PIERS MORGAN: DELICIOUSLY INDISCREET
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1
Another day, another ‘Piers Morgan In Sexism Outrage’ headline across social media. My battle with the more rabid, PC-crazed elements of the feminist movement has grown increasingly febrile. The current charge sheet reads:
Mocking Kim Kardashian for posting bird-flipping topless selfies in the absurd pretence of ‘liberating women’.
Suggesting Susan Sarandon shouldn’t have worn a low-cut, cleavage-busting outfit to present an In Memoriam tribute at an awards ceremony.
Criticising the women’s march, which was supposed to be about gender equality but turned into an anti-Trump political rally led by Madonna screaming she dreams of blowing up the White House.
Pondering if it’s always unreasonable for an employer to request female staff wear heels as part of a uniform, just as my (female) bosses request that I wear a suit, tie and make-up for Good Morning Britain.
Accusing Emma Watson of hypocrisy for posing topless in Vanity Fair after saying she felt ‘conflicted’ by Beyoncé flashing the flesh while claiming to be a feminist.
My latest ‘crime’ was stating on GMB today that I don’t like women boxing – although I enjoy watching men fight.
I just find it really uncomfortable watching women punching each other in the head, particularly at a time when violence against women is the number one issue most feminists rightly protest about.
Wildlife expert Steve Backshall said my stance made me ‘a little bit sexist’ and Twitter blew up with less considered responses.
Ironically, it was Olympic gold medal boxer Nicola Adams, another guest on the show, who defended me. ‘I’m not the biggest fan of curling,’ she said. ‘For me, it’s not fun to watch. I guess for you, you just don’t like women boxing. I don’t think you’re sexist.’
THURSDAY, MARCH 2
Jaguar Land Rover threw a lavish, star-studded party at the Design Museum in Kensington to launch the new Range Rover Velar.
The first celebrity I bumped into was Jimmy ‘tax free’ Carr, who, as I wrote last week, recently quipped on 8 Out Of 10 Cats: ‘A cockroach can hold its breath for 40 minutes, which explains why nobody has drowned Piers Morgan.’ ‘Cockroach?’ I said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Nothing personal,’ he replied. We discussed the comedic potential of all the recent global political upheaval.
‘Trump’s a gift from the comedy gods, obviously,’ he said. ‘But Brexit is still too raw, it divides an audience. British people really aren’t ready to laugh about it.’ ‘What about Tony Blair’s comeback?’ ‘He’s… the Phil Collins of politics,’ said Carr, grimacing.
Rob Brydon joined us. I’ve liked the Welsh comedian since we sat together at a GQ Christmas party and in a deliberate effort to enrage the world, he tweeted: ‘Am with Piers Morgan at lunch. What a nice man.’
‘You’re not going to put me in your diary, are you?’ he said, panic in his voice. ‘Only to say I like you,’ I replied. His face fell. ‘Don’t for God’s sake tell anyone I am your only friend in showbiz,’ he pleaded. Clare Balding arrived. ‘Ah, Mr Morgan,’ she announced in her sternest matron voice, ‘I’m one of the only women in the world who’ll still talk to you.’
‘A slight exaggeration, Ms Balding,’ I said. ‘Look,’ she continued, ‘I really like you on Good Morning Britain, and your relationship with Susanna is great…’ There was a ‘but’ coming, I could feel it. ‘… I specifically tuned in to watch you after Brexit and Trump’s win, because I really value your opinions…’ It was definitely coming. ‘But…’ I laughed. Here we go… ‘A word of caution from a friend: you don’t want to be the new John McCririck.’
Her words hung in the air like a particularly malodorous stink-bomb. ‘WHAT?’ ‘You heard.’ ‘Who’s John McCririck?’ asked my wife. ‘He’s a racing commentator,’ I answered. ‘Great character but also the world’s biggest sexist pig. He even calls his wife The Booby.’ I turned back to Clare, a brilliant broadcaster, who replaced McCririck. ‘Why is it sexist to say I don’t like women punching each other?’ ‘Do you like watching men do it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Then you’re sexist.’
FRIDAY, MARCH 3
David Walliams ended his disastrous hosting stint on ITV’s new Nightly Show with diabolical ratings and the most savage reviews seen in TV history. On Tuesday’s show, he discussed the passenger tickets to space being offered for £28 million.
‘If everyone put £1 in, we could buy Piers Morgan a one-way ticket to the Moon,’ he chortled, unveiling a giant Just Giving page.
‘I’m just hearing we’ve had our first donation,’ he gasped, theatrically. ‘JK Rowling has given £28 million!’
Sadly, it might now be poor Dave who needs a one-way ticket to space – to find a new planet where the inhabitants might actually find him funny.
TUESDAY, MARCH 7
Two weeks ago, I withdrew from presenting the Royal Television Society Programme Awards after a frenzied campaign to ban me, because I disagree with the view that Trump is the new Hitler and ‘failed to understand a social movement that values equality and diversity’.
Today, the RTS announced my replacement is to be feminist comedian Sandi Toksvig, a lesbian, atheist and humanist who founded the Women’s Equality Party, led the UK Women’s March and once described the Conservative party as ‘putting the “n” into cuts’. Fair to say Ms Toksvig ticks all the acceptable PC boxes!