Thanks to day­time TV I have taken a jour­ney of self dis­cov­ery

New Ross Standard - - NEWS - Jus­tine O’Ma­hony

THE things you learn from day­time tele­vi­sion! I learnt this week that ap­par­ently I’m a bit slovenly, a poor house­keeper and a slob!

I’ll ad­mit to the poor house­keeper part. Even the chil­dren say the nicest thing I cook is sandwiches and I never knew you were sup­posed to dust skirt­ing boards un­til my Mother in Law in­formed me.

But slovenly is a bit harsh. I keep a clean…ish house. How can any­one with kids say in all hon­esty that their house is spot­less? Yet ac­cord­ing to a pro­gramme on day­time TV this week I am fall­ing way be­low the clean­li­ness barom­e­ter that mea­sures how good a house­wife you are.

Let’s talk about beds first. Now I am quite good at chang­ing the beds. I do it once a week al­though I have been known to sleep in fake-tan cov­ered sheets un­til the week is up. I know some­one who shall re­main name­less, who changes her beds once a month! I KNOW!! And yet she doesn’t smell!

But did you know you’re sup­posed to clean your mat­tress too? And what’s more, you’re sup­posed to do it sev­eral times a year. I have only ever cleaned a mat­tress if some­one has puked, pooed or pid­dled on it.

Other than that it’s turn it over twice a year so it won’t get saggy.

Then there’s the ket­tle.

I have never in my life cleaned a ket­tle. In fact I don’t even know how to do it. If limescale starts build­ing up, I feck it in the bin and buy an­other one in Aldi. And then there’s the oven. I’m a bit ashamed to ad­mit this but I have never EVER cleaned my oven and I have it 15 years! In fact

I wouldn’t have a clue how to go about it. I am consoling my­self with the be­lief that all the bac­te­ria lurk­ing in there is killed off at 180 de­grees so no harm done.

Com­puter Key­boards are an­other dan­ger zone say the ex­perts and now that I think about it, there are quite a few crumbs con­tam­i­nat­ing my al­pha­bet. The screen gets a wipe oc­ca­sion­ally with one of those dis­pos­able glasses wipes from Lidl but I have never con­tem­plated clean­ing my key­board.

This might be a job for Him­self as I de­spise grotty jobs like toi­let clean­ing, bin emp­ty­ing (speak­ing of which, do any of you wash out your bin? Me nei­ther!) and freezer de­frost­ing. He seems to de­rive some weird plea­sure from these me­nial tasks and has in the past made us all ad­mire his hand­i­work re the spark­ing loo, for sev­eral min­utes be­fore warn­ing us to keep it in that con­di­tion. Ob­vi­ously that doesn’t hap­pen.

So thanks to day­time TV I have been on a jour­ney of self dis­cov­ery this week: I am a slovenly house­wife. I am en­deav­our­ing, ever so slightly to rec­tify the sit­u­a­tion. I have even pur­chased a new pair of marigolds and a bot­tle of Duck Xtra strength.

In the in­ter­est of full dis­clo­sure I can tell you now, that was just to make my­self feel bet­ter – they will never be used by me!

I AM CONSOLING MY­SELF WITH THE BE­LIEF THAT ALL THE BAC­TE­RIA LURK­ING IN MY OVEN IS KILLED OFF AT 180 DE­GREES SO NO HARM DONE

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