I swam against the river

Alive - - News -

No one can be forced

into a re­la­tion­ship. It is bet­ter to let them be their own.

by Ram

The de­sire was pure and the in­tense of its fuel burn­ing in­side me was im­pec­ca­bly bliss­ful. Im­ages that I had pic­tured in my mind a mil­lion times had all turned out anew to me. Look­ing down on her ly­ing on my bed un­dressed. I felt like stand­ing in the twi­light. The ill lights il­lu­mi­nat­ing over her brighter side and the shadow fall­ing be­hind her made it look as though her beauty tended to sway end­lessly there­after. A warm sen­sa­tion crawled through my skin, at that point, tight­en­ing it at its meet­ings throw­ing a brighter con­trast of shade to what was about to hap­pen.

Be­hind the flut­ter­ing can­dles lights a sense of not be­ing sure scratched within me, warn­ing to be cau­tious, cau­tious about some­thing which I never knew or did wanted to know.

I felt get­ting weaker, my limbs get­ting drained of its strength and my heart beat­ing loud in my ear as each mo­ment went by, for some­thing beau­ti­ful ly­ing ahead of me within a white sheet that fell evenly over ev­ery con­tour of hers.

Her eyes re­mained on me sens­ing my ev­ery move, they never blinked and I won­dered how they did re­main so. She could see and feel ev­ery minute of mine all that while. And look­ing back at her for this long I could not make a thing, her face and eyes where cold and emo­tion­ally void. She was not even scared, scared like when we are do­ing some­thing in­ti­mate and se­cre­tive.

Ev­ery­thing seemed nor­mal to her as if pa­tiently wait­ing be­hind a closed rail­way gate for the train to pass out. Is it so for ev­ery woman? I thought. But noth­ing was nor­mal for me there, ev­ery­thing had an essence of its own to share and like a kid I savoured ev­ery inch of it.

Be­side her I sat down, her legs slightly bend and turned to­wards me, her body fac­ing up­right and ris­ing as she breathed the air in. Un­hur­riedly, I started to let slip her al­abaster skin by pulling away the bed sheet. I could see goose bumps all through her body and her dark nip­ples tight­en­ing. My fin­gers feath­ered from her face, cir­cling

around nip­ples, dip­ping into her belly but­ton I could see her wig­gle like a worm be­fore me.

How does it feel when two bare skins own­ing to two com­plete strangers touch each other? I didn’t know and I was about to feel it.

Bend­ing down kiss­ing her belly I moved up across her breast to her col­lar bone leav­ing a wet im­pres­sion of my lips there and mak­ing my­self softly fall over her. It felt like fall­ing onto a warm cot­ton candy, soft and warm.

Things which I con­sid­ered to be gross now had an ap­peal added to it.

It felt like some­thing was hap­pen­ing in me, chang­ing my whole chem­i­cal com­po­si­tion, mak­ing me turn into some­thing else. Trans­form­ing me into an an­i­mal, void from all of its senses ex­cept the lust­ful glare in its eyes, I didn’t know.

Sweat started to drip from my chin on to her body and my face had turned all white. I pulled her hands close to my chest and all along this while lost in an un­fa­mil­iar ter­rain I had treaded past not notic­ing her face which was half en­gulfed within her own shadow star­ing some­where else.

ov­ing closer to her face I bend down to kiss her lips which parted from its moist grip leav­ing out an air of ac­cep­tance. And when my lips touched her, at that in­stant, I felt a wave of re­luc­tance flow through her body with a slight push. And there on her face I saw a tear mak­ing its way down from her eyes to her tem­ple.

In a mo­ment ev­ery­thing that I had felt, van­ished. I was my­self again, re­morse­fully gaz­ing at her ly­ing be­fore me with her eyes closed and lips pushed to­wards mine. Let­ting her there on her own I walked out of that room, with a mind full of guilt, pulling the door shut.

That night stand­ing at my bal­cony ac­com­pa­nied by the night’s win­try air, gaz­ing at the count­less stars loam­ing over the sky, I un­der­stood that I was swim­ming against the river not know­ing that I was be­ing pushed aside to the banks for all this time. Crush­ing the ci­garette butt against the rail­ing I walked back in­side pushing the door open.

Ev­ery­thing in­side felt like a setup for a play, numb and colour­less; she was still on the bed, jolt­ing her way back to where I had left her as I got in, eyes closed but this time her lips were not pushed for­ward.

She got me wrong this time. This time I was not there to swim through the river that I ad­mired but to tear through it no mat­ter how hard it pushed me away.

I dragged the dress­ing ta­ble stool right to­wards the side of the bed and sat down on it look­ing closely over her with a cu­ri­ous in­ten­tion to com­pre­hend her do­ings and mine.

Her brows wrin­kled du­bi­ous of what was hap­pen­ing. She did not open her eyes, maybe she did not want to know what was hap­pen­ing around; she just wanted the train to pass-by with its horn blar­ing all around.

I could see a ges­ture of re­luc­tance, ashamed of its bare­ness at its true na­ture upon her. Her lips trem­bling and droop­ing down like a cranked nee­dle of a clock, the gear pushing it to go-on but it re­sists con­tin­u­ing. I didn’t want to harm her; at least that was what my mind said, do­ing so would be a naive act from my side.

Hold­ing back the tide of anger ris­ing in­side me I asked her, “Do you still love him?” The way she looked back at me when I asked had an­swered all that I wanted to know. She didn’t re­ply though.

If the roof and the floor had cracked open mak­ing its way to heaven and hell I would have never had a sec­ond thought on pushing her down to hell, but there was no bet­ter hell than the place where we lived.

Noth­ing I knew ex­cept to let her be on her own. And there I felt like a man, a man who had learned to let go off things which he had cared only be­cause he cared for them. And I walked away from there.

Bend­ing down kiss­ing her belly I moved up across her breast to her col­lar bone leav­ing a wet im­pres­sion of my lips there and mak­ing my­self softly fall over her. It felt like fall­ing onto a warm cot­ton candy, soft and warm. Things which I con­sid­ered to be gross now had an ap­peal added to it.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from India

© PressReader. All rights reserved.