FIGHTS CAN BRING YOU CLOSER
As Selena Gomez and her boyfriend’s fight makes news, experts tell us how a negative emotion can translate into a positive sentiment
Fights and disagreements are a common occurrence in most relationships. According to a report, Selena Gomez and The Weeknd recently had their first fight. It happened a day after her birthday when The Weekend was touring in Europe. So, he flew back from Europe with a lot of gifts for her. The episode has actually “strengthened” the duo’s bond and got them “closer”.
Mary George Varghese, clinical psychologist, believes that having fights are part and parcel of the dating game. She says, “Arguments arise when there are different opinions on an issue. People face such situations because of the inter-individual differences. In any relationship, your individuality exists and one cannot forgo his or her identity. Arguments are necessary to understand the unseen areas. They give a better perspective and refine a personality.” But, this also doesn’t mean that you bring up disagreements or fight all the time. You should know where to draw the line.
KNOW YOUR LIMITS
Clinical psychologist Tanushree Bhargava says your argument should be logical. She says, “Your fight shouldn’t be about damaging your relationship or just complaining and blaming the other person. You should stop when you are being repetitive.” But, if the fights and disagreements are crossing a threshold, it can also mean it’s time to end the relationship. Bhargarva agrees, “If the fights are happening too often, if you spend most of the time fighting, if there is too much name calling, personal attacks or blame games, it’s time to breakup.”
Often, during fights, people assume that they are always right. They refuse to see the other side of the story. Relationship expert Vishnu Modi says, when it comes to arguments, couples should always wait for their anger to subside to clear the air.
He says, “When you are angry, you don’t tend to think about the other side of the story. People don’t even realise that this slight altercation could lead to something far beyond what they expected. So, it’s advisable to take up the issue — that caused an argument — with a cool head.”
At times, friends also try to help resolve disagreements, which according to Varghese is something that is avoidable. She says, “It’s better to avoid friends and relatives in relationship issues unless they are common friends or equally acceptable to both the partners. The same goes for relatives. Involving someone who knows only one person in a relationship can deteriorate the whole situation because your partner may have issues with your friend. The friend also could be a part of the problem.”
While some couples fight, others don’t fight or argue at all because one partner in such relationships fears that this may harm or affect the bond, or is just indifferent. Varghese says that it’s not ‘wise’ to maintain silence in a relationship. She says, “If you don’t share your emotions with your partner, he or she won’t understand you well. Expressing your perspectives is essential for building a healthy relationship. Silence widens the emotional gap between the partners.”
Finally, do fights and arguments really get couples closer? Varghese says, “Researchers John M Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, who have worked on marital stability and done scientific analysis of relationships, have said that ‘how often one fights is not a determinant in the success of a marriage [or relationship], but rather, it is how one fights’. As long as couples respect each other, fighting is not a threat to the relationship. Rather it has certain advantages like building trust, intimacy and improving character. It helps understand each other’s feelings and emotions better. Fighting or getting into arguments is human nature. So, arguments or fights are advisable in its minimal to moderate form, within the limits and by respecting the individuality of each other. They shouldn’t be of abusive nature and lead to domestic violence. Moreover they should be very volatile and temporary in nature.”
WHILE SOME COUPLES FIGHT, OTHERS DON’T FIGHT OR ARGUE AT ALL BECAUSE ONE PARTNER IN SUCH RELATIONSHIPS FEARS THAT THIS MAY HARM THEIR BOND