Christ­mas cake recipe with a twist


I HAVE a pe­cu­liar prob­lem. In truth, it’s not so much a prob­lem but a pres­sure; ev­ery year him­self makes the Christ­mas pud­dings. He doesn’t just make them but, ex­traor­di­nar­ily and kind of an­noy­ingly, he is su­per-or­gan­ised through­out the whole pro­duc­tion.

The process kicks off on a Sun­day in early Oc­to­ber. Be­cause th­ese ba­bies need to boil for hours, he in­vari­ably nom­i­nates that day of the week as it’s the only day we tend to stay put. Oc­to­ber is nom­i­nated as he is of the firm opin­ion that any de­cent pud­ding needs some fairly de­cent ma­tur­ing; he knows his stuff, this guy.

Of course it’s all very good of him, com­mend­ably avant-garde and un­de­ni­ably “new-man-ish” so you might well ask what is my prob­lem? Sim­ply an­swered the prob­lem is the Christ­mas cake; the laws of democ­racy at our place cite that the Christ­mas cake is en­tirely my gig.

So from the mo­ment those per­fectly primped pud­dings are cooked and shelved, the pres­sure is on to bake the cake. How­ever, de­spite my know­ing that the same rules ap­ply to cakes as to pud­dings re­gard­ing time-map­ping, or­gan­i­sa­tion and the ma­tur­ing process, I must con­fess there is still not a cake baked and it’s now De­cem­ber.

Feel­ing hugely pres­surised, stressed and in­ex­pli­ca­bly an­noyed, I found my­self rum­mag­ing through my moun­tain of recipes do­ing the same ding-dong I do ev­ery year un­til I stopped on one - a recipe long since for­got­ten. And as I read through it, the strangest thing hap­pened; the pres­sure fell away, my ten­sion evap­o­rated and a smile nudged across my face af­ford­ing space for a belly laugh to er­rupt from… well… my belly. Of course, I still haven’t baked the cake but para­dox­i­cally I own the after-taste of a recipe whose sweet­ness ri­vals any con­fec­tion. So to al­le­vi­ate any pres­sure out there, I thought I might share the fol­low­ing which for me was a wee recipe for laugh­ter. “Joye­ful” Christ­mas Cake: Bot­tle of whiskey, 1 cup but­ter, I cup brown sugar, I cup dried-fruit, le­mon juice, 4 large eggs, 1 tsp bak­ing pow­der, nuts.

First sam­ple the whiskey. Take a large bowl, mak­ing sure to check the whiskey again. To be cer­tain the whiskey is of the high­est qual­ity, pour one level cup and drink. Re­peat twice. Turn on the elec­tric mixer. Beat 1 cup of but­ter in a fluffy bowl. Add spoon­tea of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup. Beat two legs, add to bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. Stiff mix with a slurp of whiskey, sam­pling it again to test for ton­sis­tic­ity.

Next sift two cups of salt or some­thing – who cares? Check the whiskey. Next sift the le­mon juice and strain your nuts. Add your bab­ble­spoon of brown sugar or what­ever colour you find. Wix well. Grease the oven, turn the cake onto 360° or what­ever. Don’t for­get to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl in the bin. Drain the whiskey and go to bed!

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Ireland

© PressReader. All rights reserved.