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RUDE TUBE AT­TACK

Hmmm… if there was one thing I never thought we’d have to worry about it was get­ting socked by amorous cou­ples on pub­lic trans­port. A woman in Lon­don claims to have been at­tacked on the North­ern line, when she asked a pair of com­muters to stop hav­ing sex on the Tube. The man, tak­ing um­brage at be­ing in­ter­rupted, al­legedly spat at the woman’s face and then pushed her. Pas­sen­gers in­ter­vened to as­sist (her). Granted, no­body likes to be both­ered when they are get­ting it on, but per­haps the North­ern line is not the ideal spot for canoodling.

NO SEX ED, WE’RE BREXITERS

Dear, oh, dear. Here’s an un­ex­pected con­se­quence of Brexit — laws mak­ing sex and re­la­tion­ship ed­u­ca­tion (SRE) com­pul­sory in all schools, in­clud­ing faith schools, is likely to be put on hold. Maria Miller, a Con­ser­va­tive MP and chair of the women and equal­i­ties com­mit­tee, fears that SRE leg­is­la­tion will be held up be­cause the gov­ern­ment is fo­cused on Brexit. A new poll sug­gests that eight in ten adults sup­port com­pul­sory SRE in schools. The kids want it too. A re­cent sur­vey by the char­ity Barnardo’s found that three­quar­ters of chil­dren aged 11 and 15 felt they would be safer if they had SRE at school, and seven in ten think it should be com­pul­sory.

BOOZE AND SKIRTS BLAMED FOR AT­TACKS

Here’s the con­se­quence of poor sex ed­u­ca­tion — just over a third of Bri­tish women be­lieve drunk girls in short skirts are partly to blame for sex­ual as­saults. The sur­vey, which ques­tioned more than 8,000 peo­ple, found that 38 per­cent of men also be­lieve the woman is some­what to blame. Four­teen per cent of young men, aged be­tween 18 and 24, thought the woman — not her at­tacker — was to­tally at fault. We’re not much bet­ter in Ire­land. A re­cent Euro­barom­e­ter poll found that 21 per­cent of Ir­ish peo­ple reckon it is fine to have sex with­out con­sent in cer­tain sit­u­a­tions. 11 per­cent of Ir­ish peo­ple said that be­ing drunk or on drugs jus­ti­fies rape, while 9 per­cent thought it was OK if a woman was wear­ing re­veal­ing clothes.

SEX­TON’S MIS­CEL­LANY

BAD SEX AD­VICE

A while back the ras­cals of Red­dit were swop­ping the worst sex ad­vice they ever re­ceived. Here are some doozies.

The shoelace tip

• Wrap it around the mid­dle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then … pull on the strings, floss­ing it up and down.

Bad con­tra­cep­tion ad­vice

• If the girls on top and you fin­ish in her, grav­ity will pre­vent her from get­ting preg­nant. • Us­ing Saran wrap in­stead of a con­dom ended up with a trip to the hos­pi­tal and a $200 bill to fish the Saran from deep within my ex, rather than a quick trip to the gas sta­tion and $5 for a f**king con­dom. • Dip your balls in a mug of hot wa­ter to kill all the sperm. Then she can’t get preg­nant.

Hot and cold

• Mas­tur­bate in front of him us­ing a Pop­si­cle and then “in­vite him to f**k your shock­ingly icy pussy. • If you want to spice up your sex-life, use Deep Heat as lube.

Know your place, ladies! • Women should never, ever ini­ti­ate sex. Ever. It’s bad for your re­la­tion­ship. Your hus­band won’t re­spect you if you ini­ti­ate.

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