WHY NOT ME?
Cyrus Broacha on why he, not Sachin Tendulkar and Rekha, deserves to be in the Rajya Sabha
To the best of my knowledge, the Rajya Sabha is known as the Upper House. Another name, of course, being the second floor. It mirrors our society. Just as the upper classes suffer at the hands of the lower classes, so does the Upper House or the second floor suffer from the bullying, dominant nature of the Lower House, also known as the ground floor. This bullying can be seen from the way bills and papers are not relayed to the Upper House and, more importantly, how cold drinks and snacks never make their way from the Lower to the Upper House even when it is somebody’s birthday in the Upper House.
Yet to be nominated to the Upper House is no laughing matter. Sachin Tendulkar and Rekha— technically, they both live in bungalows, so would they be able to relate to an Upper House? Second, Sachin is still actively playing cricket, albeit without a couple of body parts ( wear and tear, you see), and Rekha threatens to make a cinematic comeback every 15 years or so.
My point here is on concentration and focus. Sorry, I lost concentration for a second there. My point here is on focus. Could either of these legends actually focus on their job? The answer is no. An emphatic no. And I have verified this same answer through three other people. Both my children and their friend Anya ( today everybody has a friend named Anya) were clear that they weren’t right for the job.
So, who then? Well, after considering all the various options, all combinations and permutations, after consulting with the stars themselves, I’ve come to the answer: “Me”. You, you ask. I say no, not you, me. I have the right credentials to be nominated to the Rajya Sabha. 1. I am short. 2. I am overweight. 3. I will happily smuggle in cold drinks. 4. I have a great desire to serve humanity without ever actually getting off my chair. 5. I can reintroduce the English language to the second floor. 6. I’m familiar with New Delhi. 7. For 16 years, I have very successfully pretended to work. 8. I will immediately target the areas that need to be targeted for the country’s uplift, such as increasing the LTA allowance in the Upper House or getting the elevator upgraded to world- class standards. 9. I will bunk Parliament during certain emergencies such as a world hunger crisis or when Sachin is batting.
For my part, thank you, and I accept the impending nomination with grace and as much poise as 92 kilos will allow. In the words of that great poet Aamir Khan, Satyameva Jayate.