I flew back into America tonight after a holiday, not entirely sure if I would be allowed back in after the petition to have me thrown out soared to over 100,000 signatures. But as I nervously approached the immigration counter at Newark airport, feeling like that drug-runner in Midnight Express, a burly armed policeman spied me, smirked broadly and said: ‘Relax, Mr Morgan, we’re not going to deport you.’
Which was just as well, since there’s now a second petition, launched by a Briton and formally lodged on the relevant White House website, to demand I stay in the United States. It expressed the entirely logical explanation: ‘Nobody wants him back in the UK, and it will be funny to see how angry loads of Americans get.’ popped out of their sockets. ‘HOW MANY GREAT WHITE SHARKS KILL PEOPLE EVERY YEAR BUT THEY’RE SCARED TO SWIM!!!??????’ I persisted. ‘Let’s try again: how many gun murders were there in Britain last year?’
‘HOW MANY CHIMPANZEES CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN!!!!??????’ We went to a commercial break, and my producer chuckled in my ear.‘You okay down there?’ I nodded, as Jones continued to shout and scream at me, even though we were off air. ‘If this carries on,’ added my producer, ‘we’ll have to cut him off — he’s making no sense and refusing to answer your questions.’
I shook my head vigorously — our secret code sign for ‘don’t end this under any circumstances’. I realised that Jones’ extraordinary behaviour was turning into a more powerful advocate for gun control than anything I could possibly say.
I eventually wrapped it up after he informed me that George W Bush had deliberately caused 9/11, then suggested we settle things next time in a boxing ring: ‘ I’ll wear red, white and blue; you wear your Jolly Rogers!’ Backstage, Jones continued to harangue my staff in an unhinged, explosive manner until he was led away into the streets of Manhattan by CNN security. He owns 50 guns — a discomfiting thought. President Obama has decided I can stay in America, recognising that I’m within my 1st Amendment (freedom of speech) constitutional rights — not that it makes any difference, but I’m a legal US resident — to have an opinion on the Bill of Rights. In a formal response to my deportation petition, the White House said: ‘No one should be punished by the government simply because he expressed a view on the 2nd Amendment.’ America’s most famous TV medic, Dr Oz, gave me a physical for a health show tonight, and concluded: ‘Your blood pressure’s too high.’ After the week I’ve had, no s***, Sherlock! President Obama today announced dramatic gun control plans, including a ban on assault weapons and high- capacity bullet magazines, universal background checks for all gun buyers, and increased funding into mental health. The three main things that I’ve been campaigning for since the horror of Sandy Hook. For all the vitriol that’s been poured on my ‘limeyass’ head by the likes of Alex Jones, this will go some way to stem the country’s gun carnage. And contrary to what some think, that’s been my only goal. Far from being ‘anti-American’, I’m actually so fond of them, I want more of them to stay alive.