FIGHTS CAN BRING YOU CLOSER

As Se­lena Gomez and her boyfriend’s fight makes news, ex­perts tell us how a neg­a­tive emo­tion can trans­late into a pos­i­tive sen­ti­ment

Hindustan Times (Patna) - Live - - Lifestyle - Collin Ro­drigues collin.ro­drigues@hin­dus­tan­times.com

Fights and dis­agree­ments are a com­mon oc­cur­rence in most re­la­tion­ships. Ac­cord­ing to a re­port, Se­lena Gomez and The Weeknd re­cently had their first fight. It hap­pened a day af­ter her birth­day when The Week­end was tour­ing in Europe. So, he flew back from Europe with a lot of gifts for her. The episode has ac­tu­ally “strength­ened” the duo’s bond and got them “closer”.

Mary Ge­orge Vargh­ese, clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist, be­lieves that hav­ing fights are part and par­cel of the dat­ing game. She says, “Ar­gu­ments arise when there are dif­fer­ent opin­ions on an is­sue. Peo­ple face such sit­u­a­tions be­cause of the in­ter-in­di­vid­ual dif­fer­ences. In any re­la­tion­ship, your in­di­vid­u­al­ity ex­ists and one can­not forgo his or her iden­tity. Ar­gu­ments are nec­es­sary to un­der­stand the un­seen ar­eas. They give a bet­ter per­spec­tive and re­fine a per­son­al­ity.” But, this also doesn’t mean that you bring up dis­agree­ments or fight all the time. You should know where to draw the line.

KNOW YOUR LIM­ITS

Clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist Tanushree Bhar­gava says your ar­gu­ment should be log­i­cal. She says, “Your fight shouldn’t be about dam­ag­ing your re­la­tion­ship or just com­plain­ing and blam­ing the other per­son. You should stop when you are be­ing repet­i­tive.” But, if the fights and dis­agree­ments are cross­ing a thresh­old, it can also mean it’s time to end the re­la­tion­ship. Bhar­garva agrees, “If the fights are hap­pen­ing too of­ten, if you spend most of the time fight­ing, if there is too much name call­ing, per­sonal at­tacks or blame games, it’s time to breakup.”

Of­ten, dur­ing fights, peo­ple as­sume that they are al­ways right. They refuse to see the other side of the story. Re­la­tion­ship ex­pert Vishnu Modi says, when it comes to ar­gu­ments, cou­ples should al­ways wait for their anger to sub­side to clear the air.

He says, “When you are an­gry, you don’t tend to think about the other side of the story. Peo­ple don’t even re­alise that this slight al­ter­ca­tion could lead to some­thing far be­yond what they ex­pected. So, it’s ad­vis­able to take up the is­sue — that caused an ar­gu­ment — with a cool head.”

At times, friends also try to help re­solve dis­agree­ments, which ac­cord­ing to Vargh­ese is some­thing that is avoid­able. She says, “It’s bet­ter to avoid friends and rel­a­tives in re­la­tion­ship is­sues un­less they are com­mon friends or equally ac­cept­able to both the part­ners. The same goes for rel­a­tives. In­volv­ing some­one who knows only one per­son in a re­la­tion­ship can de­te­ri­o­rate the whole sit­u­a­tion be­cause your partner may have is­sues with your friend. The friend also could be a part of the prob­lem.”

SI­LENCE ZONE

While some cou­ples fight, oth­ers don’t fight or ar­gue at all be­cause one partner in such re­la­tion­ships fears that this may harm or af­fect the bond, or is just in­dif­fer­ent. Vargh­ese says that it’s not ‘wise’ to main­tain si­lence in a re­la­tion­ship. She says, “If you don’t share your emo­tions with your partner, he or she won’t un­der­stand you well. Ex­press­ing your per­spec­tives is es­sen­tial for build­ing a healthy re­la­tion­ship. Si­lence widens the emo­tional gap be­tween the part­ners.”

Fi­nally, do fights and ar­gu­ments re­ally get cou­ples closer? Vargh­ese says, “Re­searchers John M Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, who have worked on mar­i­tal sta­bil­ity and done sci­en­tific anal­y­sis of re­la­tion­ships, have said that ‘how of­ten one fights is not a de­ter­mi­nant in the suc­cess of a marriage [or re­la­tion­ship], but rather, it is how one fights’. As long as cou­ples re­spect each other, fight­ing is not a threat to the re­la­tion­ship. Rather it has cer­tain ad­van­tages like build­ing trust, in­ti­macy and im­prov­ing char­ac­ter. It helps un­der­stand each other’s feel­ings and emo­tions bet­ter. Fight­ing or get­ting into ar­gu­ments is hu­man na­ture. So, ar­gu­ments or fights are ad­vis­able in its min­i­mal to mod­er­ate form, within the lim­its and by re­spect­ing the in­di­vid­u­al­ity of each other. They shouldn’t be of abu­sive na­ture and lead to do­mes­tic vi­o­lence. More­over they should be very volatile and tem­po­rary in na­ture.”

WHILE SOME COU­PLES FIGHT, OTH­ERS DON’T FIGHT OR AR­GUE AT ALL BE­CAUSE ONE PARTNER IN SUCH RE­LA­TION­SHIPS FEARS THAT THIS MAY HARM THEIR BOND

PHOTO: SHUTTTERSTOCK

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