His 8 Biggest Sex Secrets
The only thoughts occupying your guy’s brain during sex should be how amazing it is and how lucky he is to be with you. But according to a Cosmo poll, the supposedly cockier gender has a lot of anxiety in bed... not that they’d admit it. We ID their top w
Every guy has bedroom hang- ups, but chances are, he’d rather watch a Twilight marathon than share them with you. “It’s a pride thing,” says Ian Kerner, Ph. D., author of Passionista. “They don’t want you to doubt their skills, and they also aren’t used to talking about it, whereas women discuss their insecurities with their friends.” That’s where Cosmo comes in. We asked more than 1,000 men to confess the stuff they worry about and compiled this list of their top answers. And since we wouldn’t leave you hanging, we enlisted the help of top sex experts to figure out how to deal with each one. All these tips keep his anxiety low, so his pleasure ( and yours) will be high.
1 “Uh- oh, this feels too good.”
Climaxing too soon is a very real worry for 65 percent of the men who took our survey. “Premature ejaculation, which technically means reaching orgasm in less than two minutes, affects about one- third of men,” explains Kerner. And even if your BF or husband lasts longer, his ego is wrapped up in his stamina, so it’s still on his mind. “When a man climaxes before he intends to,
2 “I have no clue how to make her climax.”
whether that’s after one minute or 15, it shakes his confidence and makes him feel out of control,” he says.
That kind of pressure can ruin the moment for a guy ( and you, too, since it screws with his ability to focus on your needs). You can ease some of the stress by looking out for clues that he’s struggling to restrain himself— a tense jaw, clenched muscles, and short, rapid breathing are all signs. If you notice these, switch to a position that gives less stimulation. Girl- on- top is a good bet, since you can set a slower pace and use a back- and- forth grinding motion ( as opposed to moving up and down), which will reduce the friction that typically triggers his orgasm.
You can also take a mini break between positions and touch each other in sensual spots, like the neck or ear. That way, you keep his desire simmering without having it boil over before either of you want it to. This fear is just as huge for guys as a too easily triggered O. Basically, if he’s unable to satisfy a woman, he feels like less of a man. “That’s why
men appreciate it when you let them know exactly which moves are going to get you to your peak,” says sex educator Lou Paget, author of How To Be A Great Lover.
You don’t want to bark orders, but you do want to say things like, “That feels amazing. Can you go softer/ faster/ harder?” The more specific you are, the better. So tell him if direct contact works best for you or if you prefer more light teasing around— and not on— your clitoris. “You’re making it clear to him what you need without him feeling like he’s fumbling,” says Paget.
To really reinforce it in his mind, think of a nickname for the move that triggers your O. If you like direct, pulsing contact, tell him after sex, “I love it when you do ‘ the doorbell.’” When he asks you what the hell that is, demonstrate it on his arm with your finger. “This will help him remember that it’s crucial to your
climax,” says Paget.
3 “Whoa, what if she gets pregnant?”
There’s an obvious fix for this worry that plagues more than half of dudes: if you’re on the Pill, tell him up front. When it’s time to bust out the condoms, be the one to put it on him. Here’s how to do it in three steps: hold the tip of the condom between two fingers, place the opening on the head of his penis, and then use your other hand to unroll it down his shaft in one fluid motion.
If you really want to wow him, try putting it on using your mouth. Hold the condom ( a mint- flavoured one will make this more pleasant for your tastebuds) so the rim is against your lips and the tip is inside your mouth. Place it on the head of his penis, like you would with your fingers, then use your other hand to smooth it down.
4 “My oral technique is a total mess.”
“Most men approach oral sex like a guessing game,” Paget says. “They’re not sure if they should lick, kiss, or stroke or where they should focus their attention.” Again, the key to helping the 45 percent of men who freak over this issue is to be specific. Don’t just tell him you like it when he licks— describe it in detail. Is it like an ice- cream cone? More of a flicking motion, like he’s flipping a light switch on and off?
It’s also helpful if you show him exactly what it takes to get you to climax. Before he goes down there, take a moment to kiss and tongue his inner thighs in the same way you’d like him to do it. Ask him if it feels good, and then tell him that’s how you want it when he goes down on you. Even though you’ll get your point across, it won’t feel like a lame
tutorial, since it doubles as a sexy prelude to oral for him too.
5 “If I tell her my fantasy, she’ll think I’m a freak.”
This is a terrifying prospect, according to 44 percent of our survey respondents. “He’s afraid of being rejected or judged,” says Kerner. He needs to know you’re open to hearing what’s on his sexual wishlist, so tell him your own fantasies first.”
Bring it up when you’re in the early stages of foreplay, such as when you’re making out on the couch. “Feel- good neurochemicals will be firing in his brain, loosening his inhibitions, so he’ll be more likely to share his fantasy,” says Kerner. And if that scenario happens to be something you wouldn’t be into in reality, don’t let it show that you’re kind of disturbed to hear he’s a fan. Otherwise, you’ll prove to him that he’s better off not telling you.
Keep your game face on and say this key line: “I don’t think I’d necessarily do that, but hearing you describe your fantasy is so hot.” He’ll get it, but know you still like hearing his X- rated thoughts.
6 “She thinks going down on me is gross.”
We were shocked to discover that 44 percent of guys fret about what you’re thinking when you’re pleasing him with your mouth. “A lot of men worry that a woman won’t like the taste or that she’s uncomfortable,” says Kerner.
That can tank his libido, since enthusiasm is the secret to awesome oral for guys. We’re not saying you need to gush out loud every time— that’d be weird— but there are little things you can do. “Make eye contact, moan, or use your free hand to stroke yourself,” Kerner says. “Those subtle moves will let him know you’re into it.”
7 “That orgasm deserved an Oscar.”
According to a previous Cosmo poll, this worry ( which 43 percent of men report having) is justified— more than half of women say they’ve faked it. Men fear an artificial O for two reasons: it’s a blow to their ego, and it makes it harder for them to figure out what you do like in bed. But we get that, sometimes, an orgasm just isn’t in the cards. In that case, don’t fake it.
Instead, tell him you’re not going to get there this time because you’re stressed, tired, etc. “He’d rather hear that than have you fake it,” says Kerner. Of course, if you’re not getting off because he’s lost down there, you’ll need to use the tips in sections two and four of this story to get him on track.
8 “I’m really not that big enough for her.”
Even if a guy appears confident in his package, this is still in the back of 39 percent of men’s minds. Guys are hyper aware of how they stack up size- wise, and they worry that you’ll be underwhelmed. “Plus, men have distorted perceptions because of the extra- large penises they see in porn,” says Kerner. In fact, one study evaluated men who said they had a below- average penis, when in reality, they all were in the normal range ( FYI, the average size is about five inches when erect).
For most guys, a compliment or two eases their anxiety. A simple “You feel so good inside me” will do the trick. And if he really is below average, go for positions that make you feel tighter, so he feels bigger. Put your legs on his shoulders in missionary, or try spooning sex, where you’re side- by- side and he enters from behind. Bonus: both offer lots of clitoral contact ( he can reach around if spooning), so you’re more likely to orgasm. And since guys are so concerned with satisfying you ( see numbers two, four, and seven on this list), that’s definitely a win- win.
Lucky her cavities
The shoes were fine during sex, but when she wanted to sleep in them, he freaked out