‘Poor old Russell Brand has resurfaced and is reduced to using ME to sell himself’
MONDAY, MARCH 6
Susanna Reid, my Good Morning Britain co-host, took part in the filming of Comic Relief’s Love Actually mini-sequel yesterday.
She was recruited to be part of a press conference involving Hugh Grant reprising his role as David, the Prime Minister.
‘How did it go?’ I asked when she arrived at work today.
‘Great!’ she replied. ‘All the stars were there, including the lovely Hugh.’
Susanna calls him that because a) she genuinely loves him and b) she knows I can’t stand him. (My feud with Hugh goes back to 1995 when he got caught with that hooker on Sunset Boulevard and the News Of The World, for whom I was editor at the time, bought her story…) ‘Did you get to ask any questions?’ ‘Erm… no,’ she replied. ‘Why not?’ ‘Well, I pulled out in the end.’ ‘Really? Why?’ ‘There was a joke Hugh did about you that I didn’t like so I asked not to be sitting there as he said it and everyone laughed at you.’
Susanna told me the line, and it’s so unbelievably offensive, even I had to laugh. It’s safe to say, assuming Grant’s jibe makes the final edit, I’ll be a global laughing stock within seconds of him uttering it on Friday night.
It’s also safe to say I have the most loyal on-screen partner imaginable; one prepared to forego her own moment of mini-movie glory with her favourite dreamboat actor for the sake of her polarising, annoying, thoroughly deserving-of-ridicule TV husband.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8
Navigating my way through International Women’s Day was always going to be a precarious challenge after all the recent ‘PIERS MORGAN’S A SEXIST!’ storms.
Things didn’t start well when my GMB colleague Charlotte Hawkins said the solution to my misery over Arsenal’s 1-5 defeat to Bayern Munich was never to watch them again.
‘Don’t support football!’ she said. ‘Stop tormenting yourself!’
‘This is the problem on IWD,’ I sighed, ‘women say very silly things.’
Charlotte and Susanna gasped in mutual horror. ‘I think I have to get the gag out again, Piers…’ said the latter, who infamously silenced me with a tie in my mouth at the National Television Awards.
‘I thought you’d never offer,’ I chuckled, to more tuts and raised eyebrows.
Redemption came later as we grilled Polish MEP Janusz Korwin-Mikke, who thinks women should be paid less than men because they are ‘weaker, smaller and less intelligent’.
As this absurd old dinosaur droned on, I finally hushed him with his own illogical logic. ‘How can it be possible that women are less intelligent than men when you say such stupid things, you horrendous sexist pig?’
Our special IWD guests were Annie Lennox and Helen Pankhurst, great-granddaughter of Suffragette heroine Emmeline.
Annie shared my view about feminism being let down by the likes of Kim Kardashian posting topless selfies, and Madonna hijacking the Washington Women’s March by screaming about burning down the White House. ‘That’s not my kind of feminism,’ Annie said.
We then had a calm, rational discussion about what feminism really is, and all concluded there is no simple answer but, as with the debates over President Trump and Brexit, hateful hysteria is pointlessly self-defeating.
‘I heard you say earlier you describe yourself as a feminist,’ Annie told me, ‘and I thought “Wow” because I don’t think you’d have done that a few years ago.’
She’s right, I wouldn’t. But I absolutely believe in full gender equality.
‘I think it’s important you bring men with you,’ I said, ‘but the debate has to be less hostile to men for that to happen.’
‘I agree,’ said Annie. Then she asked if I would attend a future Women’s March.
‘Yes, if it celebrates women. I’ll even speak at one.’ ‘That would be amazing!’ she exclaimed. It certainly would. Anyone got a spare p***y hat?
FRIDAY, MARCH 10
Russell ‘Che Guevara’ Brand slithered into obscurity after launching a global political revolution that nobody on the planet had any interest in joining. Now he’s re-emerged to fire off more of his insufferably pompous internet sermons.
Last week he laid into me for having a perfectly fair GMB conversation with Lindsay Lohan about her possible conversion to Islam. Today, he attacked me for challenging Emma Watson over her hypocrisy over nudity.
At the end of both videos he shamelessly flogged his new tour and urged people to subscribe to his podcast. Poor old Russell is reduced to using ME to sell himself.
I fear no amount of his beloved Kundalini yoga, transcendental meditation or vegan flapjacks will ease the pain this must inevitably cause him.
SATURDAY, MARCH 11
‘Sir’ Bradley Wiggins continues to deny being a drug cheat despite evidence to the contrary mounting higher than one of the steep climbs he stormed up to win the Tour de France.
An LA doctor recently prescribed me – for a sinus infection – a similar type of corticosteroid to the one ‘Sir’ Bradley used for his supposed acute asthma.
Mine was in pill form, and substantially less potent than the amount ‘Sir’ Bradley had injected directly into his muscles.
Within a few hours I felt increasingly twitchy and excitable. That night I slept horrendously. My wife later informed me I had spent eight hours frenziedly kicking her with both legs.
Not the kind of performance enhancement she was perhaps looking for, but enough for me to doubt ‘Sir’ Bradley’s innocence even more.