PIERS MORGAN: JIBES, JOKES AND INSULTS OF 2016
JIBES, JOKES, INSULTS – AND MY MOST JAW-DROPPING ENCOUNTERS OF 2016
Most hurtful soap opera joke at my expense
Erica Holroyd was quizzing Anna Windass in the Coronation Street corner shop about her aesthetically challenged new boyfriend.
‘On a scale of one to ten,’ prodded Erica, ‘Ten being George Clooney, one being Piers Morgan?’
‘I’d give him three,’ replied Anna.
Most sickening amusement at my death
I was gunned down in the shock dénouement of Ant And Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway thriller, ‘Who Shot Simon Cowell?’
‘This is the greatest day of my life,’ chortled Cowell as I lay on the floor. ‘Witnessing the death of Piers Morgan!’
Least tempting challenge
Amid all the fulsome tributes to Muhammad Ali, I tweeted: ‘I hope people don’t make me sound too perfect when I die. No coats of sugar please.’
‘You could always test us?’ suggested singer John Legend.
Second least tempting challenge
In an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim said: ‘Piers Morgan wrote a full blog about why don’t I try to be successful with my clothes on? I’m like, why don’t YOU try to be successful with your clothes OFF?’
Most sickening moment
One Direction star Niall Horan paid £10,000 at a charity auction to have me caddy for him during a round of golf, in a Tottenham Hotspur jersey.
‘I’m not wearing that shirt,’ I told him at the bar later.
‘Yes you f***ing are!’ he chirped delightedly. ‘It’s for CHARITY.’
Self-defeating campaign of the year
After I criticised Susan Sarandon for wearing a revealing outfit to deliver an In Memoriam awards section, women bombarded me on Twitter with photos of their cleavage. ‘I love the solidarity of all the gals who came forward,’ Sarandon said, ‘but I think they all sent Piers lots of pictures of their breasts, so he must be happy too, right?’
Cruelty to animals award
Janet Street-Porter told Loose Women viewers: ‘I’d sooner kiss a Gloucester spotted pig than Piers Morgan.’
Those poor little porkers.
Most withering put-down
Jimmy Carr thought I should now run for political office.
‘It’s your time, Piers,’ he said. ‘How can you possibly do any worse than the current shower?’
‘I’m not arrogant, pompous or self-interested enough to be an MP,’ I said.
‘I’d say you’re perfectly qualified,’ he replied.
The lady doth protest too much
‘There’s an intense sexual chemistry between you two,’ Alan Carr cackled when Susanna Reid and I went on his show. ‘Susanna, how much alcohol would you need to drink to have sex with Piers?’ ‘You haven’t got enough alcohol for that to ever happen,’ she replied.
Biggest on-air clanger
I asked Line Of Duty star Will Mellor: ‘Will you be returning for another series?’ ‘I don’t want to give anything away,’ he replied. My youngest brother Rupert texted me to explain Will’s coyness: ‘His character was hanged in this series, so he’s unlikely to be making a comeback…’
Most horrifying mistaken identity
A female worker at Luton airport shrieked with excitement when she saw me. ‘OH MY GOD !!!!! ’ she shouted repeatedly. ‘THIS IS AMAZING!’ It was a deeply pleasing moment.
Then she screamed to a friend on the other side of the concourse, ‘QUICK! COME OVER! IT’S ONLY JEREMY BLOODY CLARKSON!’
Quote of the year
‘Listen, my husband might be a dirty dog but he’s my dirty dog’ – Sharon Osbourne.
Most deluded cretins in the world
The NRA, America’s revolting gun lobby group, gave me a ‘Bullitzer Prize’ (geddit?) for being a ‘tiresome, freedomfearing, anti-gun zealot’.
‘People have been wanting to kill me for 30 years,’ I told Robbie Williams.
‘True,’ he nodded. ‘Well, if anyone succeeds, I’ll sing Angels at your funeral.’
Best excuse for staying single
‘I see Western friends with one wife, then two wives, then third wife,’ the Dalai Lama told me.
‘When I see marriage, I see the preparation for divorce!’
Most self-aware speech
‘I am the drinking woman’s George Clooney,’ quipped Jimmy Nesbitt at the GQ Awards, ‘if he had an Irish dentist and an entirely different set of life values.’
Unintended ironic statement of the year
‘Fashion is as dull as f***ing ditchwater!’ – Elton John.
Worst US election prediction
‘Trump has no chance of becoming president’ – Alan Sugar, every time I spoke to him.
This beat Sugar’s own previous best in 2005: ‘Next Christmas, the iPod will be dead, kaput.’
Apple only went on to sell another 400 million iPods.
Worst campaign strategy
Madonna posted a nude photograph of herself to persuade Americans to back Clinton. ‘I’m voting naked!’ she wrote, excitedly. ‘Vote Hillary!’ I’m fairly sure this swung it for Trump.
Best back-handed compliment
When I asked Ed Balls to cite an inspiration for his very unique style on Strictly Come Dancing, pictured top, he replied: ‘I think in my mind’s eye I asked: “How would Piers Morgan dance?” and I try to emulate that.’ I wish you all an extremely happy New Year.
Clockwise: Kim Kardashian; Susan Sarandon, Elton John and David Furnish; the Dalai Lama and Piers