Marriage of convenience will end in tears

THERE they are now. The lads. Himself and himself. Sworn enemies. Deadly foes. United at last. Years of bickering, backbiting and bitching, all forgotten, the common good prevailing, the welfare of the nation preserved. The old number one is now the new number two, keeping the seat warm till the new number one gives way for the old number two.

It brings to mind happier times, in a sporting sense at least, an era when Liverpool Football Club were still a couple of decades away from a league title and thought it wise to have two managers, two men calling the shots, at the same time.

The two men in question were about as different as you could get: Roy Evans, a scouser, a member of the fabled boot-room, a man steeped in the history of Shankly, Paisley and continuous success.

And Gerard Houllier; French, innovative, idealistic, part of the new wave of European coaches revolutionising the Premier League.

Needless to say it was a disaster, a beautiful, spectacular disaster. Prior to Houllier’s arrival Evans had moderate success, and once the latter resigned his successor won a few cups, but as a duo they were destined for failure.

Technically, Micheál Martin and Leo Varadkar won’t share the role of Taoiseach to quite the same extent. Each will get a go as the bossman, with the other as his understudy, for a period of approximately two-and-a-half years. But this arrangement, created under duress, will surely end in similar fashion, its unpopularity among the electorate matched only by the ill will already spreading throughout the Dáil.

To expect these two men, whose recent relations can best be described as prickly, to work in harmony for the next five years is a stretch of the imagination under any circumstances. When you factor in the blatant discomfort of several prominent figures in their respective parties, politicans who outwardly opposed this union, feel dirty at the mere thought of cosying up to lifelong rivals and are already grumbling at the Ministerial appointments, one wonders if Chief Whip Dara Calleary should be equipped with something more grievous to keep dissenters in check, a cat o’ nine tails perhaps.

Yet this is how it had to be. No one wanted it, least of all the two parties involved, but they’ve done it for our sake, so that we’ll have a Government; they’re sound like that. This selfless act comes with a couple of benefits however. First and foremost, it keeps the ship afloat for another few years, maintains the status quo. Equally important; it keeps the other mob out. And it reminds the public, the fools who thought voting for someone else would make a jot of difference, that no matter how hard they try it’ll be the same guys at the helm year in, year out and that they really shouldn’t bother.

They should accept their fate, accept that neither Sinn Féin, nor the Social Democrats, nor the flotsam and jetsam of Independents can ever hope to overthrow the Big Two and revert to the mixture of apathy and mild disquiet they do best.

Because really that’s what it’s about. It’s not about salvaging the country, leading us out of the wreckage caused by Covid-19 and offering hope to those most affected by the crumbling economy. No, the end goal is preserving what they have, ensuring there is little or no room at the top table for anyone but themselves. Given their history no-one would have predicted this, but if sleeping with the enemy is what it takes then so be it.

Laughably, having sold his soul to avoid the ingnominy of becoming the first leader of Fianna Fáil not to be Taoiseach, Micheál Martin will spend less time in office than any of his predecessors. Leo must be laughing his fancy little socks off right now; having helped steer us through lockdown, gone all the way to America to read a speech off an autocue, and dished out €350 to a crowd of people he secretly suspected of being benefit cheats, he now gets to leave his most hated rival, oh sorry, beloved ally, to clear up the mess. And no matter what Micheál does, whether he improves the state of the nation or picks up where the last Fianna Fáil Government left off, Leo will return in a couple of years ready to take credit or apportion blame depending on what he inherits.