PIERS MOR­GAN: JIBES, JOKES AND IN­SULTS OF 2016

JIBES, JOKES, IN­SULTS – AND MY MOST JAW-DROP­PING EN­COUN­TERS OF 2016

The Irish Mail on Sunday - TV Week - - FRONT PAGE -

Most hurt­ful soap opera joke at my ex­pense

Erica Hol­royd was quizzing Anna Win­dass in the Corona­tion Street cor­ner shop about her aes­thet­i­cally chal­lenged new boyfriend.

‘On a scale of one to ten,’ prod­ded Erica, ‘Ten be­ing Ge­orge Clooney, one be­ing Piers Mor­gan?’

‘I’d give him three,’ replied Anna.

Most sick­en­ing amuse­ment at my death

I was gunned down in the shock dé­noue­ment of Ant And Dec’s Satur­day Night Take­away thriller, ‘Who Shot Si­mon Cow­ell?’

‘This is the great­est day of my life,’ chor­tled Cow­ell as I lay on the floor. ‘Wit­ness­ing the death of Piers Mor­gan!’

Least tempt­ing chal­lenge

Amid all the ful­some tributes to Muham­mad Ali, I tweeted: ‘I hope peo­ple don’t make me sound too per­fect when I die. No coats of sugar please.’

‘You could al­ways test us?’ sug­gested singer John Le­gend.

Sec­ond least tempt­ing chal­lenge

In an episode of Keep­ing Up With The Kardashians, Kim said: ‘Piers Mor­gan wrote a full blog about why don’t I try to be suc­cess­ful with my clothes on? I’m like, why don’t YOU try to be suc­cess­ful with your clothes OFF?’

Most sick­en­ing mo­ment

One Di­rec­tion star Niall Ho­ran paid £10,000 at a char­ity auc­tion to have me caddy for him dur­ing a round of golf, in a Tot­ten­ham Hot­spur jersey.

‘I’m not wear­ing that shirt,’ I told him at the bar later.

‘Yes you f***ing are!’ he chirped de­light­edly. ‘It’s for CHAR­ITY.’

Self-de­feat­ing cam­paign of the year

Af­ter I crit­i­cised Su­san Saran­don for wear­ing a re­veal­ing out­fit to de­liver an In Memo­riam awards sec­tion, women bom­barded me on Twit­ter with pho­tos of their cleav­age. ‘I love the sol­i­dar­ity of all the gals who came for­ward,’ Saran­don said, ‘but I think they all sent Piers lots of pic­tures of their breasts, so he must be happy too, right?’

Cor­rect.

Cru­elty to an­i­mals award

Janet Street-Porter told Loose Women view­ers: ‘I’d sooner kiss a Glouces­ter spot­ted pig than Piers Mor­gan.’

Those poor lit­tle pork­ers.

Most with­er­ing put-down

Jimmy Carr thought I should now run for po­lit­i­cal of­fice.

‘It’s your time, Piers,’ he said. ‘How can you pos­si­bly do any worse than the cur­rent shower?’

‘I’m not ar­ro­gant, pompous or self-in­ter­ested enough to be an MP,’ I said.

‘I’d say you’re per­fectly qual­i­fied,’ he replied.

The lady doth protest too much

‘There’s an in­tense sex­ual chem­istry be­tween you two,’ Alan Carr cackled when Su­sanna Reid and I went on his show. ‘Su­sanna, how much al­co­hol would you need to drink to have sex with Piers?’ ‘You haven’t got enough al­co­hol for that to ever hap­pen,’ she replied.

Big­gest on-air clanger

I asked Line Of Duty star Will Mel­lor: ‘Will you be re­turn­ing for an­other se­ries?’ ‘I don’t want to give any­thing away,’ he replied. My youngest brother Ru­pert texted me to ex­plain Will’s coy­ness: ‘His char­ac­ter was hanged in this se­ries, so he’s un­likely to be mak­ing a comeback…’

Most horrifying mis­taken iden­tity

A fe­male worker at Lu­ton air­port shrieked with ex­cite­ment when she saw me. ‘OH MY GOD !!!!! ’ she shouted re­peat­edly. ‘THIS IS AMAZ­ING!’ It was a deeply pleas­ing mo­ment.

Then she screamed to a friend on the other side of the con­course, ‘QUICK! COME OVER! IT’S ONLY JEREMY BLOODY CLARK­SON!’

Quote of the year

‘Lis­ten, my hus­band might be a dirty dog but he’s my dirty dog’ – Sharon Os­bourne.

Most de­luded cretins in the world

The NRA, Amer­ica’s re­volt­ing gun lobby group, gave me a ‘Bul­litzer Prize’ (ged­dit?) for be­ing a ‘tire­some, free­dom­fear­ing, anti-gun zealot’.

Kin­d­est of­fer

‘Peo­ple have been want­ing to kill me for 30 years,’ I told Rob­bie Wil­liams.

‘True,’ he nod­ded. ‘Well, if any­one suc­ceeds, I’ll sing An­gels at your fu­neral.’

Best ex­cuse for stay­ing sin­gle

‘I see West­ern friends with one wife, then two wives, then third wife,’ the Dalai Lama told me.

‘When I see mar­riage, I see the prepa­ra­tion for divorce!’

Most self-aware speech

‘I am the drink­ing wo­man’s Ge­orge Clooney,’ quipped Jimmy Nes­bitt at the GQ Awards, ‘if he had an Ir­ish den­tist and an en­tirely dif­fer­ent set of life val­ues.’

Un­in­tended ironic state­ment of the year

‘Fash­ion is as dull as f***ing ditch­wa­ter!’ – El­ton John.

Worst US elec­tion pre­dic­tion

‘Trump has no chance of be­com­ing pres­i­dent’ – Alan Sugar, every time I spoke to him.

This beat Sugar’s own pre­vi­ous best in 2005: ‘Next Christ­mas, the iPod will be dead, ka­put.’

Ap­ple only went on to sell an­other 400 mil­lion iPods.

Worst cam­paign strat­egy

Madonna posted a nude pho­to­graph of her­self to per­suade Amer­i­cans to back Clin­ton. ‘I’m vot­ing naked!’ she wrote, ex­cit­edly. ‘Vote Hil­lary!’ I’m fairly sure this swung it for Trump.

Best back-handed com­pli­ment

When I asked Ed Balls to cite an in­spi­ra­tion for his very unique style on Strictly Come Danc­ing, pic­tured top, he replied: ‘I think in my mind’s eye I asked: “How would Piers Mor­gan dance?” and I try to em­u­late that.’ I wish you all an ex­tremely happy New Year.

Clock­wise: Kim Kar­dashian; Su­san Saran­don, El­ton John and David Furnish; the Dalai Lama and Piers

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