WHY NOT ME?

Cyrus Broacha on why he, not Sachin Ten­dulkar and Rekha, de­serves to be in the Ra­jya Sabha

India Today - - NATION - Cyrus Broacha is a me­dia per­son­al­ity

To the best of my knowl­edge, the Ra­jya Sabha is known as the Up­per House. An­other name, of course, be­ing the sec­ond floor. It mir­rors our so­ci­ety. Just as the up­per classes suf­fer at the hands of the lower classes, so does the Up­per House or the sec­ond floor suf­fer from the bul­ly­ing, dom­i­nant na­ture of the Lower House, also known as the ground floor. This bul­ly­ing can be seen from the way bills and pa­pers are not re­layed to the Up­per House and, more im­por­tantly, how cold drinks and snacks never make their way from the Lower to the Up­per House even when it is some­body’s birth­day in the Up­per House.

Yet to be nom­i­nated to the Up­per House is no laugh­ing mat­ter. Sachin Ten­dulkar and Rekha— tech­ni­cally, they both live in bun­ga­lows, so would they be able to re­late to an Up­per House? Sec­ond, Sachin is still ac­tively play­ing cricket, al­beit with­out a cou­ple of body parts ( wear and tear, you see), and Rekha threat­ens to make a cin­e­matic come­back ev­ery 15 years or so.

My point here is on con­cen­tra­tion and fo­cus. Sorry, I lost con­cen­tra­tion for a sec­ond there. My point here is on fo­cus. Could ei­ther of these le­gends ac­tu­ally fo­cus on their job? The an­swer is no. An em­phatic no. And I have ver­i­fied this same an­swer through three other peo­ple. Both my chil­dren and their friend Anya ( to­day ev­ery­body has a friend named Anya) were clear that they weren’t right for the job.

So, who then? Well, af­ter con­sid­er­ing all the var­i­ous op­tions, all com­bi­na­tions and per­mu­ta­tions, af­ter con­sult­ing with the stars them­selves, I’ve come to the an­swer: “Me”. You, you ask. I say no, not you, me. I have the right cre­den­tials to be nom­i­nated to the Ra­jya Sabha. 1. I am short. 2. I am over­weight. 3. I will hap­pily smug­gle in cold drinks. 4. I have a great de­sire to serve hu­man­ity with­out ever ac­tu­ally get­ting off my chair. 5. I can rein­tro­duce the English lan­guage to the sec­ond floor. 6. I’m fa­mil­iar with New Delhi. 7. For 16 years, I have very suc­cess­fully pre­tended to work. 8. I will im­me­di­ately tar­get the ar­eas that need to be tar­geted for the coun­try’s uplift, such as in­creas­ing the LTA al­lowance in the Up­per House or get­ting the el­e­va­tor up­graded to world- class stan­dards. 9. I will bunk Par­lia­ment dur­ing cer­tain emer­gen­cies such as a world hunger cri­sis or when Sachin is bat­ting.

For my part, thank you, and I ac­cept the im­pend­ing nom­i­na­tion with grace and as much poise as 92 ki­los will al­low. In the words of that great poet Aamir Khan, Satyameva Jay­ate.

Photo il­lus­tra­tion by SAU­RABH SINGH/ www. in­di­a­to­day­im­ages. com

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