HOW TO STAY YOUNG AND COOL

Are you un­sure of how you should be­have in a hip­ster gas­tropub? Do you find your­self let­ting out an old-per­son groan when you get out of bed? Are parts of your cheek start­ing to head to­wards your knees? Do you look and feel like your best days were yester

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - WORLD EXCLUSIVE -

It might be worth em­ploy­ing a spin doc­tor who is bril­liant at con­trol­ling what you say. Speak­ing of which: Sinn Fein. They are ex­perts at spin­ning in­ap­pro­pri­ate state­ments from old peo­ple. They get so much prac­tise with Gerry Adams.

But don’t be fooled into telling peo­ple you vote Sinn Fein. It won’t per­suade them that you are young and pro­gres­sive. They’ll just know you’re old and your mem­ory isn’t what it used to be. (What bombs?)

Ac­tu­ally, come to think of it, you’re bet­ter off keep­ing away from woolly, lefty sen­ti­ments. You’ll just get a rep­u­ta­tion for be­ing ‘young at heart’. That’s the po­lite way of say­ing there’s a faint smell of piss off you.

So steer clear of any age­ing hip­pie crap about free love. It’s not that young peo­ple are against free love. It’s just that they are against it with you.

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