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Jennifer Lawrence as Mys­tique in X-Men Apoca­lypse

X-MEN APOCA­LYPSE Di­rected by Bryan Singer. Star­ring James McAvoy, Michael Fass­ben­der, Jennifer Lawrence, Os­car Isaac, Ni­cholas Hoult, Rose Byrne, Tye Sheri­dan, So­phie Turner, Olivia Munn, Lu­cas Till 12A cert, gel re­lease, 143 min With a nod to the pro­foundly un­fash­ion­able Char­i­ots of the Gods (not to men­tion the re­cent swords and san­dals mega-flop Gods of Egypt), the ninth film from the X-Men se­quence opens in an­cient Egypt, where En Sabah Nur (Os­car Isaacs, crim­i­nally wasted) aka Ra, the Sun God, aka Apoca­lypse aka Fuzzy Bunny (no, not re­ally) has spent cen­turies sy­phon­ing out gnarly sat-upon wife, Ais­lin (An­drea Rise­bor­ough), who washed up on the shores of their re­mote Scot­tish is­land.

That ori­gin story does not come close to ex­plain­ing Ais­lin’s bizarre ac­cent, but there is much that does not add up here. Why would such a fa­natic marry a woman who re­fuses to at­tend his beloved church and who, as a prac­tic­ing herbal­ist, is, to his mind, prac­ti­cally a de­mo­nolo­gist?

As his flock pre­pares to fly away, the in­creas­ingly de­mented Balor draws com­fort from wife bul­ly­ing – his own and some­times other peo­ple’s wives, such as a brow­beaten pow­ers from other mu­tants to be­come a su­per mu­tant. Fisticuffs en­sue and the su­per mu­tant is buried, only to emerge dur­ing the Rea­gan era.

So what, ex­actly, does this fear­some en­tity with mad skills want with four flunkies? Does he need his bins taken out? And what’s worse, one of the quar­tet is Olivia Munn’s mes­meris­ingly use­less Psy­locke. Her su­per pow­ers in­clude: hold­ing her laser rope/sword the right way up, stand­ing with her legs shoul­der-width apart and dress­ing like a strip­per.

She is joined by hand­ier mu­tants, in­clud­ing a re­cently trau­ma­tised, now mad-as-hell Mag­neto (Michael Fass­ben­der), An­gel ( EastEn­ders’ Ben

Cold com­fort crank: Damian Lewis in The Silent Storm

Kate Dickie, who is scolded about duty when she at­tempts to com­plain about her al­co­hol-

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