Spice Up Your Sex Life:

The Power of Fan­tasy

Maxx-brides Honeymoon - - Tips - Text by Mel­lie Cyn­thia

It’s been quite a while since that first month of mar­i­tal bliss. The pas­sion and de­sire of those long hon­ey­moon nights seems to have fiz­zled out as time has passed and life has in­truded. While you’re won­der­ing where the flame has gone, so­cial sci­en­tists are also busy at work study­ing the in­creas­ing phe­nom­e­non of sex­less mar­riages to find clues to what can go wrong in a re­la­tion­ship. So, if you start­ing to feel like there’s no spark in your mar­riage, it’s time to put the sex back into it.

‘The first month of mar­riage is the sweet­est; there’s noth­ing but ten­der­ness and plea­sure,’ an old proverb says. How true a de­scrip­tion that is for new­ly­weds. Af­ter the wed­ding bell tolls, they are off on a hon­ey­moon jour­ney to cel­e­brate mar­riage in in­ti­macy and seclu­sion, whether to some ex­otic is­land or a rus­tic sea­side cot­tage. All they need is each other and a lit­tle imag­i­na­tion.

When Sex Leaves the Mar­riage

How­ever, as mar­ried life goes by, many cou­ples stop view­ing sex as an im­por­tant part of the re­la­tion­ship. Ac­cord­ing to data from the Gen­eral So­cial Sur­vey, which has tracked the so­cial be­hav­iours of Amer­i­cans since 1972, mar­ried men and women, on aver­age, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, or a lit­tle more than once a week. And it’s es­ti­mated that about 15 per cent of mar­ried cou­ples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to a year.

There are many fac­tors be­hind a sex­less, or less-sex, mar­riage. Back in the days be­fore re­li­able con­tra­cep­tion was in­vented, a sex­less mar­riage was one way of lim­it­ing fam­ily size. For cou­ples to­day, things like child­birth and the de­mands of rais­ing a fam­ily and es­tab­lish­ing a ca­reer have made sex slow or even stop.

De­spite this trend, many cou­ples seem undis­turbed that the sex has left their mar­riage, per­haps fail­ing to see it as a sig­nal that the in­ti­macy is fad­ing from the re­la­tion­ship. “A sex­ual re­la­tion­ship is very im­por­tant for cou­ples un­der 40 years of age,” says Dewi Mi­nangsari, a coun­sel­lor at Ja­gad­nita Con­sult­ing, while adding that for older cou­ples, show­ing af­fec­tion through hugs and kisses is just as nec­es­sary. “I’m not say­ing sex be­comes less im­por­tant for older cou­ples. Ba­si­cally, in­ter­course is needed in mar­ried life as long as you both are healthy, phys­i­cally and men­tally.” So, be­fore your mar­riage be­comes per­ma­nently sex­less, take ac­tion and spice things up. Learn­ing to fan­ta­size could be one way to build in­ti­macy, just as when you were still honey­moon­ers …

Learn­ing to Fan­ta­size

Sex gen­er­ally starts in the brain. So, an ac­tive imag­i­na­tion means you’re ready for sex be­fore any­thing phys­i­cal has hap­pened, height­en­ing de­sire and mak­ing arousal much quicker. Ev­i­dence sug­gests that those who fan­ta­size the most are in happy, lov­ing, trust­ing re­la­tion­ships, as an ac­tive fan­tasy life can add nov­elty to a long-stand­ing sex­ual re­la­tion­ship. “When you’re fan­ta­siz­ing, your mind ex­plores places the body has no in­ten­tion of vis­it­ing, and that builds ex­cite­ment,” says Dewi. The most com­mon male fan­tasies in­clude be­ing dom­i­nant or be­ing pas­sive and sub­mis­sive, watch­ing oth­ers make love, try­ing new sex­ual po­si­tions and re­liv­ing a pre­vi­ous ex­pe­ri­ence. The most com­mon fe­male fan­tasies in­clude ro­man­tic or ex­otic lo­ca­tions, be­ing found ir­re­sistible and do­ing some­thing for­bid­den.

If you don’t find sex­ual fan­tasy comes eas­ily, you can learn. Try ex­plor­ing book­shops for erotic books and mag­a­zines avail­able to suit any taste. “Go to your lo­cal video store which stocks a range of films, from ro­mances to thrillers and more ex­plicit 18-rated movies,” says Dewi, while also sug­gest­ing that cou­ples should not hes­i­tate to try a va­ri­ety of sex­ual po­si­tions.

In­deed, sex is only one form of in­ti­macy and there’s no ideal level of sex­ual ac­tiv­ity, but many ex­perts have found a cor­re­la­tion be­tween hap­pi­ness and hav­ing sex. So, if you feel it’s worth the ef­fort to put the sex back into your re­la­tion­ship, just put your mind to it for a more ful­fill­ing mar­riage.

Let the mind wan­der. Here are a few tricks to stim­u­late arousal and turn up the bed­room heat:

1. Don’t rush to get naked. It’s true you’re mar­ried and your hus­band knows what he’s get­ting, but he wants noth­ing more than to watch you un­veil the goods, slowly and sen­su­ally while you’re do­ing a sexy strip­tease. This can put you both in a de­li­ciously amorous mood.

2. Slip a sur­prise. When was the last time you ex­cused yourself to pow­der your nose at a restau­rant and re­turned with­out your un­der­wear? Stick them in your purse and then dis­creetly slip them into his pocket un­der the ta­ble. Al­most 100 per cent of guys say the no-panties-in-pub­lic move is a ma­jor turn-on.

3. Try a thinly veiled treat. You may never get a chance to wear your wed­ding gown again, but your veil is an­other story. Pack it in your suit­case with a pair of sexy, sky­high white heels, then put them both on … and noth­ing else.

4. Play with the mer­cury. Heat is hot, but ice is pretty nice, too. Slip­ping a lit­tle of both into your oral reper­toire can be de­li­ciously naughty. Have a steamy mug of warm wa­ter nearby, as well as a frosty glass of ice wa­ter. Take a sip of the warm one first, move it around your mouth and swal­low just be­fore head­ing south. Al­low him to en­joy that sen­sa­tion for a while, then re­peat with the cold wa­ter.

Pho­tog­ra­pher: Reo Si­narta +62 878 530 38889| Stylist: A.J. | As­sis­tant Stylist: Irine Tjang | Makeup and hair by Ika Da­ma­janti +62 819 4969 1117 | Mod­els: Kate & Julien, F-Mod­els In­ter­na­tional | Lo­ca­tions: Paku­won Golf & Fam­ily Club, Surabaya; Kate is wear­ing yel­low top and shorts by May & June, while Julien is wear­ing De­li­cious Batik by Em­bran, shorts by CHEZSZ

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