WELL that’s it for another year! It’s all over bar the shouting as my local butcher has been telling me for the past week! The Tree is up, the presents are wrapped, the fridge is stocked and I’ve marked off the programmes I want to watch just like my Granny used to do with the Radio Times. Christmas has officially arrived.
To be fair, Christmas arrived in our house about three weeks ago when we scourged the first tin of Heroes! Once the chocolate stock was depleted we moved onto the wine, deciding that it was important to taste it before we offered any of our guests a glass.
Trouble is we tasted it..... and tasted it.... and tasted it and tomorrow I will have to go out and buy a brand new supply - One nice bottle and 11 s*** bottles! No one ever notices what they’re drinking after the first glass.
So here’s the plan: We’ll go to the Children’s Mass on Christmas Eve, which is more a Free for All than an actual service. The Parish Priest will battle to be heard over the screaming toddlers and whingey children and then we’ll all sing Silent Night out of tune and go home delighted with ourselves for doing our Catholic duty.
Like most parents we will be up at the crack of dawn which is only to be expected and we will sit around the tree oohing and ahhhing over everything Santa brought while praying we can sneak back to bed for an hour’s kip before breakfast. It’s a long bloody day!
Then the neighbours come over for drinks, which is always a bit of a lark because the average age of all our neighbours is about 78.
Last year an elderly lady down the road got a bit too tipsy and had to be carried home, turkey forgotten and the roasties burnt! Sure that’s the sign of a great party!
Christmas dinner will be in the In Laws because nobody trusts me to cook a turkey. Can’t say I blame them really. Considering my history of washing out a chicken with fairy liquid, I wouldn’t eat my turkey either so I’m quite happy to hand over culinary responsibility.
Then it’s time to collapse into a food coma in front of the telly and watch Downton Abbey and Mrs Browns Boys. After that the Father in Law will start turning off all the lights to let us know it’s time to go home. Subtle he ain’t!
I’ve omitted to mention that I’m supposed to be doing a Christmas Day Swim in the hope that if I say nothing, they might forget my promise.
So far Himself hasn’t budged. I’ve offered bribery and sexual favours to no avail. He’d much rather see me suffer than get his leg over!
And after weeks of fuss, preparation and stress, Christmas is over for another year. Time stops for no man. So Eat, Drink and Be Merry. Cherish your loved ones and enjoy the moment.
Happy Christmas to One and All!
THE FRIDGE IS STOCKED AND I’VE MARKED OFF THE PROGRAMMES I WANT TO WATCH. CHRISTMAS HAS OFFICIALLY ARRIVED