Jamaica Gleaner - - WELL - dear­doc@glean­erjm.com

QGood day, Doc. I am very sur­prised by the fact that my wife wants me to agree to do­ing what they call a ‘wife swap’ with our best friends.

I am not so sure about this pro­posed ar­range­ment. The other woman is very pretty, but I am not ab­so­lutely cer­tain that I want to go to bed with her! And her hus­band is a very nice guy, who has been very kind to us. He is quite well-off, and a few years back he helped us with a loan. But I am un­com­fort­able with the idea of him hav­ing sex with my wife.

I should men­tion that we do not have any chil­dren. Both my wife and I are in our early 30s.

What do you think, Doc?

AI have sev­eral times in this col­umn warned about the dan­gers of wifeswap­ping. I have known a num­ber of pa­tients who have tried this and most of them ended in di­vorce!

I am sure that some of them went in for part­ner-swap­ping be­cause their mar­riages were al­ready on the skids.

So the first thing I must ask you is this: Is your mar­riage al­ready in trou­ble? If so, then maybe that is why your spouse has asked you to go in for swap­ping.

I must add that it is pretty un­usual for a wife to sug­gest swap­ping part­ners! It is al­most al­ways the hus­band who ini­ti­ates this type of ac­tiv­ity.

So I won­der why your wife has sug­gested it? I won­der if, per­haps, she is al­ready very at­tracted to the other woman’s hus­band. I do re­call a case in which a wife sug­gested swap­ping be­cause she was al­ready cheat­ing with the other man!

From my ex­pe­ri­ence of these ar­range­ments go­ing very wrong, I urge you not to agree to swap­ping spouses. You say that you are not sure that you re­ally want to sleep with the other woman. So for you, the ad­van­tages of wife-swap­ping would seem to be rather small, espe­cially as you feel un­easy about the idea of your wife hav­ing sex with some­one else!

In short, I would say don’t do this. In­stead, you should talk things over with your wife and try to find out why she has de­vel­oped this urge for swap­ping.

Also, it might be help­ful if you could per­suade her to go with you to a lo­cal min­is­ter of re­li­gion (or some other ex­pert) to dis­cuss the ques­tion of the mean­ing of mat­ri­mony and the im­por­tance of faith­ful­ness. I wish you both well.


My mother told me that when she was a girl, she used to use some­thing called sper­mi­ci­dal pes­saries for con­tra­cep­tion. Ap­par­ently, she used to put them in the vagina just be­fore sex and let them dis­solve. They worked very well for her. Could I try this method, Doc?

AWell, sper­mi­ci­dal (that is, sperm-killing) pes­saries are lit­tle tablets which are de­signed to melt in the warmth of the vagina. They used to be very pop­u­lar in Ja­maica, but be­cause of the warm cli­mate, they melted in peo­ple’s cup­boards or bed­side ta­bles.

The solution to that prob­lem was to keep them in the fridge. But I re­mem­ber an oc­ca­sion when a cook mis­tak­enly used half a dozen of them as cake dec­o­ra­tions!

You can still buy them via the In­ter­net, but please bear in mind that most doc­tors do not re­gard them as a to­tally safe form of con­tra­cep­tive when used on their own. Most medics think that they should only be em­ployed as an ad­di­tional safety mea­sure when you are us­ing other con­tra­cep­tive meth­ods.

QWhen I was work­ing in Corn­wall last year, I had sex with an at­trac­tive house­wife who I met there. Now she has texted me to say that she has had a baby boy, and that she thinks I am the fa­ther!

Can I in­sist on a DNA test, Doc?

AWell, legally, no one can in­sist on a DNA test on an adult or a child. How­ever, you would be to­tally within your rights to say that you don’t feel you can pro­vide fi­nan­cial sup­port un­less you have proof that you re­ally are the child’s fa­ther.

If this woman is a fair and rea­son­able per­son, I guess she would see the sense in that. But my feel­ing is that at this point, it might be a good idea for you to con­sult a lawyer.

QDoc, I am a 29-year-old fe­male, and I will be get­ting mar­ried soon af­ter Christ­mas. My prob­lem is that my fi­ancé thinks that I am a vir­gin!

Un­for­tu­nately, the truth is that I must have slept with maybe a dozen men since I lost my vir­gin­ity at the age of 17.

Should I tell him, or would that be too alarm­ing for him?

AWell, I feel that your fi­ancé must be a tri­fle innocent if he thinks that these days a 29-year-old woman is a vir­gin. How­ever, I must ad­mit that it is true that some women do suc­cess­fully re­main vir­gins through­out their 20s and be­yond.

Per­son­ally, I am a great believer in the idea that when cou­ples get mar­ried, they should have no se­crets among them. How­ever, I sense that you are afraid that your man might call the whole thing off if you tell him that you are not a vir­gin.

My best ad­vice is that you should sit down and calmly dis­cuss the sub­ject of sex with him. Does he re­ally be­lieve that very few peo­ple go in for pre­mar­i­tal sex these days? You could gently point out that if men are en­ti­tled to lose their vir­gin­ity, then so should women.

You might re­mind him of the old phrase ‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gan­der.’

QDoc­tor, I have been hav­ing reg­u­lar sex for some years with a lovely woman in St Andrew. But re­cently, I have no­ticed that when I en­ter her, there is some­thing inside.

Please, what could it be?

AIt is likely a con­tra­cep­tive de­vice. It could be a coil (an IUD). It could also be a Mirena (an IUS). And it could be a cap or di­aphragm. Also, it could per­haps be a vagi­nal ring.

Per­son­ally, I ap­plaud her for tak­ing this pre­cau­tion. I sug­gest that you ask her frankly what it is.

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