Haemorrhoid on Butch
HOLDING FOUR of a kind including the double, your first instinct should be to avoid pushing that card until it’s introduced by another player.
This protects the double. So, the correct answer to last week’s quiz is six-five, hoping someone will play five-four. Cutting partner’s compulsory pose is no biggie. Congratulations to Mark Brooks of St Elizabeth, who was first with the correct answer. He wins a much coveted Nothing Prize.
Segue to a story told by Haemorrhoid interrupting a massive whipping Autry and I were taking from Little D and his father. Remember Haemorrhoid (Ernest H. Flower) – articled clerk whose talents were avoiding work and telling shaggy dog tales? His lament about “piles and piles” of files on his desk, plus his middle initial, produced his nickname.
Haemorrhoid told the story of Butch, the intelligent rooster:
“Sandra was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and 10 roosters, but kept records. Any non-performing rooster was executed, turned into Sunday dinner, and swiftly replaced.
“This was time-consuming and tiring, so Sandra retained an efficiency consultant who advised on a more economical method. Acting on the consultant’s advice, Sandra bought tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was ‘performing’.
“With the new system in place, Sandra just sat on the porch and filled out her efficiency reports by listening to the bells.
“Sandra’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but, one day, she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming would run away.
“To Sandra’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sandra was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show. He became an overnight sensation among the judges. Old Butch was not only awarded the ‘No Bell Piece Prize’ but the ‘Pulletsurprise’ as well.”
I couldn’t help remembering Haemorrhoid’s story when I read Sandrea ‘Sandinherbrain’ Falconer’s inane critique of Young Andrew’s fashion choice during Government’s excellent prep work for Hurricane Matthew’s eventual non-arrival. Clearly unable to find any substantive fault in his performance and incapable of shutting up, she complained about Andrew’s green cap. “Madness, madness; they call it madness. Madness, madness; they call it madness.” As spokesperson for a former government expert at Old Butch’s strategy, namely, silently sneaking up on an unsuspecting electorate and screwing them when they least expected it, you’d think Sandinherbrain might know better. But, no, exposure of her incurable tribalism seemed the objective.
Cecil Bustamante Campbell (Prince Buster) was no joker or peacemaker and didn’t, contrary to Booklist Boyne’s assertion, do anything in a “light-hearted” manner. He grew up tough; was a pugilist; and a take-no-prisoners type of entertainer. Madness was his retort to mainstream Jamaica who felt he was ‘touched’.
His musical ‘war’ with Derrick Morgan was deadly serious. It began when Morgan abandoned Buster’s ‘studio’ for Leslie Kong’s Beverley’s Records, allegedly ‘borrowing’ a special horn passage Buster had ‘put down’ to use later. When Buster heard the passage in Forward March, he went ballistic, insulting Morgan with Blackhead Chiney Man (1963), to which Morgan replied with Blazing Fire (1963). Derrick closed that tune with what was meant to be a ‘las’ lick’ lyric, “Be still, bwoy, I’m your superior ...”, reprising a 1962 tune (Be Still) recorded for Buster.
Incensed, Buster retaliated with Praise Without Raise (1968), which included what was, in the context of 1960s Jamaica, a devastating insult, “I’ve said it, you’re a blackhead Chiney men, not man”, to which an enraged Morgan replied No Raise No Praise (1969), in which he revealed that when he was with Buster, “I neither get praise much less raise.” Undaunted, Buster hit back with 30 Pieces Of Silver, alleging he bought every piece of clothing Morgan wore and dubbing Morgan ‘Judas Charmer’. The feud ended before Morgan could carry out his threat of a nuclear option.
Local music history buffs have one source of knowledge left to tap, and it’s not in The Gleaner. With the departure of music encyclopaedia Winston Sparks (‘King Stitt’), only Vaughn ‘Bunny’ Goodison (‘The Mighty Burner’) can deliver authentic lessons, including on the BusterMorgan feud. Don’t ask anybody else. Not even me!
Peace and love.
Gloria Muir, a 66-year-old resident of Penlyne Castle, rural St Andrew, slowly makes her way to the polling station at the Penlyne Castle Primary School despite her limited mobility.