I forgive you, Stranger Rapist
A Jamaican woman who was raped at age 11 writes a cathartic letter to the stranger who took her innocence. “You threw me on the ground and ripped off my uniform ... . You held a knife to my throat ... . I don’t even know how to love. You took that away from me when you raped me.”
This is a column written by a woman who was raped at a school. It is directed at the man who assaulted her nine years ago. She was 11 at the time. Her name has been withheld to protect her identity. Dear Stranger Rapist,
DO YOU remember me? Because I sure do remember you. For the past nine years, I have been plagued by the memory of you. I have held so much blame and guilt for the evening I couldn’t comprehend.
On Friday, September 28, 2007 (yes, I remember the date), you raped me, saw me coming home from school (oh, how you must have planned this for days). I was just a defenceless little girl, who you should have protected, but instead, you dragged me into the nearby bushes, where not a soul was likely to dwell.
With no possible way to escape, I wondered if I deserved it. You threw me on the ground and ripped off my uniform – yes, my uniform. You held a knife to my throat and I can still hear your voice echoing in my head to this day, “Gyal, if yuh mek a sound mi buss yuh throat!” Was it truly my fate? I tried to fly, but my wings you had broken, my mind filled with confusion and yours filled with evil and wicked lust. I can still smell your stinking ganja breath!
Even though tears ran down my cheek, it’s like you didn’t care. It never mattered to you, you just wanted to have your way and your way you had, with the little girl I was.
Does it plague you? Do you feel guilty? Do you even have a conscience? Do you have a daughter? What would you do if that should happen to her? Was I your only victim? Mmm, was I?
You paedophile! You rapist! You are nothing but a coward! That’s what you are!
I have hated you for all these years, and if I knew who you are, I would strangle you with my own two hands because prison would be too good for you!
‘I HATED ME’
You ripped my heart out and made me into a cold, dark person. I hated me.
Not only did you assault me, but you violated my soul. My psyche is scarred by your evil onslaught.
My pleasure is pain — yes, I enjoyed being hurt. I cut, and watch the blood run as tears flow from my eyes. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I have no love in my heart. I don’t even know how to love. You took that away from me when you raped me.
It’s as if you took everything away from me that evening, and I hate you for it. I HATE you! I HATE you! I HATE you! You hurt me extremely deep.
I have pushed away so many people who have had nothing but love for me, but I couldn’t love them back. Because you raped me, I have imprisoned the real me and cast myself into mental isolation – away from people.
A silent anger has been my diet, refusing to talk and being abused and violated many times over. For nine years, I have relived that nasty experience, being angry, shrouded by bouts of depression and anxiety — BECAUSE YOU RAPED ME!
This moment, today, NOW, you rape me no more!
It is said, “He who angers you controls you.” I will NOT. I repeat, I will NOT allow you to control me ANYMORE.
I FORGIVE you, I FORGIVE YOU, I FORGIVE YOU, Mr Stranger Rapist. Wherever you are, dead or alive, I forgive you.
And one more thing before I go. I think you should also know that I have forgiven me. For the way I think (negatively), for accepting pain as pleasure and hurting myself, for being guilty and ashamed of something that I DID NOT DO. Yours truly, The girl who has LET GO!