Harry’s a wrong ’un; Ron Weasley’s a cad – nobody hates a Potter character like a Potter fan. Tara Brady grabs her poison pen
TWIHARDS have Teams Jacob and Edward, but the Potterverse is far more fractured and torn by allegiances and teen crushes. Just as vast tracts of broadband are given over to the imagined soft-porn couplings of Potter-inspired fan fiction, an equally passionate minority spend their time rounding on perceived Hogwarts rivals. Those in favour of a Hermione and Harry hook-up have major ideological issues with those who don’t. Others dismiss any reading that doesn’t see Harry and Draco’s stand-offs as a bit Top Gun. A vocal faction dismisses Ginny Weasley as a vile usurper. Many missives have been exchanged. Many firewars have started. Nobody hates a Harry Potter character quite like a Harry Potter fan. Huge shrines list and bemoan how JK Rowling “got it wrong from the beginning” with “my beloved Snape/Neville/Tom Riddle”. Here, we honour these hot-headed net-trolls with a tribute to insider conflicts. earth does Hermione see in that oaf? Probably smells of milk. Ginger. Bossy, joyless, stroppy muggle. Always scolding. Derides Ron as “an insensitive wart” and for having the “emotional range of a teaspoon”. Dismisses Quidditch as a “source of bad feeling between the Houses”. A total swot, her priorities run thus: “We could have all been killed or worse expelled; now if you don’t mind I’m going to bed.” Slaps Draco for a remark about Hagrid and has to be restained from further violence. Snape is right: she is “an insufferable know-it-all”. Also, when actor Emma Watson flashed her no-no bits two years ago, it corrupted our young, impressionable minds. A simpering stalker girl who swipes dearest Harry from under the nose of Cho Chang, Hermione and Luna. A “tramp” who dates other men before Harry, she’s completely unworthy of him and finds definition in the first two letters of Hogwarts. She’s the one who got mixed up with the interactive dairy, so it’s her fault Sirius is dead. Murderer! Books six and seven are ruined by JK Rowling telling us that Ginny is now a stone fox. You can’t develop a minor character into Harry’s love interest; you just can’t. Plays a long game: “I never really gave up on you. Hermione told me to get on with life, maybe go out with some other people . . . And she thought you might take a bit more notice if I was a bit more myself.” Yes. Be yourself until your prey succumbs.