PIERS MORGAN: DELICIOUSLY INDISCREET
‘Cher smelled like a mermaid,’ said Gregg Allman. ‘I’ll never forget it’
TUESDAY, MAY 23
Lily Allen and Charlotte Church seem to be in permanent competition for the crown of Britain’s Most Politically Naive and Irritating Pop Singer.
Today, in response to my suggestion, following the Manchester terror attack, that decent, law-abiding Muslims should do more to root out radicalised members of their communities, Ms Church tweeted: ‘By your logic, men should do more to root out rapists. Doesn’t really work like that does it?’
I stared at these breathtakingly stupid words for several long seconds, and decided there was simply no point trying to debate with somebody this dim.
‘I can’t deal with your level of absurd, virtue-signalling ignorance today,’ I replied, ‘sorry.’
Then Ms Allen piped up: ‘Please ignore Piers, he thrives on hate. Don’t engage.’
This from an insufferably hate-spewing creature who was, ironically, both failing to ignore me and engaging with me, and who doesn’t seem to understand it’s perfectly possible to hate Islamist terrorists, but not hate all Muslims. ‘Pipe down, you ridiculous PCcrazed, attention-seeking, hate-stirring, deluded clown,’ I retorted.
No offence to either lady – obviously! – but if they put as much energy into their music as they do into demonically abusing anyone who disagrees with their opinions, their careers might not now be languishing one step away from munching kangaroo testicles on I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!
SATURDAY, MAY 27
No man more voraciously embraced rock ’n’ roll’s sex, drugs and partying excessively lifestyle than Gregg Allman, talisman leader of The Allman Brothers Band, who died today.
‘If I fell over dead today,’ he told me when I interviewed him for CNN in 2011, ‘I’ve had me a blast, I wouldn’t trade my life for nobody’s.’
Then he paused and chuckled. ‘But I don’t know if I’d go through it all again!’
He broke the news in our chat that he was getting married for the seventh time, to a stunning 24-year-old blonde sitting in the audience. Allman’s third wife was Cher. In his autobiography, he’d written: ‘Cher smelled like a mermaid. I’ve never smelled it since and I’ll never forget it.’
So I asked what struck me as the obvious supplementary question: ‘Have you ever actually smelled a mermaid?’
He smirked. ‘That would be a scoop, right?’
‘How would you like to be remembered?’ I asked. ‘As somebody who could rock your soul or make you cry with a song, and somebody who’s kind, loved to laugh and loved his God.’ RIP Gregg Allman, a legend on and off stage.
MONDAY, JUNE 5
James Corden has brought his US chat show to London for the week. By coincidence, a new survey in America revealed I’m the ‘most-Google-searched talk show host’ in nine states: Washington, Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Virginia, Connecticut, Florida, Nevada and Massachusetts. So in a fifth of America, I beat the likes of Oprah, Ellen, Jerry Springer and to my joy, one Mr Corden. This, despite me leaving CNN three years ago. I gleefully tweeted him a link to the survey. ‘Oh, Piers, that’s adorable,’ he replied. ‘So happy for you! I remember when you used to send me stuff like this… AGES ago!’
He enclosed a screenshot of an old tweet of mine from 2011 when I passed his follower count on Twitter. ‘Sorry, James, but I’m now officially more popular than you,’ I’d gloated, adding the hashtag: #taxiforjimbo.
Well, ‘Jimbo’ now has nearly twice as many followers as me (9m to 5.8m), and as for taxis, I understand his preferred mode of travel in LA is a €250,000 Aston Martin Vanquish.
TUESDAY, JUNE 6
Another day, another Twitter troll offering his succinct thoughts on my general inadequacy.
‘You’re an a**hole,’ said a gentleman from Texas, which had not been on the list of US states who still love me. ‘Always have been and always will be an a**hole. A bloated, blabbering loose-lip snooty a**hole.’
I checked his profile and it disclosed that my fan is a psychiatrist. ‘Thanks Doc,’ I replied, ‘any negatives?’ To which Ricky Gervais responded: ‘I love the fact that, because you’re not his patient, he didn’t have to keep his diagnosis confidential.’
FRIDAY, JUNE 9
Susanna Reid and I hosted an extended postelection Good Morning Britain special, which was a wildly exciting affair given all the hung Parliament chaos that erupted overnight in the UK.
Nigel Farage sat down at the desk for an interview just as my regular 7.30am plate of toast and Marmite arrived.
‘Marmite?’ he chuckled. ‘Of course! You were always going to be a Marmite-eater weren’t you, Piers… hahaha… being such a Marmite character!’
I looked at the single most divisive, opinion-splitting character in modern British politics and replied: ‘Yes, Nigel. Fancy a slice?’
As always with elections, the most fun came in seeing a few big beasts in the Westminster jungle losing their seats. It’s the purest, most brutal embodiment of real democracy.
Last week, Susanna asked me who I’d most like to see get their come-uppance. ‘Nick Clegg,’ I replied, unhesitatingly. The fork-tongued former Liberal Democrat leader and I have locked horns for years, culminating in him furiously branding me ‘pompous’ on GMB last month when I dared to remind him about his disgraceful U-turn over tuition fees.
Well, in the early hours of this morning, Clegg duly lost his seat.
Voters, it transpired, were as unforgiving of his cynical lies as me.
‘You live by the sword, you die by the sword,’ he conceded.
Which is about the only truthful thing he’s ever said.