comedy material from stand-up. Here’s a smatter: ‘First off, I’d just like to do a shout-out to Lidl for the dresses. I went in the other day for cheese, toilet roll and some beans, and came out with this dress, a couple of kayaks and a strimmer. I love that shop — never know what you’re going to come out with. I totally forgot about the food.’
‘... I heard Gok Wan saying the mini is a glamorous way to show off endless leg. Yeah, I thought, given some women I’ve seen in minis, you need to clarify you mean up and down, not side to side.’
‘... I’d like to also do a shout- out to Tesco for the support pants I’m wearing. Any woman in
I’m not talking about cancer this year but I’m afraid they’ll say, ‘Oh dear, she was far funnier talking about tumours’
here this afternoon thinking, ‘Support pants, not very sexy,’ let me tell you — in my dictionary there is only one word for a man having to spend 45 minutes trying to peel a pair of triple-elasticated flab-packer pants off you at night, and that’s foreplay. And only one word if he falls asleep in the process, and that’s “contraception”. Unfortunately there’s only one word for the man in my life at the moment, and that’s non-existent.’
‘… My favourite type of man is the older man. My mother was always trying to put me off them when I was younger. The first guy I went out with, she said to me, “Look, Anne, it’s all right now when you’re 22, but when you’re 42, he’ll be 112.”’ ‘... It’s awful pressure with Christmas coming up, what with all the booze and food. I’m on the stairmaster 24/ 7 three days a week at the moment. I’ve weight issues: I only have to look at a mince pie and I pile it on. Then I get so depressed, I have to eat it. Why do we women put ourselves under this pressure to be slim? Think about it: there is absolutely telling you you have to be a certain weight… except for your GP, your best friend, everyone down at the motivation clinic, the book club, your oncologist...’
You get the general gist. It’s all about clothes, shopping, men, relationships, weight issues. Given I can’t talk about the topic of cancer, that’s the sort female common bond I’ve come up with. Oh, I’d love to be doing clever, hilarious stuff about — I don’t know — Hillary Clinton running for next President of the US; feminism in this modern age of the nudie pop stars; whether Twink is actually Derek Davis (have you ever seen both of them together?) and why Sharon Ní Bheoláin, with her penchant for black leather, always looks to me as if she’s dressed to star in a Matrix reboot.
Instead it looks as if I’ll be basically saying that all I think about is men, men, men, and weight loss, plus I appreciate a good frock, if it’s cheap. But I’m only on those riffs because I think it’s what ‘Everywoman’ will ‘get’. But every woman there might think, ‘God, how patronising, is that all you think we think about?’ Ah the ol’ pitfall of trying to be funny: everyone might hate you — deal with it.
Meanwhile I meet comedian chum Sonya Kelly, just back from performing in New York. She tells me all the newer comics she saw there were doing material about apps. Apps! At least I’m keeping it human. She’d just finished a day’s shoot on Dave McSavage’s fourth series of Savage Eye. It’s back on TV next February — I’ll end on that happy comedy note. Now, back to the rads speech…