I pulled way more chicks before I was Bond. He ruined my sex life for a while. It was terrible
Pompous, cynical, whining – is Piers talking about himself again?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30
Jeremy Paxman has quit Newsnight, and as endless insincere sycophants queue up to pay tribute to this supposedly ‘fearless grand inquisitor’,
I prefer to be more honest in my appraisal. Paxman’s been a whining, cynical, pompous, bored and boring scab on the televisual landscape for years. An ever more ludicrous parody of a once undeniably skilled political interviewer.
He’s also, as I discovered when he deliberately, and disingenuously, tried to land me in it during the Leveson Inquiry, a curiously poisonous, backstabbing little weasel.
THURSDAY, MAY 1
In a tumultuous 24 hours for TV presenters called Jeremy, my old foe Clarkson has been caught using the N-word during Top Gear filming.
He typically lied when confronted with the revelation, insisting he’d never say the N-word. Then he issued one of the world’s most pitiful, grovelling video apologies after the BBC ordered him to fess up or lose his job.
Clarkson’s now apparently on a ‘final warning’ and isn’t allowed to offend anyone ever again.
Which, given that his only act is offending people like hard-working nurses and train suicide victims, or spewing casual racism, means he’ll be gone by Christmas.
I’ll keep the Dom Perignon on ice.
FRIDAY, MAY 2
I attended a sumptuous Jaguar car par ty appropriately ent it led A Villainous Affair, on the roof of The London hotel in West Hollywood.
And I was introduced to George Lazenby, who replaced Sean Connery to play James Bond in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Now 74, Australian Lazenby is a strappingly fit 6ft 2in bear of a man with giant hands and the ruggedly handsome chiselled features that landed him the role.
He memorably refused to make a second Bond film after falling out with the producers, growing a beard and long hair, and declaring: ‘Bond is a brute! I will never play him again – peace is the message now!’
During a most entertaining chat, Lazenby admitted: ‘I was offered a for tune to do more, but I was persuaded the future was making spaghetti wester ns like Clint Eastwood, not wearing suits and short cropped hair looking like a f****** waiter! It was all around the time of the Vietnam War. I became a dumb hippy and made some ridiculous decisions. I even refused to go and see President Nixon at the White House.’
For years, Lazenby’s Bond was used as an example of the dangers in fol lowing a legend, a phenomenon known as the ‘ David Moyes’ factor, and something I had personal experience of when I took over from Larry King at CNN.
But recently, many Bond fans have grown to view OHMSS as one of the best of the Bond movie franchise.
Lazenby insisted though: ‘Sean Connery WAS James Bond. The rest of us were just imposters.’
‘ Must have been good for attracting the ladies though, George?’ I suggested.
‘No mate, it was terrible!’ he scoffed. ‘I pulled way more chicks before I was Bond. He ruined my sex life for a while! Once you’re 007, everything changes. Women put you on this pedestal, makes it much harder to get laid!’
He roared with laughter. And methinks he was slightly exaggerating his problems. Lazenby is renowned as one of the greatest sexual swordsmen in Hollywood history.
SATURDAY, MAY 3
One of the worst things about Twitter is it logs every prediction or assertion in perpetuity. Thus enabling you to be regula rly hoist by your own intemperate petard. For example, 18 months ago, I described Arsenal player Aaron Ramsey as a ‘complete and utter liability’, and angrily berated Arsene Wenger for offering him a new contract.
To be fair, at the time he was indeed a complete and utter liability.
But this season, like a football equivalent of Lazarus, he’s been our best player.
And I have been mercilessly mocked for having the visionary skills of a blind platypus.
Today, Ramsey was asked by The Guardian what he thought of my previous comments. He paused, and then, with ‘a smile and twinkle in his eye’, replied: ‘Who’s Piers Morgan?’ If only he’d tackled opponents like that in 2013…
SUNDAY, MAY 4
I’ve never played cricket in LA, until today.
As the finale to BritWeek, a ‘ Hol lywood Ashes’ was organised between actors and entertainment types from England and Australia. Lazenby played for the Aussies, and batted like he played Bond – attempting, and failing, to smash every ball into a nearby field. ‘You haven’t swung like that since the Si xt ies!’ mocked one of our team.
‘Oh yes I f****** have!’ roared George. When I went out to bat, I was greeted by so much sledging (or ‘verbal mental disintegration’ as Shane Warne calls it) I thought I’d wandered into a Texas branch meeting of the National Rifle Association.
A burly character called Brett Tucker, who stars in Mistresses, positioned himself a few feet from me. ‘C’mon mate,’ he pleaded, ‘just plop one straight in my f****** hands like you want to!’
Three balls later, I duly plopped the ball straight in his f****** hands. Cue wild celebrations only marginally less muted than when Australia regained the real Ashes last winter. We lost the match, and the Hollywood Ashes.
Lazenby, aka 007 himself James Bond