It’s the best medicine.
Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to Google “Pokémon” and then copy and paste the é.
Mark Leggett, comedian
Inside a supermarket, a woman spots a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-year-old grandson. “Easy, William,” says the grandfather calmly. “We won’t be long.” In the cookie aisle, the woman hears a shrill, “I want cookies! Gimme cookies!”
“It’s OK, William, just a couple more minutes, and we’ll be out of here. Just hang on; you’re doing great,” says the grandfather. At the checkout, the child screams, “Chocolate! I want chocolates!” “William, William, relax, pal. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes.” The woman is impressed.
“You’re amazing,” she tells the grandfather. “You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. William is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.” “Thanks,” replies the grandfather. “But I’m William. The little fellow is Kevin.”
A millionaire, a construction worker, and a cheapskate are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one. The construction worker spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and gulps down the rest. It’s now the cheapskate’s turn: He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”
A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan. Inside the bank,
he tells the manager, “I want to borrow 50,000 bucks to build a bathroom in my house.”
“I don’t believe I know you,” says the manager. “Where have you done your business before?”
The hermit replies, “Out back in the woods.”
Adam Joshua Smargon
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband an SMS: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, being the unroman- tic sort, replied: “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?”
Bob Marley, comedian
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”
“Look what the ice cream man gave me for your iPhone!”