Piers wins some praise on the golf course from Kiefer Sutherland
TUESDAY, APRIL 29
One of the smartest showbusiness people I’ve interviewed is Seth MacFarlane – the genius behind small- and big- screen hits such as Family Guy and Ted. Today he announced a new TV comedy called Blunt Talk, based on a character called Walter Blunt, played by Patrick Stewart.
The press release read: ‘Blunt is a British import intent on conquering the world of American cable news. Through the platform of his nightly show, Blunt is a borderline alcoholic, mad-genius Brit on a mission to impart his wisdom on how Americans should live, think and behave. The series follows Blunt’s well intentioned but misguided decision-making. Besieged by network bosses, a dysfunctional news staff, numerous ex-wives and children, Blunt’s only supporter is the alcoholic manservant he brought with him from the UK.’ I’m obviously outraged. I don’t have an alcoholic manservant.
THURSDAY, MAY 1
Played golf with a couple of actors in LA today, and halfway through, one of them took a phone call. ‘Kiefer!’
I only know one ‘Kiefer’. In fact, I think there IS only one ‘Kiefer’. And he’s currently starring in a new series of the brilliant drama 24. My friend walked off, chatted for a few minutes on the side of the fairway, then returned. ‘That was Kiefer…’ ‘So I gathered.’ ‘I told him I was playing with you, and he asked me to tell you that he’s really sorry about the CNN thing, and that he thinks your gun campaigning has been brave and heroic, and he truly admires you for it.’
My chest spontaneously puffed up, and I drilled a 7-iron straight on to the green. When Jack Bauer’s got your back, everything seems OK again.
SATURDAY, MAY 3
It was the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner in Washington tonight. A lavish affair attended by the President and America’s finest political, media and celebrity figures.
‘I was the second human being Thierry followed on Twitter. It was the greatest moment of my life’
An acerbic US comedian called Joel McHale made the keynote speech, which traditionally lampoons half the people in the room, to their intense discomfort. And McHale managed to be even more discomforting than his predecessors. Even I wasn’t spared.
Halfway through, he declared: ‘At this point, CNN is like the Radio Shack in a sad strip mall. You don’t know how it stayed in business this long, you don’t know anybody who shops there and they just fired Piers Morgan.’
At which point both Barack and Michelle Obama’s faces creased into uncontrollable laughter.
It’s a strange experience seeing the most powerful couple in the world cheerfully chortling over one’s professional demise. But the more I thought about it, the more pleased I felt.
Just need the Pope and the Queen caught on camera guffawing over my departure from the airways, and I’ll be the most famous sackee in TV history.
SUNDAY, MAY 11
My phone rang. ‘’Allo, it’s Thierry.’
Very few things over-excite me in life, but the dulcet French tones of Arsenal legend Thierry Henry always get my torso tingling almost as fervently as his goals once did.
‘ I’m joining Twitter,’ he announced. ‘It’s time.’
I was stunned, as Thierry’s always insisted he’d never tweet. ‘I changed my mind,’ he said. ‘I can see it’s a good way to correct all the ridiculous stuff said about me. And to say what I want about a few people.’
‘Be prepared for a lot of abuse…’ I warned. ‘I can handle it,’ he chuckled. ‘I played at Spurs a few times.’
I was the second human being Thierry ‘followed’ once his account went live tonight, after another former Arsenal great, Cesc Fabregas. He even followed me before he followed the official Arsenal account.
Short of the four times I’ve heard the words, ‘You have a new baby boy/girl, Mr Morgan,’ and however pathetic it may sound to non-football fans, it was possibly the greatest moment of my life. You’d have to be a die- hard Gooner to understand why.
MONDAY, MAY 12
Four years ago, a young punk-haired ‘hip-hop violinist’ called Lindsey Stirling reached the quarter-finals of America’s Got Talent. She was a crazy performer, charging all over the stage – to the detriment of her violin playing.
‘ There were times,’ I pronounced, ‘when it sounded to me like a bunch of rats being strangled.’ It remains one of the most withering judging verdicts I administered in my Got Talent career. And a tearful Lindsey was duly booted off the show by the American voting public.
Today, the same Ms Stirling rocketed to No. 2 on the Billboard chart with her new album, cementing her status as a superstar. Asked by CBS about our encounter, she admitted: ‘It was so hurtful to be crushed in such a negative way. But I ended up using it as motivation. “I’m gonna prove Piers Morgan wrong!” ’
Asked if we’d been in touch since, Lindsey shook her head and replied: ‘No, I’m a little sad his CNN show got cancelled because I always wanted to be a guest on it.’ Then she paused, and smirked: ‘Actually, inside I’m a little happy it got cancelled.’
Ironically, as I heard these words, I involuntarily made a high-pitched squealing noise not dissimilar to a rat being strangled.
Newbie: Footballer Thierry Henry has finally joined Twitter