LET’S PLAY THE NAME GAME
KIM KARDASHIAN & KANYE WEST
We can’t seem to decide if this is a result of a healthy sense of humour or just sheer cruelty. When the rumour mill spat out North West as one of their options months before she was born, we dismissed it as a joke. We were painfully wrong.
Everyone from Earth to Krypton knows about the actor’s obsession with Superman. Mr. Cage took it one step further by giving his son the Man of Steel’s out-ofthis-world moniker.
BEYONCÉ & JAY-Z
We still haven’t found out why her parents chose a colour as her first name but we know for certain Ivy was chosen because of the way it mirrors the roman numeral four, IV, which happens to be Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s favourite number. With mummy and daddy being two of the most powerful celebrities in the world, we’re sure she’ll carry it off effortlessly.
His father – an actor, comedian and professional skateboarder – was inspired by the song “He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s The Pilot” by indie rock band Grandaddy. If he ever wants to change his name to adopt a nickname, we have a list that includes “Pi”, “Stan”, “Spek” or just plain “Joe” if he’s looking for a good slice of normal.
Your name can either make or break you on the brutal battlefields of your childhood. What these celebrities were thinking when naming their offspring, we’ll never know. By Eliza Thomas
BUSY PHILIPS JERMAINE JACKSON
Sure, Jermaine Jackson is pop royalty, being one-fifth of the Jackson 5 and all. But was this really necessary? We’re at a total loss here. The only reason we can find behind Busy’s creativity is that she loves nature. Like, really loves nature. What if she had future babies? Rabbit, Butterfly, and the list goes on.
Shannon wanted a word instead of a name so she read the dictionary and picked “Science”. They added “Audio” to the front because they didn’t want “Science” to be shortened to Sci – as in Simon. Doesn’t seem too bad when you think about all the other words they could’ve used.
Pun is said to be lowest form of humour. Pun names are the worst kind of humour. Rob deserves more than just a slap on the wrist for this one.
ANTONIO SABATO JR.
Say this name three times, real fast. Yeah, we tanked it too. This Hawaiian tongue twister of a name means “a beloved gift from the heavens”. Won’t be so much of a gift when he has to fill up forms when he’s older.
Any sweeter and we’d need insulin shots. Jamie Oliver’s children have names that read like an Enid Blyton storybook on a sugar rush. It would be irony at its best if they grow up to be anything but sweet.
This comedian took this joke a little too far. Penn’s explanation was that he and his wife figured that since nobody really uses their middle name, they’d have some fun with it. That’s dandy and all but it still doesn’t explain how “Moxie” came about.
MARIAH CAREY & NICK CANNON
Monroe was christened so because her mother is a fan of Marilyn Monroe. Mariah could have gone with just “Marilyn” but we guess regular wasn’t her thing. Monroe’s twin, Moroccan, was named in reference to his mother’s Moroccan-themed bedroom in her Manhattan apartment. That’s right! Bedroom. We didn’t want to dig any further.
Frank was a major rock star in the 70s with a crazy sense of humour and evidently, crazy is as crazy does. He stuck his children with goofy names probably just so he’d get a good chuckle every time he called out to them.
Bronx is a pretty awesome name when you think of it. Actually it’s better than awesome. It’s downright stellar! But no matter how stellar it is and regardless of how big of a Disney fan you are, there is no excuse for naming your son Mowgli. Why, Ashlee? Why?
It’s pronounced like “Wicked” but without the W. What else can you expect from a mummy who was jumping about the Grammy stage with Jay-Z, Kanye West, Lil’ Wayne, and T.I. on the day she was due? If that’s not wicked, we don’t know what is!