‘I sug­gest we get two hot young stars with hot young bods and makeit into a mur­der mys­tery’

AWAKE Di­rected by Joby Harold. Star­ring Hay­den Christensen, Jes­sica Alba, Lena Olin, Ter­rence Howard, Steven Hinkle, Jen­nifer Ped­er­sen

The Irish Times - Friday - The Ticket - - Filmreviews - DON­ALD CLARKE

84 min

15A cert, gen re­lease, IT’S brunchtime in the Golden Lan­gous­tine and two ex­ec­u­tives – one se­nior, one ju­nior – have se­cured a ta­ble over­look­ing Rodeo Drive.

“So, I read this ar­ti­cle that says ev­ery year peo­ple all over the world wake up while un­der gen­eral anaes­thetic,” Hi­ram Big­wig says. “Imag­ine that. They wake up un­der anaes­thetic. They’re still paral­ysed, though.”

“How many peo­ple? Isn’t this just some sta­tis­ti­cally in­signif­i­cant anom­aly?”

“How many? What does that mat­ter? This is one hell of an idea for a movie.”

My­ron Lick­spit­tle pon­ders. The hero spends the en­tire pic­ture ly­ing paral­ysed on an op­er­at­ing ta­ble? It sounds like a ter­ri­ble idea for a film.

“It does sound like a great idea for a film,” My­ron says.

“So I sug­gest we get two hot young stars with hot young bods – Jes­sica Alba and Hay­den Christensen sound about right – and we make it into a mur­der mys­tery . . . ”

As Hi­ram drones on, My­ron con­sid­ers this hor­ri­ble prospect. Hay­den Christensen, the fa­mously co­matose star of Re­venge of the Sith, un­der heavy se­da­tion? The joke just writes it­self for film crit­ics. And let’s not start on the chron­i­cally un­der­whelm­ing Alba.

“ . . . and then, when Christensen wakes up, he has a sort of out-of-body ex­pe­ri­ence and is able to walk around the hospi­tal and dis­cover facts about the plot to kill him.”

My­ron strug­gles to avoid fur­row­ing his brow. So the hero can prowl about in the sec­ond act? But, hang on. You ei­ther make a film about some­body wak­ing up on the op­er­at­ing ta­ble or you don’t. If he’s able to walk about, then you may as well aban­don the cen­tral premise. It makes no sense what­so­ever.

“It makes per­fect sense,” My­ron purrs.

“Yeah I know. I know! And we’ll get some new guy to di­rect it and we’ll tell him to make it look all cool blue and . . . ”

The id­io­cies con­tinue to mount up. My­ron Lick­spit­tle smiles as he imag­ines him­self, one year hence, sit­ting con­tent­edly in the boss’s seat.

Are you jok­ing? co­matose Christensen and un­der­whelm­ing Alba

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