PIECES OF AD­VICE

As we ask some of Ire­land’s fa­mous faces what ad­vice they would give to their younger selves (see page 16), Pat Fitz­patrick sug­gests other apt pearls of wis­dom

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - FIRST PERSON TOP FIVE -

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Nor a lender be. A lit­tle gem there from Shakespeare. If some­one put a gun to our head, we'd be will­ing to bet that David Drumm and co in An­glo didn't do Ham­let for the Leav­ing. They were prob­a­bly fo­cused on other sub­jects any­way, like Eco­nom­ics and Ap­plied Coun­try-Shag­ging. The An­glo guys prob­a­bly also missed another great line from Polo­nius: “Speak not frankly to John Bowe on the blower for he is the taped one and you will ver­ily end up sound­ing like a right ass­hole.” As you would like to be treated your­self. A great bit of ad­vice that sim­ply doesn't work in Ire­land. Why? The hang­overs give us ter­ri­ble self-loathing. So you end up with: “How would you feel if some­one treated you like that?” “Grand, re­ally.” “Why?” “Be­cause I de­serve it.” “What gives you that idea?” “Be­cause I'm noth­ing but a worth­less piece of shite.” “What are you go­ing to do about it?” “I was think­ing of go­ing for a drink.” Mammy's favourite ad­vice, run a close sec­ond by, “Get off that wet rock or you'll end up with a cold in your kid­neys”. You could sum­marise Mammy's wis­dom with the sim­ple phrase “Be afraid of ev­ery­thing”. That in­cludes the weather, shell­fish, any form of jour­ney, watch­ing some­thing that isn't on RTE One and, let's face it, for­eign­ers. It's bad enough they come from out­side Ire­land — what's worse is that some of them seem proud of the fact.

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The full ver­sion of this ad­vice reads: 1) Find some­one with low self-es­teem and their own house. 2) Move in with them. 3) Fol­low your dream. Avoid timescales, be­cause that could in­volve ac­tual work. 4) Ask for a loan of 50 quid un­til the end of the week. 5) When your part­ner asks you what about their dream, storm out of the room in tears. That's just how you dream­ers roll. 6) Have a lie down. 7) Ask for another 50 quid.

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A bit of wis­dom fa­mil­iar to Bud­dhists and peo­ple on round­abouts who can't find the right exit. Karma states we will get our just deserts in the end. As against Catholi­cism, where you can sin like be­jay­sus up to the end and wipe the slate clean with some magic words. “Bless me, Fa­ther, for I have sinned. I guar­an­tee it won't hap­pen again, par­tic­u­larly now that I am about to die.” Seems like a no-con­test when you put it like that.

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