THE YEAR AHEAD

As an­other fas­ci­nat­ing year be­gins to draw to a close, Pat Fitz­patrick takes a look at the big news items that will dom­i­nate our world in 2017

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - FIRST PERSON -

1

Trump and Theresa May will lower cor­po­rate tax rates in the hope of lur­ing our multi­na­tion­als back to their gaff. Facebook and Google will laugh in their faces, be­cause they are only here for our young peo­ple and ac­cess to the Wild At­lantic Way. (They’re un­con­vinced about the An­cient East. Like the rest of us.) In the event that our nerdy tech over­lords make a de­ci­sion based on money, we’ll we left with one eco­nomic sec­tor. Hip­sters sell­ing ar­ti­san prod­ucts in jam jars. Look, we’ll be fine.

2

Jan­uary 20. That’s when Don­ald will be in­au­gu­rated leader of the Free World. He might change that ti­tle to some­thing else. Our guess is The Trump Free World. It will be in­ter­est­ing to see if Trump keeps his word about invit­ing Enda Kenny to the White House for Pa­trick’s Day. Aide: “There’s a guy called Enda here, Mr Pres­i­dent, with a bowl of pars­ley. He once im­plied you’re a dan­ger­ous racist.” Trump: “That’s the nicest thing any­one ever said about me. Show him in.”

3 THE ECON­OMY THE STATES BOOM II

Prop­erty prices will pass their 2007 peak next year. Enda will ap­pear on telly and give us a big thumbs-up, roar­ing: “Fair play, lads, we did it. Where are our crit­ics now?” In Moun­tjoy. Mor­gan Kelly and David McWil­liams will be locked up and put in­com­mu­ni­cado, be­cause they talked the boom down the last time and wrecked it for ev­ery­one. If his­tory has thought us any­thing, it’s that Ir­ish peo­ple have a mem­ory span of 10 years.

4

The les­bian, gay, bi­sex­ual, trans­gen­der acro­nym is so 1990s. The re­vised acro­nym is so long, that by the time you get to the end of it, they’ve added an­other one. You can ex­pect a flood of new ad­di­tions next year. An early con­tender is D, for demi­sex­ual. This is de­fined as some­one who does not ex­pe­ri­ence sex­ual at­trac­tion un­til they form an emo­tional bond. This might also be rep­re­sented by the let­ter W, as in woman, says you, start­ing all kinds of trou­ble on Twit­ter.

5 LGBT IN­GRID MILEYS

They will build a large dor­mi­tory at the Labour Court to house all the In­grid Mi­ley clones, who will be sta­tioned there to cover a year of non-stop pub­lic-sec­tor strikes. There is ev­ery con­fi­dence the ex­ten­sion will be com­pleted on time, as it will be built by pri­vate­sec­tor types who can’t down tools just be­cause they feel sad. There will be no prob­lem at all fi­nanc­ing the pro­ject be­cause, as we know, money grows on trees.

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