The Irish Mail on Sunday - TV Week - - RADIO WEEK -

I at­tended a splen­didly glam­orous wed­ding at Hamp­ton Court Palace to­day for sports pre­sen­ter Ge­orgie Thomp­son and Olympic sail­ing supremo Ben Ainslie.

One of their f r iends ar r ived re­splen­dently dressed as Henry VIII, a man not noted for his ad­her­ence to tra­di­tional vows.

But any awk­ward­ness cre­ated by the pres­ence of the world’s great­est wife- slayer in his old lair was sup­planted by the groom’s three-minute fail­ure to get his ring on his fin­ger.

Even­tu­ally, he suc­ceeded – to a rous­ing, ex­tremely re­lieved ova­tion.

‘ I’ve got sailor’s knuck­les,’ he ex­plained in his speech.

Later, I found my­self walk­ing into the fab­u­lous Great Hall for din­ner with Princess Eu­ge­nie.

‘I know what you’re think­ing,’ I told her, as we both soaked in the spec­tac­u­lar sil­ver ser­vice vista stretch­ing back 100 yards. ‘What am I think­ing, Piers?’ ‘This is like break­fast with Granny.’ siasm. ‘What is your big­gest broad­cast­ing re­gret?’ I asked.

He thought for a few seconds, then replied: ‘When Gazza got booked in the 1990 World Cup semi-fi­nal, rul­ing him out of the fi­nal. It was such a huge mo­ment, but I didn’t say any­thing mem­o­rable about it and I wish I had.’ ‘What do you wish you’d said?’ ‘Wow… well, prob­a­bly some­thing like “Paul Gas­coigne’s in tears, and back home in Eng­land, tens of mil­lions of peo­ple are cry­ing with him.” ’ It’s the best line that never was. I asked Motty who HE thought was the great­est ever sport­ing com­men­ta­tor. ‘Oh, Peter O’Sull­e­van def­i­nitely. He was so bril­liantly pre­pared, yet made it all seem so ef­fort­less. I only have to iden­tify hu­man be­ings, he had to do it with horses.’

As I left, Motty added: ‘I love your col­umn by the way.’

‘Thanks, you’ll re­ally love the next one then...’ ‘Why?’ ‘ Be­cause you’ll be in it.’ Motty roared with laugh­ter. ‘If I’m go­ing to be in it, can I ask you a se­ri­ous ques­tion?’ ‘Sure.’ ‘ Why, if we’re a coun­try of free speech, is ev­ery­one now so po­lit­i­cally cor­rect?’

‘Katie Hop­kins thinks I have

a crush on her? On a scale of prob­a­bil­ity, this is up there with my de­sire to em­i­grate to Ice­land

with Heather Mills’

The least funny, most bit­terly mis­er­able celebri­ties in real life tend to be co­me­di­ans.

One lead­ing ex­am­ple is Alan Davies, who shot to star­dom with his Jonathan Creek character be­fore, iron­i­cally, he washed up in pro­fes­sional S**t Creek.

In an in­ter­view for Ra­dio Times pub­lished to­day, he said: ‘There is no one more de­testable in life than Piers Mor­gan.’ I was cu­ri­ous as to what moral plinth Mr Davies was re­sid­ing on to make such a judg­ment.

Per­haps it was be­cause he once dis­grace­fully mocked the peo­ple of Liver­pool for their mourn­ing of the Hills­bor­ough dis­as­ter?

Or was it con­nected to the night when he bit a home­less man out­side a club? Ei­ther way, I wish Mr Davies’s fam­ily a Happy New Year. I sus­pect they could all do with a good laugh.

Katie Hop­kins, the pre­pos­ter­ously toxic waste of oxy­gen, an­nounced that she thinks I have ‘a crush’ on her. On the scale of prob­a­bil­ity, this is right up there with me har­bour­ing a se­cret de­sire to em­i­grate to an Ice­landic igloo with Heather Mills.

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