Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - SOCIAL NETWORK -

The quick­est way to at­tract like-minded peo­ple in Ire­land is to go for a walk with your dog. You’ ll bump into no end of other dog lovers. And two peo­ple will talk about any­thing to dis­tract from the fact that their pets are ba­si­cally giv­ing each other a doggy 69. (What is with all the butt sniff­ing?)

Un­for­tu­nately, there has been a change of mood re­cently, and peo­ple have turned against the no­ble Ir­ish tra­di­tion known as ‘look­ing on while your dog has a shite on the foot­path and walk­ing away with­out clean­ing it up’. There is now ev­ery chance some­one will video this event and put it up on YouTube. This is a cry­ing shame, as it takes all the fun out of owning a dog.

Time to go for the next best thing. A child. Your av­er­age chis­eller at­tracts a lot of strangers and isn’t in­clined to foul the foot­path. (Much.) There is no need to give birth or cre­ate a child. In fact, we’d rec­om­mend you don’t. Kids cost a for­tune, and wreck your life. Luck­ily, with the cost of child­care through the roof, your re­la­tions will be only too glad to hand over their kids for a few hours dur­ing the day. This gives you ac­cess to play­grounds full of other adults dy­ing to talk to any­one over seven.

The eti­quette here couldn’t be sim­pler. If you like the per­son and think an­other meet­ing is in order, just agree with their par­ent­ing. If you want to nip the re­la­tion­ship in the bud, make a pas­sive-ag­gres­sive com­ment about the food they are feed­ing their child. If you’re not sure what pas­sive-ag­gres­sive means, just ask your mother. It’s fair to say that she wrote the book.

Now, she didn’t ex­pect any thanks for writ­ing the book, but it would have been nice if some­one gave her a lit­tle bit of recog­ni­tion all the same. But then, you’re all so busy with your own lives.

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