­ber how it all started in the first place. When you live with some­one in such close quar­ters, there are bound to be dif­fer­ences in opin­ions and be­liefs. And that’s when things can of­ten get out of con­trol. It isn’t un­com­mon to find a mar­ried cou­ple fight­ing or ex­chang­ing words that one or both haven’t re­gret­ted later on. In fact, ar­gu­ments or at least the flow of di­a­log are a good sign of com­mu­ni­ca­tion.

How­ever, there is a tac­tic in­volved which every mar­ried cou­ple should be aware of. Many times, we end up speak­ing some harsh words which are not needed if you weren’t so an­gry or up­set. Feel­ings get hurt and in the end of it all, the dis­tance be­tween a cou­ple and in mar­riage in­creases.

Ways to Dis­cuss Is­sues with your Spouse

A fight, or dis­agree­ment, isn’t just one per­son’s fault and that ide­ol­ogy should be avoided. In­stead of charg­ing at one other with hurt­ful words, why not im­ple­ment the prac­ti­cal tips men­tioned be­low and see where they take you.

Try to Stay Calm

When things get out of con­trol and you feel that one of you is about to burst, don’t lose your cool. I know it’s dif­fi­cult to do this when you’re ar­gu­ing at that par­tic­u­lar mo­ment and noth­ing makes proper sense. It’s al­ways bet­ter to hold your­self back. When you raise your voice, things can take a wrong turn very quickly. What you have to do is ask for a lit­tle time out from all the ar­gu­ing. You need to cool down, gather your thoughts, re­mem­ber what is it that you are try­ing to con­vey, and then do so in a calm and ra­tio­nal man­ner. This way, you can eas­ily ex­plain what is it that is both­er­ing you, and how the two of you can try to re­solve it.

Avoid the Silent Treat­ment

Many times, when a mis­com­mu­ni­ca­tion, lack of com­mu­ni­ca­tion, or clash of be­liefs oc­cur, one or both tend to give the silent treat­ment. While ar­gu­ing with your spouse the right way, this can be a bad move; and I will tell you why. Let’s say for ex­am­ple, your wife/hus­band is up­set with you be­cause you for­got to in­tro­duce him/her to an old friend of yours. Now when you two are alone, he/ she brings the sub­ject up and re­minds you that you for­got to in­tro­duce him/ her. You think that it’s not a big deal and he/she shouldn’t make a big façade out of it. But since this in­ci­dent has hit a par­tic­u­lar cord with him/her, the point of “let­ting it go” is nowhere close. Your spouse ex­plains to you that you should’ve at least men­tioned who he/she is be­cause this cer­ti­fies his/her iden­tity in your life. Af­ter a long ex­pla­na­tion, in or­der to avoid a big fight, you end up stay­ing quiet. You have no opin­ions about the mat­ter. And this makes the other per­son re­ally up­set and frus­trated be­cause it’s like talk­ing to a wall.

You (the silent per­son), need to fo­cus on break­ing out of your shell. Per­haps you are more com­fort­able by be­ing quiet, and think­ing that the ar­gu­ment will dis­ap­pear on its own in some time. That’s not how things work. In­stead of dis­ap­pear­ing, that fight will keep crop­ping up when you least ex­pect it. So my ad­vice to you is, face the ar­gu­ment and think about the is­sue from your spouse’s point of view. If he/she is so worked up about all of this, then maybe there’s some­thing to it. Even he/she de­serves to be heard, right?

Don’t Fight in Pub­lic

When you are out in pub­lic or aren’t alone when an ar­gu­ment be­gins, stop im­me­di­ately. There are many by­standers who would love to eaves­drop on your con­ver­sa­tions. Or per­haps there are some fam­ily mem­bers or friends around; that can be a dis­as­trous mo­ment be­cause some of them may try to butt in and help mend things be­tween you two. An ar­gu­ment, dis­agree­ments, fights, or what­ever, be­tween a hus­band and a wife is a pri­vate or­deal. So don’t wash your dirty laun­dry in front of oth­ers be­cause that can make ei­ther one of feel em­bar­rass­ing or de­mean­ing. Plus when other peo­ple are in­volved, one per­son feels like he/she is be­ing ganged-up on or at­tacked. This can make any­one feel alone and hurt. Which is why, think and see where you are and calmly com­mu­ni­cate with your spouse. You will not only avoid a big fight but also elim­i­nate all awk­ward­ness.

Don’t Bring Past in the Present

If you are up­set about some­thing, say it clearly. Stick to the facts and don’t bring old fights in the new ones. Don’t go way back and talk about a com­pletely dif­fer­ent dis­agree­ment be­cause frankly, those is­sues have no place at this mo­ment. Many cou­ples tend to do so be­cause dur­ing a par­tic­u­lar ar­gu­ment, they re­al­ize that they are quickly run­ning out of ammo and they need to hit harder than be­fore. Just fo­cus on the cur­rent sit­u­a­tion and try to deal with that first. If you do have any un­solved hurt feel­ings, then you can def­i­nitely bring them up when the time is right.

De-em­pha­size the Crit­i­cism

In­stead of at­tack­ing some­one with “You’re a slob” or “You can’t get any­thing right the first time”, try us­ing a dif­fer­ent tac­tic. When hurt­ful words come your way, it is nat­u­ral to raise an in­vis­i­ble wall in front. And when this wall is up, it be­comes very dif­fi­cult to bring it back down. Words and ar­rows are the two things that once re­leased; they can’t be called or taken back. So you have to be very care­ful as to how you say some­thing to your spouse. Just be hon­est with your feel­ings and tell him/her that some habit or be­hav­ior is not ac­cept­able or ap­pre­ci­ated by you. Who knows, your spouse might just sur­prise you and want to change few things in him/her.

Every re­la­tion­ship is dif­fer­ent, and so will the ar­gu­ments be. What you need to know is, ar­gu­ments oc­cur in a mar­riage and they are a part of our lives. No mat­ter how much to try to run away from them, they re­ally can’t van­ish com­pletely. But you can save your­selves a lot of trou­ble by hav­ing to go through blown-up fights and spite­ful words. Re­mem­ber, you two got mar­ried for a rea­son and that is to see each other happy and in love for the rest of your lives!

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