Spice Up Your Sex Life:
The Power of Fantasy
It’s been quite a while since that first month of marital bliss. The passion and desire of those long honeymoon nights seems to have fizzled out as time has passed and life has intruded. While you’re wondering where the flame has gone, social scientists are also busy at work studying the increasing phenomenon of sexless marriages to find clues to what can go wrong in a relationship. So, if you starting to feel like there’s no spark in your marriage, it’s time to put the sex back into it.
‘The first month of marriage is the sweetest; there’s nothing but tenderness and pleasure,’ an old proverb says. How true a description that is for newlyweds. After the wedding bell tolls, they are off on a honeymoon journey to celebrate marriage in intimacy and seclusion, whether to some exotic island or a rustic seaside cottage. All they need is each other and a little imagination.
When Sex Leaves the Marriage
However, as married life goes by, many couples stop viewing sex as an important part of the relationship. According to data from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviours of Americans since 1972, married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, or a little more than once a week. And it’s estimated that about 15 per cent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to a year.
There are many factors behind a sexless, or less-sex, marriage. Back in the days before reliable contraception was invented, a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. For couples today, things like childbirth and the demands of raising a family and establishing a career have made sex slow or even stop.
Despite this trend, many couples seem undisturbed that the sex has left their marriage, perhaps failing to see it as a signal that the intimacy is fading from the relationship. “A sexual relationship is very important for couples under 40 years of age,” says Dewi Minangsari, a counsellor at Jagadnita Consulting, while adding that for older couples, showing affection through hugs and kisses is just as necessary. “I’m not saying sex becomes less important for older couples. Basically, intercourse is needed in married life as long as you both are healthy, physically and mentally.” So, before your marriage becomes permanently sexless, take action and spice things up. Learning to fantasize could be one way to build intimacy, just as when you were still honeymooners …
Learning to Fantasize
Sex generally starts in the brain. So, an active imagination means you’re ready for sex before anything physical has happened, heightening desire and making arousal much quicker. Evidence suggests that those who fantasize the most are in happy, loving, trusting relationships, as an active fantasy life can add novelty to a long-standing sexual relationship. “When you’re fantasizing, your mind explores places the body has no intention of visiting, and that builds excitement,” says Dewi. The most common male fantasies include being dominant or being passive and submissive, watching others make love, trying new sexual positions and reliving a previous experience. The most common female fantasies include romantic or exotic locations, being found irresistible and doing something forbidden.
If you don’t find sexual fantasy comes easily, you can learn. Try exploring bookshops for erotic books and magazines available to suit any taste. “Go to your local video store which stocks a range of films, from romances to thrillers and more explicit 18-rated movies,” says Dewi, while also suggesting that couples should not hesitate to try a variety of sexual positions.
Indeed, sex is only one form of intimacy and there’s no ideal level of sexual activity, but many experts have found a correlation between happiness and having sex. So, if you feel it’s worth the effort to put the sex back into your relationship, just put your mind to it for a more fulfilling marriage.
Let the mind wander. Here are a few tricks to stimulate arousal and turn up the bedroom heat:
1. Don’t rush to get naked. It’s true you’re married and your husband knows what he’s getting, but he wants nothing more than to watch you unveil the goods, slowly and sensually while you’re doing a sexy striptease. This can put you both in a deliciously amorous mood.
2. Slip a surprise. When was the last time you excused yourself to powder your nose at a restaurant and returned without your underwear? Stick them in your purse and then discreetly slip them into his pocket under the table. Almost 100 per cent of guys say the no-panties-in-public move is a major turn-on.
3. Try a thinly veiled treat. You may never get a chance to wear your wedding gown again, but your veil is another story. Pack it in your suitcase with a pair of sexy, skyhigh white heels, then put them both on … and nothing else.
4. Play with the mercury. Heat is hot, but ice is pretty nice, too. Slipping a little of both into your oral repertoire can be deliciously naughty. Have a steamy mug of warm water nearby, as well as a frosty glass of ice water. Take a sip of the warm one first, move it around your mouth and swallow just before heading south. Allow him to enjoy that sensation for a while, then repeat with the cold water.
Photographer: Reo Sinarta +62 878 530 38889| Stylist: A.J. | Assistant Stylist: Irine Tjang | Makeup and hair by Ika Damajanti +62 819 4969 1117 | Models: Kate & Julien, F-Models International | Locations: Pakuwon Golf & Family Club, Surabaya; Kate is wearing yellow top and shorts by May & June, while Julien is wearing Delicious Batik by Embran, shorts by CHEZSZ