I love the man I’m hav­ing an af­fair with but I’m des­per­ate to fin­ish it

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Living - - MARY O’CONOR -

I am a 26-year-old sin­gle mother of one, who has spent more years than I care to men­tion in love with a mar­ried man with four kids. This man was my boss in a com­pany where I worked for five years and which I left al­most 18 months ago.

Noth­ing hap­pened be­tween us when I worked with him but we got on like a house on fire.

We worked very closely and very well to­gether, re­ally en­joyed each other’s com­pany and had the abil­ity to talk about ab­so­lutely any­thing.

Af­ter I left we seemed to get even closer al­though my at­trac­tion to him was a huge con­tribut­ing fac­tor as to why I left — I wanted to get away from him be­cause I was afraid of how I felt.

We started an af­fair al­most 12 months ago and I just can’t seem to be able to stay away from him. It’s like I’m ad­dicted to him. He’s al­ways on my mind, I’m al­ways dy­ing to see and talk to him and he feels the same.

I do love him but I don’t want him to leave his wife. I don’t want to cause any more risks or lies or po­ten­tial heartbreak. I just want the strength to stay away from him.

I know what we are do­ing is ter­ri­bly wrong and I am sure when karma comes knock­ing on my door it won’t be pretty.

Last week we saw each other ev­ery day. We know each other’s fam­i­lies and have lots of friends in com­mon from when we worked to­gether, and I’m get­ting scared at how rou­tine all our ly­ing and de­cep­tion has be­come.

The sit­u­a­tion is nearly mak­ing me de­pressed. I know I’m not happy and I only have my­self to blame 100pc, but I just need some­one (I have lots of great friends but ob­vi­ously they don’t know the truth) to help me out of this mess be­fore there’s any more heartache.

AI dis­agree with you that you are to­tally to blame for all this. This man is ob­vi­ously older than you and the one who is mar­ried with a fam­ily so he is ev­ery bit as much to blame as you are.

You are re­ally very young to be go­ing through all this heartache. I’m sure it is all very ex­cit­ing at one level and you seem to truly love him but ul­ti­mately it is not mak­ing you happy.

Apart from this man’s fam­ily there is some­body else who is not ben­e­fit­ing from your af­fair and that is your own child.

As long as you con­tinue see­ing him then you are en­sur­ing that your son or daugh­ter is not hav­ing a sig­nif­i­cant male pres­ence in their life, apart from your own fam­ily.

Also you are de­priv­ing your­self of a healthy lov­ing re­la­tion­ship where you can take plea­sure in in­tro­duc­ing a male friend to your fam­ily and friends, go out and about to­gether and do all the things that a lov­ing cou­ple can do with­out any need for se­crecy and de­ceit.

You did the ab­so­lute right thing by chang­ing your job but then fell at the next fence and started the af­fair.

I re­alise it is dif­fi­cult to stop but un­less he leaves his wife and chil­dren for you, which you don’t want, then this is on a road to nowhere.

The longer it keeps go­ing the more dif­fi­cult it will be for you to stop it and you will have to be the one to or­ches­trate the end­ing be­cause he won’t.

He has it all in a way — his home life, his wife and chil­dren and then there is you as the ic­ing on the cake.

Tell him it is over and then try to get away for even a few days to be­gin the break. In this time there should be no con­tact what­so­ever with him.

Then take it one day at a time, telling your­self that you are not go­ing to call or text him for that day. Keep a jour­nal to record your thoughts — you will be amazed by what you write when you look back on it in a few years.

I’m not say­ing it will be easy for you but ev­ery week it will get a lit­tle bit eas­ier un­til even­tu­ally the heartache will sub­side.

At the same time you will have to find some­thing else to re­place the ex­cite­ment that the af­fair gen­er­ates in you, so this would be the time to take up a new hobby or sport — some­thing you’ve al­ways wanted to do but haven’t had the time or have been too afraid to do.

This should serve to at least pro­vide some di­ver­sion for you in the com­ing months.

I’m sorry there is no quick and easy so­lu­tion but you are right to seek change right now.

You will ul­ti­mately be glad that you did. You can con­tact Mary O’conor anony­mously by vis­it­ing www.dear­mary.ie or email her at dear­mary@in­de­pen­dent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Tal­bot St, Dublin 1. All cor­re­spon­dence will be treated in con­fi­dence. Mary O’conor re­grets that she is un­able to an­swer any ques­tions pri­vately

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