ANNE GILDEA

The Irish Mail on Sunday - TV Week - - REAL LIFE - Anne.gildea@mailon­sun­day.ie

com­edy ma­te­rial from stand-up. Here’s a smat­ter: ‘First off, I’d just like to do a shout-out to Lidl for the dresses. I went in the other day for cheese, toi­let roll and some beans, and came out with this dress, a cou­ple of kayaks and a strim­mer. I love that shop — never know what you’re go­ing to come out with. I to­tally for­got about the food.’

‘... I heard Gok Wan say­ing the mini is a glam­orous way to show off end­less leg. Yeah, I thought, given some women I’ve seen in minis, you need to clar­ify you mean up and down, not side to side.’

‘... I’d like to also do a shout- out to Tesco for the sup­port pants I’m wear­ing. Any woman in

I’m not talk­ing about can­cer this year but I’m afraid they’ll say, ‘Oh dear, she was far fun­nier talk­ing about tu­mours’

here this af­ter­noon think­ing, ‘Sup­port pants, not very sexy,’ let me tell you — in my dic­tionary there is only one word for a man hav­ing to spend 45 min­utes try­ing to peel a pair of triple-elas­ti­cated flab-packer pants off you at night, and that’s fore­play. And only one word if he falls asleep in the process, and that’s “con­tra­cep­tion”. Un­for­tu­nately there’s only one word for the man in my life at the mo­ment, and that’s non-ex­is­tent.’

‘… My favourite type of man is the older man. My mother was al­ways try­ing to put me off them when I was younger. The first guy I went out with, she said to me, “Look, Anne, it’s all right now when you’re 22, but when you’re 42, he’ll be 112.”’ ‘... It’s aw­ful pres­sure with Christ­mas com­ing up, what with all the booze and food. I’m on the stair­mas­ter 24/ 7 three days a week at the mo­ment. I’ve weight is­sues: I only have to look at a mince pie and I pile it on. Then I get so de­pressed, I have to eat it. Why do we women put our­selves un­der this pres­sure to be slim? Think about it: there is ab­so­lutely telling you you have to be a cer­tain weight… ex­cept for your GP, your best friend, ev­ery­one down at the mo­ti­va­tion clinic, the book club, your on­col­o­gist...’

You get the gen­eral gist. It’s all about clothes, shop­ping, men, re­la­tion­ships, weight is­sues. Given I can’t talk about the topic of can­cer, that’s the sort fe­male com­mon bond I’ve come up with. Oh, I’d love to be do­ing clever, hi­lar­i­ous stuff about — I don’t know — Hil­lary Clin­ton run­ning for next Pres­i­dent of the US; fem­i­nism in this mod­ern age of the nudie pop stars; whether Twink is ac­tu­ally Derek Davis (have you ever seen both of them to­gether?) and why Sharon Ní Bhe­oláin, with her pen­chant for black leather, al­ways looks to me as if she’s dressed to star in a Ma­trix re­boot.

In­stead it looks as if I’ll be ba­si­cally say­ing that all I think about is men, men, men, and weight loss, plus I ap­pre­ci­ate a good frock, if it’s cheap. But I’m only on those riffs be­cause I think it’s what ‘Ev­ery­woman’ will ‘get’. But ev­ery woman there might think, ‘God, how pa­tro­n­is­ing, is that all you think we think about?’ Ah the ol’ pit­fall of try­ing to be funny: ev­ery­one might hate you — deal with it.

Mean­while I meet co­me­dian chum Sonya Kelly, just back from per­form­ing in New York. She tells me all the newer comics she saw there were do­ing ma­te­rial about apps. Apps! At least I’m keep­ing it hu­man. She’d just fin­ished a day’s shoot on Dave McSav­age’s fourth se­ries of Sav­age Eye. It’s back on TV next Fe­bru­ary — I’ll end on that happy com­edy note. Now, back to the rads speech…

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