My wife won’t have sex with me

The Star (Kenya) - - Sasa You - BY SALLY BRAMP­TON Dai­ly­mail


y wife will not get in­ti­mate with me. She says any phys­i­cal re­la­tion­ship be­tween us is over, though she’s per­fectly happy with our life to­gether. Our chil­dren have left home, she has a large group of friends and is very ac­tive within the lo­cal com­mu­nity. This has been go­ing on for three years. I’ve tried to be pa­tient, hop­ing she’ll change her mind, but ev­ery time I ap­proach her she says we agreed that side of things was over.

I’m des­per­ately un­happy and the thought of a fu­ture with­out sex is un­bear­able — but I don’t want to have an af­fair. That seems tawdry and dis­hon­est and I still feel a re­spon­si­bil­ity to­wards her.

She also has a re­spon­si­bil­ity to­wards you, and the de­ci­sion seems to be en­tirely one-sided. You didn’t agree; you were is­sued with an ul­ti­ma­tum.

It’s all very well to ac­cept that a mar­riage of long stand­ing no longer holds the same sex­ual pas­sion it once did. It’s fine if mak­ing love hap­pens less fre­quently and is re­placed by sweet com­pan­ion­ship, but there is noth­ing sweet about her at­ti­tude, nor is there any com­pan­ion­ship.

You sound like a kind and de­cent man, and I can only won­der if, over the years, she has be­come so ac­cus­tomed to your de­cency that she has sunk into com­pla­cency. Your mar­riage is fine, she is happy with her life, with you, so what does sex mat­ter? It’s not the be-all and end-all.

Well, it does mat­ter. And so does your hap­pi­ness, which, be­cause she’s so happy and busy, seems to be a mat­ter of ut­ter in­dif­fer­ence — if she’s even no­ticed. Des­per­ate mis­ery is not to be taken lightly, nor is self­ish­ness, and I’m sorry to say that — at least within this as­pect of your mar­riage — her at­ti­tude is not OK.

If you find your sit­u­a­tion un­en­durable, then per­haps it’s time to con­sider your own hap­pi­ness and to stop wor­ry­ing about re­spon­si­bil­ity. Any re­la­tion­ship is about in­ti­macy — whether it’s sex­ual or not — and yours seems to be lack­ing in ev­ery as­pect, in­clud­ing dis­cus­sion.

Af­fairs are tawdry, but I also be­lieve that stay­ing in an un­happy mar­riage is de­struc­tive. If we are not loved and de­sired, it can be very lonely.

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