Ze­ros in a half-wit­ted cash-in

The Irish Times - Friday - The Ticket - - FILM REVIEWS - DON­ALD CLARKE

TEENAGE MU­TANT NINJA TUR­TLES Di­rected by Jonathan Liebesman. Star­ring Megan Fox, Alan Ritch­son, Whoopi Gold­berg, Jeremy Howard, Pete Ploszek, Wil­liam Ficht­ner 12A cert, gen­eral re­lease, 101 min

Has ever an idea this thin been stretched into such lengthy Moz­zarella strings? (That’s a pizza ref­er­ence for you there.)

Let’s not mess around. There is noth­ing worth know­ing about the Teenage Mu­tant Ninja Tur­tles that is not con­tained in the four words that form the ti­tle. True, the orig­i­nal comic books were very well car­ried off, but the suc­ceed­ing cartoons, videogames and movies showed the en­ter­tain­ment in­dus­try at its cyn­i­cal pocket-pick­ing worst.

Well, there was lower to sink. Michael Bay’s Teenage Mu­tant Ninja Tur­tles sounds like a con­cept dreamt up on an in­ter­net no­tice board dur­ing the trash­ing of the lat­est su­per­hero id­iocy. “Ha, ha! I’d rather go and c Michael Bay’s TMNT than sit through this again lol!”

You may well “laugh out loud,” sir. Bay has, in­deed, as­cended from the un­der­world to spread this in­fer­nal fer­tiliser about the cin­ema. Jonathan Liebesman, re­cently re­spon­si­ble for Wrath of the Titans, gets the di­rec­tor’s credit, but ev­ery­thing about it reeks of Bay’s brim­stone aes­thet­ics.

Es­sen­tially, this is a Trans­form­ers film with un­a­mus­ing am­phib­ians in the place of gi­ant city-crush­ing robots. Megan Fox turns up as the jour­nal­ist who dis­cov­ers the crea­tures – still fond of a cer­tain pro­pri­etary pizza – liv­ing be­neath the cel­lars and be­comes their con­nec­tion with the outer world. Whoopi Gold­berg is her boss. Most every­body else is gen­er­ated by com­puter.

The trashy fun of the ear­lier in­car­na­tions has been ditched for the ex­haust­ing bland sheen of Bay’s less fam­ily-friendly en­ter­tain­ments. The re­sult is a shock­ingly bor­ing, end­lessly unimag­i­na­tive ad­ver­tise­ment for pizza, soft drinks and the cap­i­tal­ist ideal.

Oh, well. They have done a good job cre­at­ing the freak­ishly pro­nounced fea­tures on those ar­ti­fi­cially gen­er­ated faces. But enough about Fox. Ha ha!

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Ireland

© PressReader. All rights reserved.