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Cosmopolitan (India) - - LOVE & LUST -

hen you aren’t get­ting the sex you want, what do you do about it? Ac­cord­ing to hun­dreds of women I’ve in­ter­viewed over the years, the an­swer is any­thing that doesn’t ac­tu­ally in­volve ask­ing for it. In­stead, we col­lect tricks and tech­niques from ex­perts and friends—and then we’ll try any­thing from non-ver­bal sex­ual feed­back meant to flat­ter his un­con­scious, to ma­nip­u­la­tive mind games that are meant to ‘train’ him.

But why make the process so complicated? Sim­ply telling him what you like and where you like it is a huge turn-on for most men. What they’re af­ter is great sex—and what’s more, they’re des­per­ate to know how to give it to you, too.

Sounds sim­ple enough. The prob­lem is, it seems that ‘ask­ing for it’ is one box on the how-to-getwhat-you-want check­list that re­mains sheep­ishly unticked by many of us.

But no mat­ter how un­com­fort­able and awk­ward it seems, we have to find our voices be­cause, when it comes to com­mu­ni­cat­ing with men, it’s the most ef­fec­tive tool we have. Want to know the rea­son why? Read on to know more...”

Most sex-talk is­sues fall into one of these four cat­e­gories: Be­ing afraid to say what you want. Think­ing that you shouldn’t have to say it—he should just know.

Say­ing it, and then feel­ing frus­trated when noth­ing changes.

Feel­ing con­fused as to what you want in the first place. If one of these sounds like you, here’s my take on how to get the sex you want... This is by far the big­gest rea­son we don’t speak up. You need to work out just what’s driv­ing that fear... It’s un­com­fort­able to put sex into words be­cause it’s not some­thing we do daily. We worry that we’re go­ing to sound like cheap porn, but that’s ac­tu­ally a great place to start. Imag­ine that you’re do­ing a porn voice-over— say the words out loud to your­self, but re­ally go for it. You’ll only feel silly at first. Then, have a go at what­ever it is you re­ally want to say—it won’t sound half as bad. Men get ex­tremely turned on when women talk dirty. It re­as­sures them you want to have sex, so you’re al­ready onto a win­ner.

I know how frag­ile our sex­ual egos can be, but I’m sur­prised by how ro­bust men are about sex, be­cause, ul­ti­mately, he just wants good sex. Ask­ing him to stop, start or change some­thing in the be­d­room doesn’t have to be crit­i­cism—it’s di­rec­tion. And as long as it sounds invit­ing, he’ll love it. Men re­peat­edly say how much they love sex with women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Some peo­ple can re­act an­grily to feel­ing crit­i­cised, em­bar­rassed or in­se­cure, but if you ap­proach them with re­spect and care he’ll have noth­ing to re­act to. If, how­ever, you’re feel­ing an­gry with him, those neg­a­tive vibes will leak into ev­ery­thing you say, whether you mean them to or not. So, take the sex talk out of the be­d­room and onto neu­tral ground. Try to be hon­est about how it is for you, with­out point­ing the fin­ger, and the give him the chance to do the same. Sex mir­rors the qual­ity of your re­la­tion­ship. Im­prove one and you’ll im­prove both.

If this is your fear, you’re prob­a­bly judg­ing your­self. So­cial norms are nar­row when it comes to sex, and ev­ery­thing out­side of them is of­ten con­sid­ered weird or fetishis­tic. You can’t help what turns you on. And un­less you’re putting your­self or some­one else in dan­ger, you’ve noth­ing to judge your­self for—and nei­ther does any­one else. Come on, the be­d­room’s no place for tantrums. You’re frus­trated, you think you’ve tried ev­ery­thing, and you’re fu­ri­ous he hasn’t picked up on any of it. You’re an­gry be­cause he’s forc­ing you into the might­ily un­com­fort­able po­si­tion of hav­ing to say what you want. “If he re­ally cared, he’d know” is a cop-out that’s only go­ing to take you fur­ther away from the sex you want. Most men have no dif­fi­culty say­ing what they want—and how, when, where and in which po­si­tion— so they don’t get why it’s so tricky for us. Take a deep breath and dive back in. One last try and you could be bliss­ing out in his arms.

-------------------- Not all those who dare win. Sadly. When we’ve found the courage to say what we want, then had to say it again and again with lit­tle or no re­sult, it’s ei­ther time to give up or get out or

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