Don’t fight it. Embrace it. That pig may save your marriage
ough documentary or an episode of ‘Masterchef’. It will be to watch an obnoxious pig ridicule her parents and conduct herself in such a manner that should warrant her being locked in a tower for a minimum two weeks duration. Your toddler may also develop a slight British accent as a result of repeated viewings of the pig’s antics. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. That pig may save your marriage.
As you navigate all the milestone ‘Firsts’ and they begin to tail off in their frequency, you allow yourself to believe that you have relatively completed that checklist of same. Until you hear the following word uttered for that very ‘First’ time… playdate. You see, children, don’t just ‘play’ anymore. There must be an agreement between both parties i.e. the parents, for an arranged time and date which is agreeable to everyone. The kids don’t give a fig about any of this and will pin you into the corner by the school gates whilst wearing their best ‘Children of the Corn’ expression as they intone in a sing song voice,
“Can Child X come to my house today? I told him/her that s(he) could. You can just text his/ with your mind. Because you will allow it to. You will clean the house like a maniac beforehand (rookie mistake) for fear that the child will report back to their parents that you do, in fact, inhabit such a hovel that mange-afflicted rodents would refuse sanctuary. Undoubtedly, you will concoct a healthy and nutritious meal containing a whole-wheat pasta and avocado which resembles spit-up from the Incredible Hulk: the result of a nasty, Hulkish, chest infection which in turn causes the child to remark,
“My mum is a better cook than you”.
You will do all the above and more. But let me tell you a secret, none of this matters to the child. They will not report back to their parents about any of the aforementioned lunacies. Because kids are only concerned with the following three things: the speed of your internet, chicken nuggets and ketchup. So, cut yourself some slack, stock the freezer with the beige food and possibly think about changing your broadband provider. These steps will undoubtedly secure you many return visits thus enabling you to take advantage of your own ‘extra-curricular activities’ in peace.