Life’s Like That
My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My grandma weighs ₹ 30,500.
From awesomephilia. com
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my soapy, naked body, she mumbled,
“You didn’t need the gun.”
Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.
“A phone book?” asked her friend.
“You know,” said my daughter, “a book with numbers in it.”
“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a maths book.”
I was in a clothing store when I heard a customer complaining to a salesclerk.
“I love this cardigan, but it’s ruined by this big button on it,” she moaned. “It’s the wrong colour, it looks ridiculous, and it sticks out. You should speak to the designer and tell them to remake it.” The assistant replied, “Ma’am, that’s a security tag.”
I reluctantly allowed my daughter to drive me into town just a week after she’d got her licence. I soon regretted it when a car stopped suddenly in front of us. My daughter swerved sharply, jumped out and started giving the driver a piece of her mind.
This dried up rather quickly when she saw it was her driving instructor.
I went to a jumble sale with my husband, but we soon got separated. I was looking around for him when a lady approached and asked me if I’d lost someone. I told her I’d lost my husband. She pointed to some chairs and said she’d get me a cup of tea. When she returned, she asked gently how long ago I’d lost him.
“Not long,” I replied. “In fact, I can see him in front of me now.”
“That often happens,” she said sympathetically.
But she got a real shock when my husband suddenly appeared and spoke to me. It was then we realized that this sale was in aid of a bereavement charity.
A young Italian boy called Antonio joined my class when I was teaching at a school that prided itself on the good manners and behaviour of its pupils.
Antonio, however, clearly hadn’t heard the rule about running in the building. One day, he came charging down the corridor towards the headmaster, who held up his hand in a “stop” motion. Not understand- ing this gesture, Antonio jumped up, slapped the upheld hand in a highfive and ran straight past—leaving a stunned headmaster behind!
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I moved back to my old house after four years abroad, to find the garden very overgrown.
My brother came over to do some cutting back. Just after he arrived, the young musician who uses my garage for drum practice turned up wearing a very smart suit. I asked him if he was going to a wedding.
“No,” he replied, “I wore my best suit so your brother wouldn’t ask me to help him.”
“Wow, I haven’t seen you since school... you really haven’t changed!”