Su­man Bajpai

Woman's Era - - Contents - By Su­man Bajpai

Do you find your­self wish­ing you had more of a sex life – or at least a bet­ter one? Won­der­ing what oth­ers are do­ing right that you are do­ing wrong? Then it is time to spring clean your sex life with a lit­tle cre­ativ­ity and at­ti­tude ad­just­ment.

Men aren't the only ones who want to have good sex. Fully 81 per cent of women place a sat­is­fy­ing sex life higher than a thriv­ing so­cial life, re­ports the As­so­ci­a­tion of Re­pro­duc­tive Health Pro­fes­sion­als of a sur­vey of 1,200, women. And that's not all: 54 per cent rated it higher than ca­reer sat­is­fac­tion and 53 per cent deemed it more im­por­tant than own­ing a home. So what hap­pens when real life – stress from work, fi­nances, kids and even ten­sions be­tween you and your love – get in the way of your sex life? It can have a daunt­ing ef­fect.

You need to change your think­ing and at­ti­tude and – lo! – you can en­joy a sat­is­fac­tory sex life.

Stop fak­ing it

Sex is com­plex. It's not usu­ally neat (or at least it shouldn't be!) and it can't be put into a box. But one of the worst habits to kill your sex life is to get into it pre­tend­ing some­thing is hap­pen­ing when it's not. Of course, this goes far be­yond the bed­room, but the com­plex­ity of fak­ing or­gasm serves as a good les­son for all those other ar­eas where hon­esty is im­por­tant too.

Are you fak­ing it when you ac­tu­ally want to have an or­gasm but it's just not work­ing? Or are you fak­ing it be­cause you want it to be over? Are you fak­ing it be­cause you don't want him to feel like a fail­ure? Or are you fak­ing it be­cause you feel like you're one?

Stop fak­ing it. You're only fool­ing your­self. Clearly tell your part­ner what you need, when you need it. This doesn't mean giv­ing or­ders, but the more com­mu­nica­tive you can be about your needs the more likely you are to have them met. If your lover has it in their head that they're not do­ing his job un­less you come, but you haven't told them how to do it, con­sider who's fail­ing whom. Or, if you're pre­tend­ing just to get it over with but then won­der­ing why you feel re­sent­ful as the other per­son falls asleep, ask your­self why. And lastly, if you're fak­ing just to stoke an ego, all you're do­ing is giv­ing your part­ner false con­fi­dence – and a false sense of sex­ual se­cu­rity in a re­la­tion­ship that's not re­cip­ro­cal.

Nowhere to hide

If you're the one who al­ways leaves the light off (and shirt on), con­sider this: is your part­ner per­fect? Even if your lover is an Athena or Ado­nis, the truth is he's with you for a rea­son. Among other things, he def­i­nitely finds you at­trac­tive. Ac­cept that you're not per­fect and al­low your­self to be vul­ner­a­ble. Con­fi­dence goes a long way in some­one's eyes and, be­lieve it or not, he's prob­a­bly not look­ing at that mole on your back or the ex­tra meat on your mid­dle. And if he is, he may very well like

it right where it is.

Re­mem­ber, your sex life will be a lot hot­ter than it is when you recog­nise that you're a lot hot­ter than you think.

Ask – don't beg

No of­fence, but its lit­tle won­der your honey doesn't im­me­di­ately strip off her clothes when you come to her beg­ging like a spoiled child. First, stop pout­ing and toss­ing out ac­cu­sa­tions like "we never have sex". Then, like any good sales­man, think of a way to ask for what you want that max­imises the chance that she'll say yes. In­stead of say­ing “I want to have sex”, say “you are so de­sir­able that you make me hot.”

Spice it up

Try some­thing both in­ter­est­ing and fun. Read some sex books and add ex­tra spice to an al­ready pas­sion­ate sex life. Shar­ing the book to­gether or leav­ing it avail­able to en­tice cu­rios­ity in your part­ner, are su­per sexy ideas to get the blood flow­ing. New and dif­fer­ent ways to make each other feel good never gets old and is vi­tal to ev­ery re­la­tion­ship.

Sex­ual re­la­tion­ships un­dergo sea­sons of change.

Just as we ex­pe­ri­ence dif­fer­ent sea­sons through­out the year, our re­la­tion­ships also un­dergo sea­sons of change as well. It’s just not as easy to pre­dict when these changes will oc­cur – or what they will look like. There­fore, it is im­por­tant to re­mem­ber that true in­ti­mate sex­ual re­la­tion­ships do not just “hap­pen” and they do not just re­main the same. Sex­ual re­la­tion­ships are con­stantly evolv­ing and they re­quire at­ten­tion and nur­tur­ing through­out their evo­lu­tion.

Feel sexy

A com­mon li­bido buster is a woman's own body image. It's dif­fi­cult to feel sexy if we are com­par­ing our bod­ies to the ridicu­lous stan­dards of mod­els. The more we're self­con­scious about our bod­ies, the less we can let loose and en­joy sex. What if you're con­cerned that your hus­band may be the one do­ing the com­par­isons? If you have a pas­sion­ate sex life, your hus­band won't care how you look.

An­other con­cern is mis­com­mu­ni­ca­tion be­tween the spouses. If your hus­band asks for sex and you say no, he may take the re­jec­tion per­son­ally. He may hes­i­tate to ask again on an­other night. A woman should not as­sume that her hus­band un­der­stands her moods. It is im­por­tant to talk with him about when good times for in­ti­macy are. No mat­ter how of­ten you are in­ti­mate, you need to tell your mate reg­u­larly that you still love him and find him at­trac­tive.

Have it her way

You should be will­ing to ex­pend the en­ergy to get her as aroused as you are. Ev­ery woman has some se­cret de­sire that makes her very hot, very fast. Fig­ure out what it is – whether it's oral at­ten­tion or act­ing out a par­tic­u­lar fan­tasy – and she'll want you as much as you want her.

Re­duce anx­i­ety

On a deeper note, think­ing pos­i­tively about sex and hav­ing a good at­ti­tude about sex may be more com­pli­cated than we think as many women have de­vel­oped an ac­tual anx­i­ety dis­or­der around sex. They ac­tu­ally feel pan­icked when faced with the sub­ject. Some­times this stems from an early sex­ual trauma in one form or an­other and some­times it is just caused by years of bad feel­ings sur­round­ing sex. Some women cre­ate sce­nar­ios, go to bed early, start a fight or even fall asleep with the kids in or­der to avoid fac­ing this is­sue. What you need to know, how­ever, is this – anx­i­ety is a con­di­tion that ei­ther lessens or in­creases ev­ery time we face it. There­fore, ev­ery time a woman's anx­i­ety leads her to avoid hav­ing sex with her hus­band, it makes it even more dif­fi­cult to get over the fear and have sex the next time. What­ever you can do to re­duce these fears, do.


Take a get­away week­end, prefer­ably out of town, and only leave your room for meals. If that's too ex­pen­sive, make it a habit to go out on an in­ex­pen­sive, but ro­man­tic, date once a week. Here are some ideas: take a walk in a moon­lit park hold­ing hands, or pack a pic­nic din­ner com­plete with cham­pagne and find a se­cluded area in the woods. We


A suc­cess­ful mar­riage re­quires fall­ing in love many times, al­ways with the same per­son.

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