Celebri­ties, mu­si­cians, pro­mot­ers, avert your eyes – it’s time for the OTR gongs of the year

The Irish Times - Friday - The Ticket - - COVER STORY - JIM CAR­ROLL

Gong, gong, gong. Ev­ery year at On the Record, just as the fes­tive sea­son goes into high gear, we throw a lit­tle bash to name and re­ward the peo­ple and events who made the head­lines in our world in the past year.

Yes, we know that ev­ery sin­gle pub­li­ca­tion is hand­ing out awards and prizes right about now be­cause it’s what we all do when De­cem­ber beck­ons and there are pages to fill. But th­ese awards are dif­fer­ent. They’re dif­fer­ent be­cause th­ese are the awards most of the re­cip­i­ents don’t want to see on their man­tel­piece. Here, then, are this year’s win­ners of OTR’s Gongs of the Year. Big your­selves up.

The Fer­rero Rocher Am­bas­sador of the Year Award: Car­los Eu­ge­nio Gar­cia de Alba Zepeda, the Mex­i­can am­bas­sador to Ire­land who of­fered to in­ter­vene in the Garth Brooks/ Croke Park fan­dango. When his ex­cel­lency was dis­patched to Dublin, we are sure he did not fore­see get­ting in­volved in Stet­songate.

The MAMIL of the Year Gong: Bono. We didn’t know the U2 singer was a fully paidup mem­ber of the Mid­dle Aged Men in Ly­cra com­mu­nity un­til his un­for­tu­nate tum­ble from his bike in New York’s Cen­tral Park last month. Get well soon Bono and we’ll see you on the N81 out to Bless­ing­ton in 2015.

The Golden Y-Fronts for Ser­vices to the Un­der­wear In­dus­try: Hozier, for his per­for­mance at the Vic­to­ria Se­cret’s fash­ion show in London last month.

The Ground­hog Day Medal for Do­ing the Same Thing and Ex­pect­ing Dif­fer­ent Re­sults: The vinyl re­vival cham­pi­ons. Look, chaps, it’s not go­ing to hap­pen no mat­ter how much spin you de­ploy. The vast majority of mu­sic fans are not go­ing back to those big pieces of plas­tic so hold your whist.

The Live Mu­sic Win­ner of the Year: Kate Bush. She set up shop in a London venue for a few weeks and did things her way. There’s a les­son to be learned from that.

The Jolly Good Fel­lows Smi­ley Badge of 2014: Fu­ture Is­lands. Rarely have a band gone from un­der­ground to over­ground with such a blast of good­will from the masses at

Th­ese are the awards most of the re­cip­i­ents don’t want to see on their man­tel­piece

their back. Sam Her­ring also gets the Michael Flat­ley Be­gor­rah Dance Slip­pers of the Year for those moves.

Pro­mot­ers of the Year: Marie Croft, Ar­lie Croft and Thomas Donoghue, the trio be­hind the Light Colour Sound fes­ti­val in Kilkenny last sum­mer. Many of the bands who played prob­a­bly have a bet­ter chance of a visit from Santa Claus than get­ting paid the fees they’re still due.

The No Show of the Year: Ox­e­gen. The once mighty fes­ti­val that ruled Co Kil­dare dis­ap­peared from the list­ings, de­spite its web­site still claim­ing it was “Europe’s great­est mu­sic fes­ti­val”.

The No Shows of the Year: Garth Brooks. Yet another dream of do­ing five in a row at Croke Park turns to dust.

The All Show of the Year: U2’s spammy Ap­ple ex­per­i­ment. If only they’d spent as much time, ef­fort and ex­per­tise on the writ­ing of the songs for the al­bum as op­posed to the mar­ket­ing.

The Neil Di­a­mond Memo­rial Award for Ser­vices to the Ir­ish Ra­dio Ad­ver­tis­ing In­dus­try: Kanye West, whose Mar­lay Park gig was a bit of a flop tick­ets-wise de­spite ra­dio ads push­ing the show morn­ing, noon and night.

Mu­sic TV Gold Re­mote Con­trol of the Year: A Storm in the Heart, Liam McGrath’s fan­tas­tic doc­u­men­tary on the life of Dolores Keane.

Mu­sic TV Sil­ver Re­mote Con­trol of the Year goes to Bressie’s Teenage Kicks be­cause he’s a dude and the show is re­ally, re­ally good.

The McDon­ald’s Su­per­size Ex­pan­sion of the Year: the Elec­tric Pic­nic for go­ing from 32,500 to 41,000 and mak­ing all those ex­tra pun­ters fit into those Strad­bally acres with ease.

The OTR In­ter­vie­wee of the Year Award: Awarded jointly to Bunny Wailer and David Guetta. Never again.

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