Una puts on ‘F**k you’ leathers and mus­cles in with a big new beau

MIL­LEN­NIAL DIARY

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - - People - CIARA O’CONNOR

IF Una Healy doesn’t write the book How to break up fab­u­lously: 10 steps to mak­ing your no-good ex wish he was never born, I’ll be forced to pen the un­of­fi­cial ver­sion, us­ing only her In­sta­gram and my imag­i­na­tion.

A head­line last week de­scribed her ‘ad­mit­ting’ to be­ing ‘an­other year wiser’ as she cel­e­brated her birth­day — and oh, what wis­dom she has to im­part. Be­cause Una Healy is the pope of scorned women.

My heart has never been fuller, nor my belly so afire, as when I saw her “washthat-man-right-out-of-my hair” blonde trans­for­ma­tion in Au­gust. It was po­etry. And last week when pho­tos emerged of her hand in hand with the world’s most un­rea­son­ably huge and good-look­ing man, well... I could have wept.

Una was pho­tographed with male model Ken­neth ‘KP’ Guidroz in Mal­ibu — hairog­ra­phy on point and the un­mis­tak­able whis­per of a smirk play­ing on her lips.

Not since Sandy stamped out her cig­a­rette in Danny Zuko’s face has head-to-toe black leather more art­fully ex­pressed “F**k you”.

Una sep­a­rated from Ben Fo­den in July, amid al­le­ga­tions of in­fi­delity on his side. Since then, she has pro­vided a mas­ter­class in how to han­dle pub­lic break-ups. She has been re­strained in her com­ments, pre­sum­ably for the sake of their two chil­dren.

She has not called ‘Me Too’. But her hair, her leather, her enor­mous new beau who looks like he could crush Fo­den with a sin­gle thumb, her re­lent­lessly hot and happy In­sta­gram feed and re­fo­cus­ing on her ca­reer — it speaks vol­umes.

Ev­ery woman should be stick­ing her Mal­ibu pho­tos on their vi­sion board as a timely re­minder to be more Una. Ben’s the only vic­tim here. Tell me about it, stud.

******* In­deed, we should be con­cen­trat­ing on the real vic­tims of 2018: the moth­ers and aun­ties of Ir­ish mil­len­ni­als. On be­half of all of us, I’d like to apol­o­gise to them for the news that Coast has col­lapsed into ad­min­is­tra­tion.

We didn’t want this, but we know it’s ul­ti­mately our fault. With our vin­tage non­sense and ASOS and Pretty Lit­tle Thing dis­count codes from Love Is­land con­tes­tants, we let Coast keep its €300 so-nearly fash­ion­able-but-just-not quite dresses.

Sure, we popped in when we were des­per­ate, try­ing on a few bits a cou­ple of days be­fore a wed­ding be­fore ul­ti­mately de­cid­ing that the risk of match­ing the brides­maids was too great. We took Coast for granted.

As if an­ni­hi­lat­ing Orla Kiely wasn’t enough, we thought we’d re­ally screw over our aun­ties al­to­gether and leave their go-to spot for a sen­si­ble guna that was also “a bit of fun” to die. We’re sorry. But if it’s any con­so­la­tion, our plas­tic-free, ve­gan wed­dings will all have a “what­ever you’re com­fort­able in” dress-code, so you won’t be need­ing it.

******* It was a con­flict­ing week for mil­len­ni­als, with World Men­tal Health Day fol­low­ing hot on the heels of our favourite af­ford­able skin­care com­pany’s CEO hav­ing a very pub­lic break­down.

Men­tal Health Day saw us all up­dat­ing our Face­books and Insta sto­ries urg­ing our friends and fol­low­ers to “reach out” and “talk to some­one” if they’re not feel­ing great, but when Bran­don Tru­axe “reached out” to De­ciem’s 373,000 In­sta­gram fol­low­ers with an in­co­her­ent mono­logue an­nounc­ing the im­me­di­ate clo­sure of the com­pany — a cry for help if ever I saw one — we all wished he’d shut up and keep it to him­self.

You see, if there’s one thing we mil­len­ni­als are more pre­cious about than our men­tal health, it’s our skin. Skin­care has en­joyed a re­nais­sance in re­cent years that no one could have seen com­ing, we’re all on highly tai­lored 10-step Korean regimes to en­sure our con­stant emo­tional tur­moil never shows on our t-zone.

De­ciem is the par­ent com­pany of The Or­di­nary, a brand which is closer to the hearts of mil­len­ni­als than Al­pro. And last week, due to the er­ratic be­hav­iour of CEO Tru­axe, The Or­di­nary shops around the world have been forced to close their doors — prompt­ing le­gal ac­tion from mi­nor­ity share­holder Es­tee Lauder.

The Or­di­nary cap­tured our imag­i­na­tion with their cal­cu­lat­edly low-key brand­ing, its prod­ucts that look re­as­sur­ingly sci­en­tific in glass bot­tles with pipettes and its im­pen­e­tra­bly named serums and acids: ‘Gran­ac­tive Retinoid 2% Emul­sion’, ‘Ma­rine Hyaluron­ics’, ‘Buf­fet + Cop­per pep­tides 1%’.

What does it all mean? Why does it feel so gritty and hor­ri­ble? Is it sup­posed to burn? Who knows! But it’s got to be good, right?

I was one of thou­sands of pan­icked, smooth-faced, 28-year-old would-be chemists who went on a blind spend­ing spree when faced with the deeply wor­ry­ing pub­lic melt­down of Tru­axe. Our late­cap­i­tal­ism an­i­mal in­stincts kicked in, and in­stead of reach­ing out and let­ting him know we were there for him like good lit­tle mil­len­ni­als, we stocked up on his cheap prod­ucts in case he made good on his threat to close the whole op­er­a­tion.

I’ll be med­i­tat­ing on my shame dur­ing the 10 min­utes it takes for my AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peel­ing So­lu­tion mask to work.

******* Model Thalia Hef­fer­nan has spo­ken about how her ve­g­an­ism has earned her more abuse than her choice

of ca­reer. Pre­sum­ably Thalia had been braced for ha­tred on the ba­sis of her ex­quis­ite bone struc­ture, what with her hav­ing the luck to be born in a coun­try where we kind of mis­trust that kind of beauty.

But Thalia — we can for­give you. Just like we for­give Jen­nifer Lawrence for her hot­ness, be­cause she fre­quently talks about all the cheese­burg­ers she eats.

What we can’t for­give is the fact that you pub­licly ad­mit to liv­ing on av­o­cado and quinoa and other tire­somely vir­tu­ous fare. It re­minds us that we could look a bit more like you, if only we could leave off the ched­dar for a while.

Ef­fort­less health and beauty is fine, but when you talk about your ve­g­an­ism with your beau­ti­ful, ve­gan-clear skin (do you even use Ascor­byl Te­tra is opal mi tate So­lu­tion 20% in Vi­ta­min F?) on your beau­ti­ful, ve­gan-honed body — yes, it makes us hate you and your self-con­trol.

But don’t worry, Thalia, we hate our­selves much, much more.

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