HOW TO STAY YOUNG AND COOL
Are you unsure of how you should behave in a hipster gastropub? Do you find yourself letting out an old-person groan when you get out of bed? Are parts of your cheek starting to head towards your knees? Do you look and feel like your best days were yester
It might be worth employing a spin doctor who is brilliant at controlling what you say. Speaking of which: Sinn Fein. They are experts at spinning inappropriate statements from old people. They get so much practise with Gerry Adams.
But don’t be fooled into telling people you vote Sinn Fein. It won’t persuade them that you are young and progressive. They’ll just know you’re old and your memory isn’t what it used to be. (What bombs?)
Actually, come to think of it, you’re better off keeping away from woolly, lefty sentiments. You’ll just get a reputation for being ‘young at heart’. That’s the polite way of saying there’s a faint smell of piss off you.
So steer clear of any ageing hippie crap about free love. It’s not that young people are against free love. It’s just that they are against it with you.