Like fa­ther, like spouse

Jamaica Gleaner - - FLAIR - Kim­berly Goodall Life­style Writer

YOU HAVE likely heard the the­ory be­fore that women end up mar­ry­ing men who are like their fa­thers. But is it true? A fa­ther is the first man a girl gets to know on in­ti­mate terms, and there is no doubt that though women may love their fa­thers dearly, they are more likely to look for a man who rep­re­sents the best qual­i­ties of their fa­ther, and avoid men who have the un­de­sir­able qual­i­ties their dad might have had.

Kem­isha Grant* shared with Flair that she never imag­ined dat­ing some­one like her fa­ther, but to her sur­prise, the man she now loves and want to spend the rest of her life with has more in com­mon with her fa­ther than she would like.

“I never thought I would end up with some­one like my fa­ther. I mean, I love him but his type would not be my cup of tea as far as I’m con­cerned. But as I got older, I had a new ap­pre­ci­a­tion for the ‘drive­and-hus­tle’ men­tal­ity. Luck­ily for me, those nice at­tributes are ev­i­dent in my boyfriend. It got a lit­tle crazy when I re­alised they are both worka­holics. There are other char­ac­ter­is­tics that I didn’t see match­ing, un­til I be­gan liv­ing with him, like the fact that they both en­joy their own com­pany, which is great in spurts. The ad­ven­turer in me likes to ex­plore the great out­doors as well as en­joy the nightlife every now and then. He would pre­fer stay­ing home, like my fa­ther,” Grant said.

BAD COM­BI­NA­TION

She con­tin­ued, “They both don’t have many friends, hence stay­ing to them­selves. And as far as con­flict res­o­lu­tion goes, bring on the lec­tures, from both par­ties. I had to put up with it as a daugh­ter out of re­spect, but then jump out of fry­ing pan and jump into fire with a boyfriend who thinks he is al­ways right? Bad com­bi­na­tion.”

There are, how­ever, fea­tures that they do not share, which bal­ance things off: “My boyfriend, to me, is more per­sis­tent than my fa­ther, but he knows when to pull back in or­der to avoid se­ri­ous con­fronta­tion: my fa­ther fu­els his own fire. My boyfriend is more open to change than my fa­ther, who sticks to the evil he knows un­til the very end. He is also more un­der­stand­ing and for­giv­ing; my fa­ther can hold a grudge for a life­time. My boyfriend has a hard time mak­ing it through the night with­out com­ing to an agree­ment.”

Ac­cord­ing to re­la­tion­ship psy­chol­o­gist Dr Sid­ney McGill, “Fa­thers have a pro­found im­pact on the for­ma­tion of women’s per­son­al­i­ties. He in­flu­ences their out­look on life and even the choice they make in se­lect­ing their life­long part­ner.

“If your re­la­tion­ship with your fa­ther was gen­er­ally good, then you’ll con­sciously or un­con­sciously seek out a mate with a tidy sum of your fa­ther’s traits. It could be his sin­cer­ity, his great sense of hu­mour, or his gen­eros­ity.

“But if your re­la­tion­ship with your fa­ther was sig­nif­i­cantly bad, then you’ll un­con­sciously seek out some of your fa­ther’s bad traits in your po­ten­tial part­ner that you may be con­sciously try­ing to avoid.”

He points out that it is im­por­tant that you get to know a per­son you are dat­ing be­fore mov­ing into some­thing se­ri­ous.

“You have to be vig­i­lant in en­sur­ing that you do not be­come emo­tion­ally en­tan­gled with a man that is an­other ver­sion of your fa­ther. Get your mother or a close fam­ily friend to weigh in on your choice. An­swer the ques­tion: what are the spe­cific things about him that draw me to him? Which sig­nif­i­cant per­son in my life dis­plays some of these same traits?” McGill ad­vises.

READER FEED­BACK

Well, a few of our read­ers de­cided to share how they feel about dat­ing men with at­tributes like their fa­thers.

I was a ‘daddy’s girl’ grow­ing up, and though I love my fa­ther, our re­la­tion­ship died as I got older. I would want to see my fa­ther’s pro­tec­tive at­tributes in my sig­nif­i­cant other but would pre­fer that my guy to have his own bad and good at­tributes. I had to grow up be­ing con­fined to my fa­ther’s per­son­al­ity, and it would kill me if I had to live with his type of per­son­al­ity for the rest of my life. – T.W- 25

Funny enough, I would date and marry some­one like my fa­ther. He is hard-work­ing and de­ter­mined and he is funny but se­ri­ous when he needs to be. There are things that I would want dif­fer­ently in my part­ner but would love if he was like my fa­ther. – D.T- 28

While I love my fa­ther, I make it my point of duty to not date some­one like him. He is a man that loves his chil­dren but his ‘don’t care’ at­ti­tude is one that might have had me on an episode of ‘snapped’. To con­stantly be telling the per­son to do the same thing over and over again would drive me crazy. Then com­pas­sion and un­der­stand­ing of one’s part­ner is vi­tal. He is obliv­i­ous. I am your part­ner, not your babysit­ter and maid. I will not be pick­ing up af­ter you and telling you how to make steps. No, no, no. Just no. – V.H- 30

My dad is the first man I ever loved and who I know loves me un­con­di­tion­ally, so I think I sub­con­sciously chose the same type of man to love. I don’t think I chose it, it chose me be­cause I as­so­ci­ate my fa­ther with a good feel­ing. – S.F- 34

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Jamaica

© PressReader. All rights reserved.