PIERS MOR­GAN: DELICIOUSLY INDISCREET

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WED­NES­DAY, MARCH 1

An­other day, an­other ‘Piers Mor­gan In Sex­ism Ou­trage’ head­line across so­cial me­dia. My bat­tle with the more ra­bid, PC-crazed el­e­ments of the fem­i­nist move­ment has grown in­creas­ingly febrile. The cur­rent charge sheet reads:

Mock­ing Kim Kar­dashian for post­ing bird-flip­ping top­less self­ies in the ab­surd pre­tence of ‘lib­er­at­ing women’.

Sug­gest­ing Su­san Saran­don shouldn’t have worn a low-cut, cleav­age-bust­ing out­fit to present an In Memo­riam trib­ute at an awards cer­e­mony.

Crit­i­cis­ing the women’s march, which was sup­posed to be about gen­der equal­ity but turned into an anti-Trump po­lit­i­cal rally led by Madonna scream­ing she dreams of blow­ing up the White House.

Pon­der­ing if it’s al­ways un­rea­son­able for an em­ployer to re­quest fe­male staff wear heels as part of a uni­form, just as my (fe­male) bosses re­quest that I wear a suit, tie and make-up for Good Morn­ing Bri­tain.

Ac­cus­ing Emma Wat­son of hypocrisy for pos­ing top­less in Van­ity Fair after say­ing she felt ‘con­flicted’ by Bey­oncé flash­ing the flesh while claim­ing to be a fem­i­nist.

My lat­est ‘crime’ was stat­ing on GMB to­day that I don’t like women box­ing – al­though I en­joy watch­ing men fight.

I just find it re­ally un­com­fort­able watch­ing women punch­ing each other in the head, par­tic­u­larly at a time when vi­o­lence against women is the num­ber one is­sue most fem­i­nists rightly protest about.

Wildlife ex­pert Steve Back­shall said my stance made me ‘a lit­tle bit sex­ist’ and Twit­ter blew up with less con­sid­ered re­sponses.

Iron­i­cally, it was Olympic gold medal boxer Ni­cola Adams, an­other guest on the show, who de­fended me. ‘I’m not the big­gest fan of curl­ing,’ she said. ‘For me, it’s not fun to watch. I guess for you, you just don’t like women box­ing. I don’t think you’re sex­ist.’

THURS­DAY, MARCH 2

Jaguar Land Rover threw a lav­ish, star-stud­ded party at the De­sign Mu­seum in Kens­ing­ton to launch the new Range Rover Ve­lar.

The first celebrity I bumped into was Jimmy ‘tax free’ Carr, who, as I wrote last week, re­cently quipped on 8 Out Of 10 Cats: ‘A cock­roach can hold its breath for 40 min­utes, which ex­plains why no­body has drowned Piers Mor­gan.’ ‘Cock­roach?’ I said, rais­ing an eye­brow. ‘Noth­ing per­sonal,’ he replied. We dis­cussed the comedic po­ten­tial of all the re­cent global po­lit­i­cal up­heaval.

‘Trump’s a gift from the com­edy gods, ob­vi­ously,’ he said. ‘But Brexit is still too raw, it di­vides an au­di­ence. Bri­tish peo­ple re­ally aren’t ready to laugh about it.’ ‘What about Tony Blair’s come­back?’ ‘He’s… the Phil Collins of pol­i­tics,’ said Carr, gri­mac­ing.

Rob Bry­don joined us. I’ve liked the Welsh co­me­dian since we sat to­gether at a GQ Christ­mas party and in a de­lib­er­ate ef­fort to en­rage the world, he tweeted: ‘Am with Piers Mor­gan at lunch. What a nice man.’

‘You’re not go­ing to put me in your di­ary, are you?’ he said, panic in his voice. ‘Only to say I like you,’ I replied. His face fell. ‘Don’t for God’s sake tell any­one I am your only friend in showbiz,’ he pleaded. Clare Bald­ing ar­rived. ‘Ah, Mr Mor­gan,’ she an­nounced in her sternest ma­tron voice, ‘I’m one of the only women in the world who’ll still talk to you.’

‘A slight ex­ag­ger­a­tion, Ms Bald­ing,’ I said. ‘Look,’ she con­tin­ued, ‘I re­ally like you on Good Morn­ing Bri­tain, and your re­la­tion­ship with Su­sanna is great…’ There was a ‘but’ com­ing, I could feel it. ‘… I specif­i­cally tuned in to watch you after Brexit and Trump’s win, be­cause I re­ally value your opin­ions…’ It was def­i­nitely com­ing. ‘But…’ I laughed. Here we go… ‘A word of cau­tion from a friend: you don’t want to be the new John McCrir­ick.’

Her words hung in the air like a par­tic­u­larly mal­odor­ous stink-bomb. ‘WHAT?’ ‘You heard.’ ‘Who’s John McCrir­ick?’ asked my wife. ‘He’s a rac­ing com­men­ta­tor,’ I an­swered. ‘Great char­ac­ter but also the world’s big­gest sex­ist pig. He even calls his wife The Booby.’ I turned back to Clare, a bril­liant broad­caster, who re­placed McCrir­ick. ‘Why is it sex­ist to say I don’t like women punch­ing each other?’ ‘Do you like watch­ing men do it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Then you’re sex­ist.’

FRI­DAY, MARCH 3

David Wal­liams ended his dis­as­trous host­ing stint on ITV’s new Nightly Show with di­a­bol­i­cal rat­ings and the most savage re­views seen in TV his­tory. On Tues­day’s show, he dis­cussed the pas­sen­ger tick­ets to space be­ing of­fered for £28 mil­lion.

‘If ev­ery­one put £1 in, we could buy Piers Mor­gan a one-way ticket to the Moon,’ he chor­tled, un­veil­ing a gi­ant Just Giv­ing page.

‘I’m just hear­ing we’ve had our first do­na­tion,’ he gasped, the­atri­cally. ‘JK Rowl­ing has given £28 mil­lion!’

Sadly, it might now be poor Dave who needs a one-way ticket to space – to find a new planet where the in­hab­i­tants might ac­tu­ally find him funny.

TUES­DAY, MARCH 7

Two weeks ago, I with­drew from pre­sent­ing the Royal Tele­vi­sion So­ci­ety Pro­gramme Awards after a fren­zied cam­paign to ban me, be­cause I dis­agree with the view that Trump is the new Hitler and ‘failed to un­der­stand a so­cial move­ment that val­ues equal­ity and di­ver­sity’.

To­day, the RTS an­nounced my re­place­ment is to be fem­i­nist co­me­dian Sandi Toksvig, a les­bian, athe­ist and hu­man­ist who founded the Women’s Equal­ity Party, led the UK Women’s March and once de­scribed the Con­ser­va­tive party as ‘putting the “n” into cuts’. Fair to say Ms Toksvig ticks all the ac­cept­able PC boxes!

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