Waiting for his divorce is poisoning our relationship
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 40s and my boyfriend is a few years older. We have been together for three and a half years.
Two and a half years ago, he decided he wanted to divorce his wife, but she wouldn’t agree to it, even though he tried to meet all her demands, including giving her the house. I think she still hoped that he would go back to her.
His lawyer advised him to live apart from her for four years and after that he wouldn’t need her consent. My partner took this advice and moved out of the family home.
He reassured me that the divorce would still go head, but it would just be later than he’d hoped, and he asked me to wait for him.
I actually threatened to leave him due to frustration, but I love him, so I’m waiting for this divorce to happen.
This has caused us to quarrel a lot and I’m seeing new sides to his character. He is hot tempered and impatient, but we have a lot of chemistry and the sex has kept us going. Should I keep waiting for another year and a half? I keep wondering whether I should end it as the longer the time goes on, the more we argue!
Coleen says
I wonder if the two of you had an affair and that’s what ended his marriage? With affairs there is a great sexual chemistry and the sense doing something you shouldn’t.
But what I’ve found with lots of couples whose relationship came out of an affair, when the cloak and dagger stuff has gone and it’s all legit and out in the open, it becomes routine and normal and, quite frankly, dull.
Affairs aren’t ‘real’, they’re wrapped up in fantasy and when you start living as a normal couple, warts and all, it can be a huge letdown for some people.
So bear that in mind and think about whether you are suited as a couple or if it’s really only about sex.
As far as the divorce goes, you’ve done the hard bit so a year and a half doesn’t seem that long to wait. But what are you expecting when he is officially divorced and how is it going to change things?
I don’t think he’ll be ready to jump into another marriage, so if that’s what you’re hoping for, I’d be very wary. Rather than arguing, try to have a calm conversation about what the plan is once his divorce does come through and what you expect of each other. of