Mar­ian Keyes

Isadora Pre­cise Roll- On Eye­liner

The Irish Times Magazine - - INSIDE - MAR­IAN KEYES

Ex­tract from Quacks, the med­i­cal jour­nal for Doc­tors Who Don’t Fol­low The Herd. Is­sue 17, pub­lished May 26th, 2018. Old dog learns new trick In news, which has elec­tri­fied the med­i­cal com­mu­nity and given great hope to old dogs ev­ery­where, an old dog has learnt a new trick! The old dog in ques­tion, a hu­man fe­male called Mor­rien Kaze, has ap­par­ently just learnt how to ap­ply mod­ern, new, young- per­son’s eye­liner, de­spite be­ing in ad­vanced mid­dle years.

Ms Kaze claims to be 54, al­though other sources have put her age at closer to 70.

Ms Kaze re­lates her as­ton­ish­ing tale. “For the past 10 years, I’ve used the YSL BabyDoll liq­uid eye­liner. The brush was obe­di­ent, pli­ant and re­li­able. We were so in har­mony that I could have put my eye­liner on in the dark.” Kaze de­nies be­ing stuck in her look, more that she had found her lane and was happy to stay in it.

Then dis­as­ter struck – YSL dis­cov­ered its eye­liner was the linch­pin around which Kaze con­structed her face. They re­sponded, as all cos­metic com­pa­nies do in such cir­cum­stances, by promptly with­draw­ing it from the mar­ket. ( Ru­mours – un­con­firmed ad­mit­tedly – are rife that sev­eral of its se­nior sales staff were re­lieved of their du­ties for tak­ing so long to no­tice that this prod­uct was vi­tal to Kaze’s kit.)

YSL re­leased a new, im­proved liq­uid eye­liner but as is the norm, the new im­proved ver­sion was not as good. Kaze’s par­tic­u­lar beef is with the brush, which she de­scribes as be­ing as stiff as a twig. Cast­ing about for an eye­liner to fill the gap, she was in­tro­duced to the Isadora Pre­cise Roll- On Eye­liner but was daunted to dis­cover the brush wasn’t even a brush but a wheel.

She de­scribes it as a very mini- ver­sion of those wheely things that cut piz­zas. ( Only not sharp.) “You roll it along your lash- line like you’re push­ing a teeny- tiny wheel­bar­row.”

Nat­u­rally she had The Fear. She’d come out of a long re­la­tion­ship with a brush and was in a strange new world of Wheely Eye­lin­ers. But needs must. So she tried and dis­cov­ered it was far eas­ier than she’d ex­pected. In some­thing she calls “jig- time”, she’d got the hang of it. In ad­di­tion, she found the eye­liner to be highly pig­mented, long- last­ing, wa­ter­proof and very af­ford­able.

En­cour­aged by her adap­tive skills and ev­i­dent brain plas­tic­ity, Kaze has great plans for her fu­ture, in­clud­ing, “Try­ing again with SnapChat”.

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