LET’S PLAY THE NAME GAME

CLEO (Malaysia) - - HOT READS! -

KIM KAR­DASHIAN & KANYE WEST

We can’t seem to de­cide if this is a re­sult of a healthy sense of hu­mour or just sheer cru­elty. When the ru­mour mill spat out North West as one of their op­tions months be­fore she was born, we dis­missed it as a joke. We were painfully wrong.

NICHOLAS CAGE

Ev­ery­one from Earth to Kryp­ton knows about the ac­tor’s ob­ses­sion with Su­per­man. Mr. Cage took it one step fur­ther by giv­ing his son the Man of Steel’s out-ofthis-world moniker.

BEY­ONCÉ & JAY-Z

We still haven’t found out why her par­ents chose a colour as her first name but we know for cer­tain Ivy was cho­sen be­cause of the way it mir­rors the ro­man nu­meral four, IV, which hap­pens to be Bey­oncé and Jay-Z’s favourite num­ber. With mummy and daddy be­ing two of the most pow­er­ful celebri­ties in the world, we’re sure she’ll carry it off ef­fort­lessly.

JA­SON LEE

His fa­ther – an ac­tor, co­me­dian and pro­fes­sional skate­boarder – was in­spired by the song “He’s Sim­ple, He’s Dumb, He’s The Pilot” by in­die rock band Gran­daddy. If he ever wants to change his name to adopt a nick­name, we have a list that in­cludes “Pi”, “Stan”, “Spek” or just plain “Joe” if he’s look­ing for a good slice of nor­mal.

Your name can ei­ther make or break you on the bru­tal bat­tle­fields of your child­hood. What th­ese celebri­ties were think­ing when nam­ing their off­spring, we’ll never know. By Eliza Thomas

BUSY PHILIPS JER­MAINE JACK­SON

Sure, Jer­maine Jack­son is pop roy­alty, be­ing one-fifth of the Jack­son 5 and all. But was this re­ally nec­es­sary? We’re at a to­tal loss here. The only rea­son we can find be­hind Busy’s cre­ativ­ity is that she loves na­ture. Like, re­ally loves na­ture. What if she had fu­ture ba­bies? Rab­bit, But­ter­fly, and the list goes on.

SHAN­NON SOS­SA­MON

Shan­non wanted a word in­stead of a name so she read the dic­tionary and picked “Science”. They added “Au­dio” to the front be­cause they didn’t want “Science” to be short­ened to Sci – as in Si­mon. Doesn’t seem too bad when you think about all the other words they could’ve used.

ROB MOR­ROW

Pun is said to be low­est form of hu­mour. Pun names are the worst kind of hu­mour. Rob deserves more than just a slap on the wrist for this one.

AN­TO­NIO SA­BATO JR.

Say this name three times, real fast. Yeah, we tanked it too. This Hawai­ian tongue twister of a name means “a beloved gift from the heav­ens”. Won’t be so much of a gift when he has to fill up forms when he’s older.

JAMIE OLIVER

Any sweeter and we’d need in­sulin shots. Jamie Oliver’s chil­dren have names that read like an Enid Bly­ton sto­ry­book on a sugar rush. It would be irony at its best if they grow up to be any­thing but sweet.

PENN JIL­LETTE

This co­me­dian took this joke a lit­tle too far. Penn’s ex­pla­na­tion was that he and his wife fig­ured that since no­body re­ally uses their mid­dle name, they’d have some fun with it. That’s dandy and all but it still doesn’t ex­plain how “Moxie” came about.

MARIAH CAREY & NICK CAN­NON

Mon­roe was chris­tened so be­cause her mother is a fan of Mar­i­lyn Mon­roe. Mariah could have gone with just “Mar­i­lyn” but we guess reg­u­lar wasn’t her thing. Mon­roe’s twin, Moroc­can, was named in ref­er­ence to his mother’s Moroc­can-themed bed­room in her Man­hat­tan apart­ment. That’s right! Bed­room. We didn’t want to dig any fur­ther.

FRANK ZAPPA

Frank was a ma­jor rock star in the 70s with a crazy sense of hu­mour and ev­i­dently, crazy is as crazy does. He stuck his chil­dren with goofy names prob­a­bly just so he’d get a good chuckle ev­ery time he called out to them.

ASH­LEE SIMPSON

Bronx is a pretty awe­some name when you think of it. Ac­tu­ally it’s bet­ter than awe­some. It’s down­right stel­lar! But no mat­ter how stel­lar it is and re­gard­less of how big of a Dis­ney fan you are, there is no ex­cuse for nam­ing your son Mowgli. Why, Ash­lee? Why?

M.I.A.

It’s pro­nounced like “Wicked” but with­out the W. What else can you ex­pect from a mummy who was jumping about the Grammy stage with Jay-Z, Kanye West, Lil’ Wayne, and T.I. on the day she was due? If that’s not wicked, we don’t know what is!

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