PIERS MORGAN: DELICIOUSLY INDISCREET
MY LIFE AND OTHER CELEBRITIES
MONDAY, JANUARY 2
I’ve spent the week in Marrakech, a beautiful place where the wonderfully hospitable people – 99 per cent of the city’s population is Muslim – dispelled any notion that those murderously medieval, Islam-twisting beasts of IS represent them any more than they represent me. Today, the pro tennis coach at my hotel revealed that he teaches the world’s best footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo, when he visits three times a year. This revelation spurred me into playing frantically competitively
‘Come on then,’ I gasped as we finished, ‘who’s better – me or Cristiano?’ ‘You!’ the coach grinned. ‘Seriously?’ ‘Seriously. And I will tell him that to his face next time he comes. Cristiano needs to know that Piers Morgan is a better tennis player than him!’ Yes, he does.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 3
A new study has found that the average person will spend 41 minutes of each day, or one year and eight months of their entire lives, in a bad mood.
And apparently, Donald Trump and I are partly to blame for this shocking statistic.
He was 24th and I was 50th on a list of the biggest mood-crushers, led by a bad night’s sleep, technology problems, arguments with partners, poor manners and rude staff.
I mentioned this to my Good Morning Britain co-host Susanna Reid on our first day back at work today and she was not entirely surprised. In fact, she’s been compiling a hand-written list of her own, citing all the things I repeatedly do, or bang on about, that most annoy her.
So far, it reads: ‘Arsene Wenger, inappropriate jokes, pen-flicking, Madonna, Kim Kardashian’s naked selfies, interrupting, Donald Trump, stopping me speaking, being caught on air using his phone, humming during news bulletins, Kevin Pietersen, non-stop tweeting, alluding to ‘our relationship’ when there isn’t one, Honey G, criticising everything the Beckhams do, putting on terrible accents, Lord Sugar, shameless name-dropping, running over time with interviews.’
I’d say that given we’ve now spent more than 300 hours sitting six inches apart from each other, this list is so small it borders on the miraculous.My wife’s, by comparison, runs longer than the Chilcot Inquiry.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 5
‘Whenever you’re fed up with life,’ tweeted Ricky Gervais today, ‘just remember that you will be dead soon and forgotten for ever, and you won’t even know it. Hope that helps.’
‘I intend to stay alive for ever, just to annoy everyone,’ I replied.
‘Relax,’ he responded. ‘If there’s one person who can annoy everyone after they’re dead...’
SUNDAY, JANUARY 8
David Walliams recently hosted the Royal Variety Performance and laid into me with haughty enthusiasm.
‘This occasion is all about helping those in show business who’ve fallen on hard times,’ he said. ‘Just £50 will give Simon Cowell the Botox he desperately needs. He hasn’t had any since two o’clock this afternoon! And £200 would pay for a life-changing operation to remove Piers Morgan’s tongue from Donald Trump’s bum.’ Hmm.
Given the gut-wrenchingly sycophantic a**e-licking Walliams regularly displays towards Mr Cowell from my old chair on Britain’s Got Talent, this struck me as a particularly ironic joke.
As for those in show business who’ve fallen on hard times, it emerged today that Walliams has been signed up to be one of the Voice Trumpets on Teletubbies.I fear no amount of money can save him from this ignominy.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 10
Since I joined GMB 14 months ago, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has resolutely refused to come on the sofa.
We’ve tried everything, even resorting to repeatedly interviewing a cushion with his face on it. (To its credit, the cushion has been considerably more consistent than Mr Corbyn, and is probably more electable.)
But today he finally caved and came in for a 20-minute live studio chat.
Corbyn is a mystifying political figure in that he commands huge party membership support but is loathed by most of his own MPs. Corbyn’s manner is curious for a leader, too. He’s very diffident in person, almost painfully shy. This has led to many in Westminster doubting he has the ambition to run the country, not least because he has always operated as an opposition force, even within his own party.
‘Do you actually want to be Prime Minister?’ I asked, bluntly.
‘I want to be in government,’ he replied – an answer that will surely only raise further suspicions about his No 10 aspirations.
We’re both passionate Arsenal fans, so I presented him with his own shirt, sporting ‘Corbyn, 10’ on the back.
‘You may never actually get to No 10,’ I said, ‘but at least you now have the shirt.’
After the interview finished, Corbyn posed for a photo with the shirt, then said: ‘I actually gave Barack Obama one of these when he was over in London.’ ‘An Arsenal shirt?’ ‘Yes, he loved it.’ ‘Really? Did he even know what Arsenal is?’
‘Absolutely. He told me he follows British football very closely.’
‘Did he have an opinion about the future of our manager Arsene Wenger?’
‘I didn’t ask. You’re wrong about Wenger. He should stay.’
‘You would say that,’ I replied. ‘He’s another Islington-based leader clinging desperately on to power and proving impossible to unseat.’
Corbyn laughed, or it could have been a grimace.
‘The average person spends 41 minutes every day in a bad mood and it’s all my fault’