Boyfriend is skimping on foreplay during the week
I am certain that my boyfriend knows all about good foreplay, because I’ve experienced it. Yet on weeknights, when time is short, he barely spends any time on my pleasure and goes straight to what he must think is the main event. I am much less likely to orgasm under these rushed circumstances.
>> Quickie sex is fine, and no one minds taking the occasional rain check, but there is something not quite right when midweek trysts repeatedly deliver for one partner only. Tiredness is a valid excuse for wanting a cuddle rather than intercourse; it is not an excuse to rush sex. Time is not the issue either. A British survey of 44,000 people by the sex-toy retailer Lovehoney found that the optimum time for a full lovemaking session was 30 minutes. However tired, there’s no reason why you can’t go to bed earlier and have ample time for foreplay, intercourse, and an orgasm each.
Your boyfriend’s behaviour is a classic illustration of habituation. At the start of a relationship, sex is one of the most important ways for a couple to spend their time. Life then gets in the way and you gradually stop dedicating entire evenings to each other’s pleasure, and one (or both) stops making an effort. Relationships are give and take, but too often it’s the woman giving and the man taking. In the most comprehensive survey of sexual behaviour in the US — The Social Organisation of Sexuality by Edward O Laumann in 1992 — 75% of the men questioned said that they always had an orgasm during sex, compared with 29% of the women.
At the moment your boyfriend is saving his bacon by making an effort at weekends, but farther down the line there’s a possibility that he will start skimping on a Saturday too. You need to nip this in the bud. There is no constructive way to tell your boyfriend that you’re a bit peeved about him rushing things during the week and therefore not making an effort to satisfy you — so the only way to change this is to make him want to please you. The best way to do this is to randomise the reward, which is a proven psychological strategy.
In the famous 1950s study, the psychologist BF Skinner trained rats to press a lever to release a food treat, but as soon as the process became predictable they gave up. If the treats were randomised so that the rats got, for example, a small treat, then no treat, then a big treat, they would press the lever compulsively.
Because human beings possess the same appetite for novel rewards, every habit-forming technology, from slot machines to social media, uses random scheduling to keep customers coming back. It is much the same with sex.
In life, whenever we get rewarded, our brains release a shot of dopamine. This makes us feel good, but it also makes us want more of the thing that created that sensation, so it is released both as a result of and in anticipation of pleasure. The relationship between novelty, unpredictability and desire can be used in a positive way to enhance sex in a long-term relationship. Add a bit of intrigue to your midweek sex sessions and he will be forced to raise his game.
“However tired, there’s no reason why you can’t go to bed earlier and have ample time for foreplay Sex advice with Suzi Godson