Our es­sen­tial fes­ti­val kit

Dump that flower crown and get some Dio­r­a­lyte into you

The Irish Times - Friday - The Ticket - - FRONT PAGE - Louise Bru­ton

We hear plenty about fes­ti­val line-ups and fes­ti­val fash­ion but there’s one area that doesn’t get the at­ten­tion that it de­serves: fes­ti­val bow­els.

It doesn’t take long in a por­taloo to re­alise that come day two, ev­ery­one is . . . strug­gling a bit. Be­tween the warm beer, po­tent cock­tails and that ex­tra bur­rito you had for soak­age, your stom­ach is not a happy camper.

Over the course of a three-day fes­ti­val, the key things to avoid are vom­it­ing, con­sti­pa­tion, the runs, sun­burn, pain and de­hy­dra­tion. A voice of rea­son would tell you to eat more greens, drink less booze, have reg­u­lar meals and plenty of sleep, but that voice of rea­son also had a late night, so here’s your quick guide to sav­ing your arse. Lit­er­ally. First-aid fes­ti­val kit ba­sics A packet of parac­eta­mol will take care of low to mild hang­overs, slow headaches or dull the ache from the pulled mus­cle you ac­quired from at­tempt­ing to high-kick in the dance tent.

Baby wipes and hand sani­tiser. It all adds up. Stay safe, stay clean.

Even if it’s cloudy or wet, pack the sun­cream. Sun­burn and sun­stroke is no­body’s friend and if you’re skip­ping on wa­ter for pints, you’ll wish that you lobbed on the fac­tor-50 as you’re dry-retch­ing into a grotty, over­flow­ing por­taloo.

If you’re los­ing liq­uids, or want to pre­vent the nau­sea that acts as a warn­ing for what’s to come, Dio­r­a­lyte will help re­place the elec­trolytes that you lost some­where along the way. The bal­ance be­tween wa­ter and pow­der needs to be pre­cise so if you’re or­gan­ised, you’ll mea­sure out 200ml of wa­ter in a plas­tic bot­tle and mark the line with a Sharpie be­fore you even leave the house. Next-level reme­dies Be­fore you even think of hav­ing pizza for break­fast, your morn­ing rou­tine should in­clude the bright orange, fizzy good­ness of Be­rocca and a can of ice-cold Coke. The heal­ing prop­er­ties of a can of Coke are im­mea­sur­able (shut up, sci- ence).

When you reach a cer­tain age, heart­burn, acid re­flux and gen­eral puk­i­ness are just part and par­cel of a han­gover. Keep a packet of Ren­nie and Motil­lium (the fast-melt kind) on hand at all times. Even if you don’t need them, some­one in your vicin­ity will be in the hor­rors.

With all of that wan­ton pollen fly­ing up your nos­trils, Piri­ton is your pal. Deluxe live-sav­ing sup­plies Sea­soned ses­sion­ers talk about fes­ti­vals the way farm­ers talk about the Big Snow of 1982, but lis­ten to them, for they have weath­ered the storms of Ox­e­gen 2007 and Castlepalooza 2014, where it did not stop rain­ing side­ways for a sin­gle sec­ond.

There comes a point dur­ing the week­end when you are run­ning on empty. Danc­ing all night, fu­elled mostly by rum and adren­a­line, you are gen­er­ally a shell of your for­mer self each morn­ing – gaunt in the face and some­how also swollen like a dead fish washed up on the banks of the Lif­fey.

Your life-saver here is the sero­tonin booster 5-HTP. Avail­able only in health shops in the UK, you’ll have to plan in ad­vance for this one.

With all of the stodgy food you’re con­sum­ing to pre­vent the mother of all hang­overs, you too will be­come a stooge. To avoid this, you have two choices; Fy­bo­gel or Milk of Mag­ne­sia. Ad­just your flower crowns ladies and gents, be­cause it’s time to move your bow­els. Terms and Con­di­tions: Some hu­mil­ity in the phar­macy is re­quired. Do not con­sume ev­ery­thing at once.

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