Salome Mitter warns you against the signs that crop up regularly when a relationship is deteriarating
Fix the chinks in your marriage
a relationship or a marriage deteriorates, it does so over a period of time, years and years, in fact. There are warning signs that crop up regularly; unfortunately most couples simply ignore them. Resentment keeps building and reality bites only when things go from marital to positively martial! Constant feelings of being disparaged by your spouse, facing criticism, fighting all the time… It’s only natural that love flies out of the window. As does affection and respect. Often it’s when it’s too late, when a marriage has already broken down and a couple splits, that realisation dawns that the problems were perhaps not managed and sorted out as they should have been.
The regrets emerge… If only we had read the danger signs, and acted on them instead of sweeping things under the proverbial carpet, things might not have got so out of hand. Forgiving and forgetting is doubly challenging when weighed down by long-held resentment and bitterness towards the spouse. Bottling up feelings of rage or sadness results in suppressing and numbing our feelings. It is in feeling secure enough to show our vulnerability and share our deepest feelings and wishes – even the negative ones – that a marriage stays healthy. Problems and issues will keep cropping up; it’s equipping ourselves with the tools to deal with them that matters.
READ THE SIGNS
Pointless and endless arguing. Are you and your partner locked in a cycle of continual arguing? The sort of quarrelling that never resolves the issues, but ends up making you feel like a failure instead, as you struggle to defend your position? This is not a healthy situation at all. If you end up feeling constantly criticised by your spouse and made to feel not up to the mark, it leads to a build-up of hurt and anger. Criticism is corrosive and is known to be a key cause for ruining relationships.
Being in a relationship, our partner often sees us at our weakest, our fears, warts and all. If a spouse uses revelations, shared by the other in vulnerable moments, to strike back, it naturally leaves the partner feeling wounded and cheated by this emotional backstab. Equally, the inability to deal with emotional baggage from a past relationship can wreak havoc years down the line. Even harmless things that your spouse says or does will then have the capacity to throw you, as you perceive it in the light of those unresolved issues. Distance can sneak in between a couple before they even realise it. If either doesn’t like the other’s friends and family and prefers to