Al Miller a man of the cloth – but which cloth?

Jamaica Gleaner - - OPINION & COMMENTARY - Michael Abra­hams Michael Abra­hams is a gy­nae­col­o­gist and ob­ste­tri­cian, co­me­dian and poet. Email feed­back to col­umns@glean­erjm.com and mich­abe_1999@hot­mail.com, or tweet @mikeyabra­hams.

ITRY to live my life with an at­ti­tude of grat­i­tude, and to­day, I would like to give thanks for the Rev­erend Mer­rick ‘Al’ Miller. This man has en­riched my life by pro­vid­ing me with hours of en­ter­tain­ment and tons of ma­te­rial.

I re­call him tak­ing credit for us be­ing spared the full brunt of Hur­ri­cane Ivan’s wrath in 2004, claim­ing that his prayers made a dif­fer­ence, and im­ply­ing that God, who is ap­par­ently his BFF, was in­flu­enced to have mercy on us, and con­fided this to him, prob­a­bly while they were play­ing domi­noes.

The eye of Ivan passed near Ja­maica, caus­ing US$360 mil­lion worth of dam­age, and the hur­ri­cane went on to dec­i­mate the Cay­man Is­lands, rack­ing up losses amount­ing to US$2.86 bil­lion. From what I re­call in Chris­tian­ity 101, the Bi­ble tells us to love our neigh­bours as our­selves. Cay­man is our neigh­bour, but got a bitch lick. Did the goodly pas­tor not pray for that na­tion, too, or did he self­ishly pray only

for his coun­try? Maybe while pray­ing, his ‘prayer credit’ ran out be­fore he could get to our neigh­bour.

Miller claims to be a man of faith, so I was flab­ber­gasted when I heard that he was charged and con­victed for neg­li­gence re­gard­ing the theft of his firearm from his ve­hi­cle while he was pick­ing plums. If faith can move moun­tains and change the paths of bel­liger­ent weather sys­tems, de­vi­at­ing the wrist of a gun­wield­ing would-be as­sas­sin should be a piece of cake.

If God is re­ally your ‘bre­dren’, He would read­ily slap weh di hand of any dutty bwoy who would try to shoot, stab, slash, slap or stran­gle you. So, if you feel the need to pro­tect your­self with a gun, your faith is not even the size of a mus­tard seed mol­e­cule. WTF (what the firearm) do you need a gun for?

More re­cently, Miller was found guilty of at­tempt­ing to pervert the course of jus­tice, af­ter Ja­maica’s then most wanted man, fugi­tive Christo­pher ‘Dudus’ Coke, was found in his com­pany trav­el­ling along the Man­dela High­way. Miller claimed that he was trans­port­ing Coke to the United States Em­bassy so he could sur­ren­der to au­thor­i­ties there, but the judge didn’t buy his story, and he bagged an­other con­vic­tion. In a let­ter pub­lished in 2004, Miller claimed, “The spir­i­tual is my area of ex­per­tise, backed by the­ory, prac­tice and ev­i­dence to sup­port with proven track record.”

NOT WIG, HEAD­GEAR

Well, now his track record in­cludes two crim­i­nal con­vic­tions and ques­tions re­gard­ing his hon­esty. For ex­am­ple, fol­low­ing his ar­rest in 2010, while be­ing in­ter­viewed by two de­tec­tive in­spec­tors, Miller was asked, “Was Coke at any time dur­ing the trip from St Ann to Kingston wear­ing a wig?” Miller re­sponded, “I did not no­tice a wig, but head­gear.”

Hav­ing seen the now in­fa­mous pho­to­graph, my re­sponse on hear­ing that was ‘DWRCL’ (dead with rau­cous, ca­cophonous laugh­ter). That is like walk­ing be­hind Yanique Bar­rett and say­ing that all you no­ticed was that her belt matched her heels, to­tally not see­ing the ‘Clash of the Ti­tans’ tak­ing place be­tween those points.

So, Miller re­ceived a non­cus­to­dial sen­tence, ac­cepted it, and said that he would not ap­peal. He then sched­uled a press con­fer­ence that was short on con­fer­enc­ing and big on not an­swer­ing cer­tain ques­tions posed by jour­nal­ists.

HUGE EGO

What I found in­ter­est­ing was that he broke the law, and in­stead of be­ing re­morse­ful and ask­ing for for­give­ness, an­nounced that he was for­giv­ing those who let him down. The man’s ego is so huge, I swear it has its own area code.

Next thing I know, he has changed his mind and has de­cided to ap­peal his con­vic­tion, in­flu­enced by, among other things, “prayer­ful re­flec­tion”. Did he not prayer­fully re­flect be­fore an­nounc­ing that he would not ap­peal? Maybe God in­formed him of some new re­search find­ings since then.

I hon­estly do not un­der­stand how any­one can take this man se­ri­ously, and worse, give him money. Then again, you re­ally should pay for qual­ity en­ter­tain­ment. Al Miller por­trays him­self as be­ing godly, but the only sim­i­lar­ity be­tween him and God that I see is that they are both ‘Most High’ – God, in Heaven, and Al, caught tak­ing Coke.

Al Miller is a very tal­ented fel­low, but I think he should now change his ca­reer path and be­come a dance­hall DJ. In or­der to be a suc­cess­ful DJ, you have to have street cred and be a thug, and Al ful­fils sev­eral of the req­ui­site cri­te­ria: ‘par­ring’ with bad man, hav­ing a crim­i­nal record, pack­ing a gun and ‘bun­ning’ gay peo­ple. I can just see him at Sting ‘bussing’ a tune about his tri­als and tribu­la­tions:

“Yu nuh see how me bad, yu nuh see how me big

A me a di one drive Dudus inna wig

Call di em­bassy pon a Black­Berry

But Baby­lon pull me ova at Ferry

Now some­body come tek weh mi gun

While me a try fi go pick some plum But inna hell fire him a go bun Fa yu dun know me a God favourite son Hal­lelu­jah! Praise Gawwwd!”

PA­TRICK PLANTER/PHO­TOG­RA­PHER

The Rev Al Miller

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