Un­tie Your Tongue

Cosmopolitan (India) - - LOVE & LUST -

Most sex-talk is­sues fall into one of four cat­e­gories:

■ Be­ing afraid to say what you want

■ Think­ing you shouldn’t even have to say it—he should know

■ Say­ing it, then feel­ing frus­trated when noth­ing changes

■ Feel­ing flum­moxed as to what you want in the first place If one of these sounds like you , here’s my take on how to get the sex you want…

1 “I’M AFRAID TO SAY IT”

This is by far the big­gest rea­son we don’t speak up; you need to work out what’s driv­ing that fear...

■ Fear of look­ing stupid It’s un­com­fort­able to put sex into words cause it’s not some­thing we do ev­ery­day. We worry we’ll sound like cheap porn, but that’s ac­tu­ally a great place to start. Imag­ine you’re do­ing a porn voice-over—say the words out loud to your­self, but re­ally go for it. You’ll feel as mad as a box of frogs at first, but even­tu­ally, the words will sound or­di­nary. Then have a go at what you re­ally want to say—it won’t sound half as bad. Men get ex­tremely turned on when women ‘talk dirty’; it re­as­sures them you want to have sex, so you’re al­ready on to a win­ner.

■ Fear of up­set­ting him I know how frag­ile our sex­ual egos can be, but I’m con­stantly sur­prised by how ro­bust men are around sex, be­cause ul­ti­mately, he just wants good sex. Ask­ing him to stop, start or change some­thing in the bed­room doesn’t have to be criticism—it’s di­rec­tion, and as long as it sounds invit­ing and not like you’re nag­ging him to pick up his wet towel, he’ll love it.

■ Fear of mak­ing him an­gry Some peo­ple re­act an­grily to feel­ing crit­i­cized, em­bar­rassed or in­se­cure, but if you ap­proach him with re­spect and care, he’ll have noth­ing to re­act to. If, how­ever, you’re feel­ing an­gry with him, those neg­a­tive vibes will leak into ev­ery­thing you say, whether you mean them to or not. Take the sex talk on to neu­tral ground. Try to be hon­est about how it is for you, with­out point­ing the fin­ger, and give him the chance to do the same. Sex mir­rors the qual­ity of your re­la­tion­ship. Im­prove one and you’ll im­prove both.

■ Fear of be­ing judged If this is your fear, you’re judg­ing your­self. So­cial norms are nar­row when it comes to sex, and ev­ery­thing out­side of them is con­sid­ered weird or fetishtic. You can’t con­trol your sex­u­al­ity; it’s formed of gazil­lions of bits of info col­lected over a life­time, which makes it uniquely yours and ever-chang­ing. You can’t help what turns you on. And un­less you’re putting you or some­one else in dan­ger, you’ve noth­ing to judge your­self for and nei­ther does any­one else.

2 “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT”

Come now, the bed­room’s no place for tantrums. You’re frus­trated— you think you’ve ‘tried ev­ery­thing’ and you’re fu­ri­ous he hasn’t picked up on any of it. ‘If he re­ally cared, he’d know’ is a cop out that’s only go­ing to take you fur­ther from that sex you know you want. Most men have no dif­fi­culty say­ing what they want—and how, when, where and in which po­si­tion—so they don’t get why it’s so tricky for us. Good men would be mor­ti­fied if they knew how of­ten we put up/ shut up/ give up. For them it’s sim­ple: those who don’t ask don’t get. Take a deep breath and dive back in. One last try and you could be bliss­ing out in his arms.

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