I attended a splendidly glamorous wedding at Hampton Court Palace today for sports presenter Georgie Thompson and Olympic sailing supremo Ben Ainslie.
One of their f r iends ar r ived resplendently dressed as Henry VIII, a man not noted for his adherence to traditional vows.
But any awkwardness created by the presence of the world’s greatest wife- slayer in his old lair was supplanted by the groom’s three-minute failure to get his ring on his finger.
Eventually, he succeeded – to a rousing, extremely relieved ovation.
‘ I’ve got sailor’s knuckles,’ he explained in his speech.
Later, I found myself walking into the fabulous Great Hall for dinner with Princess Eugenie.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ I told her, as we both soaked in the spectacular silver service vista stretching back 100 yards. ‘What am I thinking, Piers?’ ‘This is like breakfast with Granny.’ siasm. ‘What is your biggest broadcasting regret?’ I asked.
He thought for a few seconds, then replied: ‘When Gazza got booked in the 1990 World Cup semi-final, ruling him out of the final. It was such a huge moment, but I didn’t say anything memorable about it and I wish I had.’ ‘What do you wish you’d said?’ ‘Wow… well, probably something like “Paul Gascoigne’s in tears, and back home in England, tens of millions of people are crying with him.” ’ It’s the best line that never was. I asked Motty who HE thought was the greatest ever sporting commentator. ‘Oh, Peter O’Sullevan definitely. He was so brilliantly prepared, yet made it all seem so effortless. I only have to identify human beings, he had to do it with horses.’
As I left, Motty added: ‘I love your column by the way.’
‘Thanks, you’ll really love the next one then...’ ‘Why?’ ‘ Because you’ll be in it.’ Motty roared with laughter. ‘If I’m going to be in it, can I ask you a serious question?’ ‘Sure.’ ‘ Why, if we’re a country of free speech, is everyone now so politically correct?’
‘Katie Hopkins thinks I have
a crush on her? On a scale of probability, this is up there with my desire to emigrate to Iceland
with Heather Mills’
The least funny, most bitterly miserable celebrities in real life tend to be comedians.
One leading example is Alan Davies, who shot to stardom with his Jonathan Creek character before, ironically, he washed up in professional S**t Creek.
In an interview for Radio Times published today, he said: ‘There is no one more detestable in life than Piers Morgan.’ I was curious as to what moral plinth Mr Davies was residing on to make such a judgment.
Perhaps it was because he once disgracefully mocked the people of Liverpool for their mourning of the Hillsborough disaster?
Or was it connected to the night when he bit a homeless man outside a club? Either way, I wish Mr Davies’s family a Happy New Year. I suspect they could all do with a good laugh.
Katie Hopkins, the preposterously toxic waste of oxygen, announced that she thinks I have ‘a crush’ on her. On the scale of probability, this is right up there with me harbouring a secret desire to emigrate to an Icelandic igloo with Heather Mills.