I swam against the river
No one can be forced
into a relationship. It is better to let them be their own.
The desire was pure and the intense of its fuel burning inside me was impeccably blissful. Images that I had pictured in my mind a million times had all turned out anew to me. Looking down on her lying on my bed undressed. I felt like standing in the twilight. The ill lights illuminating over her brighter side and the shadow falling behind her made it look as though her beauty tended to sway endlessly thereafter. A warm sensation crawled through my skin, at that point, tightening it at its meetings throwing a brighter contrast of shade to what was about to happen.
Behind the fluttering candles lights a sense of not being sure scratched within me, warning to be cautious, cautious about something which I never knew or did wanted to know.
I felt getting weaker, my limbs getting drained of its strength and my heart beating loud in my ear as each moment went by, for something beautiful lying ahead of me within a white sheet that fell evenly over every contour of hers.
Her eyes remained on me sensing my every move, they never blinked and I wondered how they did remain so. She could see and feel every minute of mine all that while. And looking back at her for this long I could not make a thing, her face and eyes where cold and emotionally void. She was not even scared, scared like when we are doing something intimate and secretive.
Everything seemed normal to her as if patiently waiting behind a closed railway gate for the train to pass out. Is it so for every woman? I thought. But nothing was normal for me there, everything had an essence of its own to share and like a kid I savoured every inch of it.
Beside her I sat down, her legs slightly bend and turned towards me, her body facing upright and rising as she breathed the air in. Unhurriedly, I started to let slip her alabaster skin by pulling away the bed sheet. I could see goose bumps all through her body and her dark nipples tightening. My fingers feathered from her face, circling
around nipples, dipping into her belly button I could see her wiggle like a worm before me.
How does it feel when two bare skins owning to two complete strangers touch each other? I didn’t know and I was about to feel it.
Bending down kissing her belly I moved up across her breast to her collar bone leaving a wet impression of my lips there and making myself softly fall over her. It felt like falling onto a warm cotton candy, soft and warm.
Things which I considered to be gross now had an appeal added to it.
It felt like something was happening in me, changing my whole chemical composition, making me turn into something else. Transforming me into an animal, void from all of its senses except the lustful glare in its eyes, I didn’t know.
Sweat started to drip from my chin on to her body and my face had turned all white. I pulled her hands close to my chest and all along this while lost in an unfamiliar terrain I had treaded past not noticing her face which was half engulfed within her own shadow staring somewhere else.
oving closer to her face I bend down to kiss her lips which parted from its moist grip leaving out an air of acceptance. And when my lips touched her, at that instant, I felt a wave of reluctance flow through her body with a slight push. And there on her face I saw a tear making its way down from her eyes to her temple.
In a moment everything that I had felt, vanished. I was myself again, remorsefully gazing at her lying before me with her eyes closed and lips pushed towards mine. Letting her there on her own I walked out of that room, with a mind full of guilt, pulling the door shut.
That night standing at my balcony accompanied by the night’s wintry air, gazing at the countless stars loaming over the sky, I understood that I was swimming against the river not knowing that I was being pushed aside to the banks for all this time. Crushing the cigarette butt against the railing I walked back inside pushing the door open.
Everything inside felt like a setup for a play, numb and colourless; she was still on the bed, jolting her way back to where I had left her as I got in, eyes closed but this time her lips were not pushed forward.
She got me wrong this time. This time I was not there to swim through the river that I admired but to tear through it no matter how hard it pushed me away.
I dragged the dressing table stool right towards the side of the bed and sat down on it looking closely over her with a curious intention to comprehend her doings and mine.
Her brows wrinkled dubious of what was happening. She did not open her eyes, maybe she did not want to know what was happening around; she just wanted the train to pass-by with its horn blaring all around.
I could see a gesture of reluctance, ashamed of its bareness at its true nature upon her. Her lips trembling and drooping down like a cranked needle of a clock, the gear pushing it to go-on but it resists continuing. I didn’t want to harm her; at least that was what my mind said, doing so would be a naive act from my side.
Holding back the tide of anger rising inside me I asked her, “Do you still love him?” The way she looked back at me when I asked had answered all that I wanted to know. She didn’t reply though.
If the roof and the floor had cracked open making its way to heaven and hell I would have never had a second thought on pushing her down to hell, but there was no better hell than the place where we lived.
Nothing I knew except to let her be on her own. And there I felt like a man, a man who had learned to let go off things which he had cared only because he cared for them. And I walked away from there.
Bending down kissing her belly I moved up across her breast to her collar bone leaving a wet impression of my lips there and making myself softly fall over her. It felt like falling onto a warm cotton candy, soft and warm. Things which I considered to be gross now had an appeal added to it.