Don’t fight it. Em­brace it. That pig may save your mar­riage

Irish Examiner - Weekend - - Inside -

ough doc­u­men­tary or an episode of ‘Masterchef’. It will be to watch an ob­nox­ious pig ridicule her par­ents and con­duct her­self in such a man­ner that should war­rant her be­ing locked in a tower for a min­i­mum two weeks du­ra­tion. Your tod­dler may also de­velop a slight Bri­tish ac­cent as a re­sult of re­peated view­ings of the pig’s an­tics. Don’t fight it. Em­brace it. That pig may save your mar­riage.

As you nav­i­gate all the mile­stone ‘Firsts’ and they be­gin to tail off in their fre­quency, you al­low your­self to be­lieve that you have rel­a­tively com­pleted that check­list of same. Un­til you hear the fol­low­ing word ut­tered for that very ‘First’ time… play­date. You see, chil­dren, don’t just ‘play’ any­more. There must be an agree­ment between both par­ties i.e. the par­ents, for an ar­ranged time and date which is agree­able to ev­ery­one. The kids don’t give a fig about any of this and will pin you into the cor­ner by the school gates whilst wear­ing their best ‘Chil­dren of the Corn’ ex­pres­sion as they in­tone in a sing song voice,

“Can Child X come to my house to­day? I told him/her that s(he) could. You can just text his/ with your mind. Be­cause you will al­low it to. You will clean the house like a ma­niac be­fore­hand (rookie mis­take) for fear that the child will re­port back to their par­ents that you do, in fact, in­habit such a hovel that mange-af­flicted ro­dents would refuse sanc­tu­ary. Un­doubt­edly, you will con­coct a healthy and nutri­tious meal con­tain­ing a whole-wheat pasta and avo­cado which re­sem­bles spit-up from the In­cred­i­ble Hulk: the re­sult of a nasty, Hulk­ish, chest in­fec­tion which in turn causes the child to remark,

“My mum is a bet­ter cook than you”.

You will do all the above and more. But let me tell you a se­cret, none of this mat­ters to the child. They will not re­port back to their par­ents about any of the afore­men­tioned lu­na­cies. Be­cause kids are only con­cerned with the fol­low­ing three things: the speed of your in­ter­net, chicken nuggets and ketchup. So, cut your­self some slack, stock the freezer with the beige food and pos­si­bly think about chang­ing your broad­band provider. These steps will un­doubt­edly se­cure you many re­turn vis­its thus en­abling you to take ad­van­tage of your own ‘ex­tra-cur­ric­u­lar ac­tiv­i­ties’ in peace.

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